Galactus.jpg Galactus image by phideltusc

When approaching the question “Which comic book hero/villain has the biggest dick?” there are many factors to consider, and endless candidates.  I tried to keep it in the spectrum of the DC/Marvel universe, to give myself a reasonable amount of guys (and girls) to work with.   I have compiled it into a neat little Top 10 list.  Enjoy.


10. Mystique can shapeshift, therefor she could clone herself to the man with the biggest dick in the world.  But as she is not equipped with a penis herself, I don’t think that counts. 

9. Bane has crazy venom that makes him pretty huge, so for a moment, I wondered if perhaps it enhanced his member as well.  But then I realized that even if it did, when dudes are all ‘roided out, their balls shrink to laughable proportions.  And really, what’s a big dick without a nice set of nuts to match?  So he’s out too.

8. The Green Lantern poses an interesting thought, too.  Since it is understood that there are many incarnations of the Lantern, perhaps one of them is the best endowed?  After all, some Lanterns are huge alien guys, and one is a BLACK GUY.  Still, I’m not 100% convinced.

7. Professor X just might have a ginormous meat stick.  It seems like an odd choice, but after much deliberation, the logic is just brilliant.  It is so big and so heavy, that it causes him to herniate, and he needs to cart his ass around in a wheelchair.

6. Hulk is no doubt a huge guy, and probably the one that comes to mind first for most, but I believe his rage issues stem from something deep… Say, a tiny baby dick for example.  Also, he’s only SOMETIMES the Hulk.  As Bruce Banner, it has to be average at best.  Doesn’t count.

5. The Joker seemed pretty convincing at first.  I’m going to go ahead and say that it is a FACT that scrawny guys have disproportionately large weiners.  Furthermore, after just a couple “sessions” with Dr. Quinzel, he turned her into the hot (and flexible) villianess Harley Quinn, who is extraordinarly loyal to the Joker no matter how poorly he treats her.  That has huge cock written all over it.

4. Superman is over six feet tall.  And it seems that everything on him is large, muscular, and hard as a rock.  So it goes without saying that he’s got a super sized tallywhacker.  Careful not to let him cum inside you though, as it would probably blow off the top of your skull.

3. Mr. Fantastic can stretch his as long as he wants, but it is my personal belief that it would then become grotesquely thin, so I don’t think that qualifies him for “biggest”.  Longest, maybe, but not biggest. 

2. Thor had me going for a moment.  I thought, well, the guy’s a Norse god.  That’s got to count for something.  No doubt he has a large one, but is it THE largest?  Not compared with our #1.

1. Galactus is freaking huge.  It’s no fair how huge he is.  He literally eats planets.  Each of this guy’s nuts are the size of Saturn.  This guy ejaculates the milky way.   His shaft has the girth of Jupiter.  His fucking urethra is bigger than the Grand Canyon.   Even though I hate to declare him the winner, because it’s so damn unfair, there is just no contest.

I’d like to give a shout out to my runners up:
Aquaman – Probably has a huge dick, but nobody gives enough of a shit to check it out.
Beast – Huge AND blue.  The hypertrichosis is a bit of a turn-off though.
Colossus – I don’t know what it is with the X-Men, they should be called the XXX-Men.
Iron Man – Even if it’s not THAT huge, you know it’ll be hard.
Black Panther – He’s black, and stereotypes are funny.



Who do YOU think has the biggest dick?  Or how about the smallest?

Category: Comics, WTF?

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