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Have you ever thought about the two sunned planet Tatooine, when not watching Star Wars? Me neither. But I have come to the conclusion that no matter what happens, living a normal suburban life just isn’t possible. And the urban living? Great Odin’s Raven!! I’ve never seen a more wretched hive of scum and villainy…Makes the South Central projects look like Disneyworld…Or so Menace 2 Society would leave me to believe.

So what if? What if you have a smokin’ hot Padme’, or a Twi’Lek with Tig old Biddies in a mesh top wanting a romantic picnic on the Dune Sea? Well you would need to be prepared like a boy scout. Just from what I’ve seen on film, I’ve compiled a small list of necessary necessities not necessarily needed but not unneeded, nonetheless.

7) An Umbrella-Obvious. The one thing that is absolutely a no-brainer.

6)A Blanket or Two Beach Chairs- So not to burn your hot piece of ass on the sand and make my girl reference a pun.

5)A Cooler With Ice and a Generator- I’m talking industrial strength. A regular cooler would turn to a jacuzzi in minutes, so I’m sure Mos Eisly sells coolers for these kinds of occasions. Don’t buy from Watto, he’ll rip you off.

4)Food-Whatever the hell people in the Star Wars universe eat. In all the films, I don’t think you get a flash of any food…Except Luke’s Aunt who makes blue milk…Just bring something sand won’t ruin.

3) Goggles and Breathing Tank- The apparatus that the Tusken Raiders use are both stylish AND practical. For the harsh climate change that could ruin you and your love’s picnic, if not burying you alive.

2)Sand Proof Condoms and Lube- If no ones around AND you happen to get some Twi Lek poontang, you need to be ready that your not hittin’ it dry like sandpaper…Plus, they may or may not have two vaginas…But thats totally hearsay!!

1)A Blaster or Lightsabre-And Just when you are at the height of hot Tatooine Picnic sex, you are ambushed by jawas, or Sand People, or a wild wamprat, you need to save your girl by blowing them away. If it’s a Krayt Dragon? You may need a lightsabre and the know how…Those big motherfuckers will mess you up, if the force is with you, on your picnic, you will slice it up like a TaunTaun.

Category: Film, Nerd Culture

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