Is it that time of year again? The time when we get “The Top Ten Villains of All Time!”? Not quite. It seems to me that every year in some magazine or on some show, we get the typical list of baddies from the 60’s, 70’s and so on. Usually they mention the cool regulars like Vader, the Emperor, or one of the guys who tries to off James Bond. And that’s cool, I love those lists and I read them. The nuances varying only slightly, as the leaves change colors and the snow begins to fall, then we realize another year has been stolen from our lives. So what if some of the lame, not so cool, or dare I say, shitty bad guys got their moment, however brief or insignificant? It might look like this.
10. The Fratellis- Jake, Francis and Mama Fratelli hot on the size 5’s of the Goonies. They weren’t just killers, they tried to torture Chunk! Putting the hand of a child in a blender to get him to talk is classic, while at the same time keeping their retarded freak of a brother chained up in the basement and trying to kill each other over pepperoni pizza. Badass.
9. Bavmorda- The evil witch hunting down Willow to kill the, you guessed it, baby. Sending out armies to crush villages and find a dwarf. The witch battle she has against Fin Razel and trying to kill her own daughter gives her major street cred.
8. Bill- From Kill Bill. A pretty down to earth and chill assassin, but when he has his hit squad massacre Uma’s wedding party, it shows how merciless this guy really is….Him at his most masochistic, you might say. Plus he has that cool, weird lisp. Not so scary…But it definitely lulls you into a false sense of security.
7. Captain Hook- In the movie Hook, Dustin Hoffman is basically the comic relief. We see him threatening Peter Pan and bossing around Smee, and then out of left field, runs Rufio through with his sword, up to the hilt! Offing a 12 year old in a sword fight is pretty impressive and he does it with a suave touch of remorseless glee. I guess thus far the common denominator is child killing, but it’s cool because it was a fair fight, Hook just played him and won, fair in square. Rufio! Rufio! Ru- Fi OOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
6. Ivan Drago- Annihilates Apollo Creed in Rocky 4, flat out beats him to death, then this juiced up commy knocks Rocky retarded. Literally. He also has some classic lines, “I will break you…” and, “If he dies, he dies.”
5. Evil Ash- Army of darkness. Coolest scene when the mini Ashes go into his mouth and spawn off an evil counterpart. He then takes a point blank shotgun blast to the face and is buried alive. But you heard the conversation they had. “I’m bad Ash. And you’re good Ash. YOU’RE GOODY LITTLE TWO SHOES!!” He leads an army of Deadites and sally’s forth in a cool sword fight against Bruce Campbells’ good Ash while killing any inept soldier in his way. And no one can forget the classic, “Give me some sugar baby.” As he, in zombie form, French kisses a lovely young maiden.
4. Shooter McGavin- Eats little pieces of shit like Happy Gilmore for breakfast and hires on a crazed fan to run him down on the golf course. But stay out of his way…Or you’ll pay! Listen to what he has to say…
3. Dark Helmet- “Ready Kafka?” or “Everyone knows I drink coffee when I watch Radar!!” or “You what!? You went over my helmet?” before totally using the Shwartz on the guys balls, “Yes. That!”. He doesn’t die in this flick and goes by the credo “Evil always triumphs because good is dumb.” But remember in the long run that this man along with Colonel Sanders and Mel Brooks stole all the air from Druidia to give ten thousand years of fresh air to planet Spaceball. Pure Evil. And then threatens to give Princess Vespa back…HER OLD NOSE!!
2. Matt Wilson- The nemesis to Sean Astin from Encino Man. The badass who wouldn’t piss on your gums, if your teeth were on fire. And let’s not forget about his catchphrase, “Shoosh! Hush, please!” And before punching Brendan Frasier in the face, say’s the brilliant and one of my most used lines to date, “I don’t know you. I don’t like you. As of now….I’m all over you.” And he has 18 inch Bi’s…Mine are only four….
1. Shannon Hamilton- The proprietor of Fashionable Male who loathes Brody in Mallrats and steals his girlfriend. Did you expect me to leave Affleck out of this? He likes to do girls in an uncomfortable place, I expect it to be like the back of a Volkswagen, and have a really realistic scene where a beats Brody in the back hall of the mall. Come on that punch to the face looked good. And finally, banging an underage girl with the lines of all lines “Who’s your favorite New Kid? Call me Joey…Oh please don’t go girl!” Fine acting on the part of Affleck, “Did someone call your name?” He asks as Brody screams for Renee literally three feet away from him. It doesn’t get more evil than him, he has no respect for people with no shopping agenda