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You should know as a disclaimer that I am a Howard Stern NerdBastard, and this is for all you who are like me, lovers, quoters, and diehards.

            So, I’m married. Simple. My wife is literally your prototypical woman. No insult intended but she is a pretty normal and regular girl. I don’t ask for much and we have a pretty amicable thing going on…But where does that go, and more importantly, why?

My test subject today, is Beth Ostrosky. The wife of the hardest worker of the world, our favorite martyr, yours and mine, Howard Stern.

            Beth Stern now, is arguably in the eyes of her husband and most of his listeners, the PERFECT woman. Beautiful, flawless features, with an extreme passion for charity and an affinity for animals. She is also a saint the way that she is willing to please her husband with putting up with his humanistic (insane) quirks and has an eagerness for sex 3-4 times a week with her husband. So why?

            Why is every realistic relationship, mundane and uncomfortable when this PERFECT girl exists and possibly many more out there that you may find, they have the potential to be real. But you won’t. Beth is described to us daily. Her persona has been sculpted to us, mostly by Howard, like an artist with smooth clay. Blah blah blah, its not the money, Howard has been with her for nine years and she’s too normal for it to be about the money. You can tell the way she adores him when she looks at him, it’s clear in her crystal eyes… So how and why is she so PERFECT? Is it natural? IS IT REAL? That is what I want to know. I want to believe in girls like Beth, sitting in their sweats, telling their man they don’t feel like it. Because technically and to be a totally professional author and writer, IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!

            Her perfection has been described to us for years, the way they met, the way they still ogle each other, and she looks at Howard like he’s fucken Brad Pitt! But that’s good! All our wives should look at us like that, and he’s lucky, but is it real? Is it put on? Does she have the “No Sex Sweats”, does she have an occasional and unnecessary “Fuck Off Day”, or is that love and PERFECTION something that we can all find if we seek it out? The hopeless romantics who wear a broken heart on their sleeves want this girl. They want the Beth O’s of the world. So what I need to know is that Beth’s heart does pump with that type platinum blood, her heart is full of that love that makes you believe she cares about other’s more than herself. All these questions should be addressed on his show, it is claimed, but who knows what is real and what is the show? And frankly, I am not too bitter of a man to say, I am happy for him to have gotten her, and not because he’s Howard Stern, but because everyman deserves a girl like Beth, if it’s really real, and how could you begrudge him that.

 

……..And she should get off her ass and do Playboy already, it’s time.

Category: Nerd Culture, WTF?

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