Okay, before you level 55 Nerd Paladins exit your parental basement lair with your pitchforks and torches just hear me out. If by the end you still want to lynch me than feel free. I would rather be strung up in the gallows than feel the sound of my heart breaking when James Cameron crushes it in a hydraulic press.
The year was 1988, a time in most of our socially awkward lives, was a time of discovery. Most likely these wonder years of our lives were filled with movie marathons. These were also the days when all we had from our movie special effects were a whole lot of foam rubber, plastic, pretty laser beams and the occasional backwards talking puppet. Back then we didn’t even know what the term Computer Generated Image even meant. Then in August, 1989 as we were buying our Transformers trapper keepers, and our new Mad Balls lunchboxes something happened. James Cameron gave to the world something that would change the way movies are made. That film was “The Abyss.” The water tentacle in this film changed everything. What was considered Impossible was now achieved. James Cameron became the grandfather of CGI. Then in 1991, like a liquid metal knife to the gut, he did it again in T2. Now fast forward to today. As we sit here with baited breath waiting for “Avatar” to arrive we are left hoping for the best but, expecting the worst. I want this movie to be so mind blowing, the poor cleaning crew at your neighborhood IMAX will be cleaning up nerdy “no no” nectar off the floor for weeks. Sadly, I just don’t think that will come to pass. Here are my five reasons why Avatar will be a lackluster effort of a genus.
1) The monster that Cameron created will come back to kill him. What I mean by that is simple. From 1989 until now filmmakers have abused the use of CGI to the point where the average movie goer just isn’t wowed by it anymore. Sorry to say that the special effects I saw in the Avatar trailer just weren’t that interesting to me. My memory bank is filled with so many epic battles that it seems that I will probably be saying, “eh, the battle at the Black Gate was cooler”. James Cameron himself has been quoted in saying that Gollum was the reason he thought it was time to make Avatar.
2) The Blueman Group, not so cool. I’m not ashamed to say that the Na’vi look stupid. Just face it. They look like Gargamel’s cat fucked Smurfette and this is what spawned. I don’t care how cool the world around them looks, If I can’t look at all the main characters without laughing at them then how am I going to enjoy the movie. For fuck sake, why do they looks so stupid? To give a great example look at “I Am Legend.” That movie was awesome but, I don’t like it. You want to know why? Well, It’s because The CG is awful. How am I supposed to be scared by characters that look like retarded crash test dummies.
3) Bad acting. This is more of a prediction not really based on the trailer. Sam Worthington isn’t that good of an actor when he’s on screen. He was the coolest looking in “Terminator Salvation” but he was the weakest link acting wise. It takes a certain type of actor to pull off almost an entire voice over performance and make it believable. Sorry to say, I will bet my paycheck that we’re going to hear a dull phoned in performance filled with one monotone line after the other. I hopefully will be proven wrong on this one. Who knows?
4) The hype machine. I can’t even think of another film that has generated this much hype. Christ, everywhere you turn you hear how revolutionary this movie is going to be. Yeah I’ll bet the 3D is awesome but, will it be THAT awesome? Is it going to melt your face? Probably not. So, really what we have here is, if you peel away all the hype there really isn’t that much left to be excited about other than the 3D. So, if the 3D doesn’t melt my face than it won’t be any better than the Simpsons in 3D.
5) The “Fern Gully” isn’t cool. The Fact that my first impression after seeing the trailer was, “Wow they made a live action Fern Gully movie,” wasn’t a good start. I thought I was being funny but, then a couple days later while browsing the web I see post after post of people saying the exact same thing. Seriously, a bad ass movie should never be able to be compared to the fucking “Fern Gully.”
Well, this nerd has his fingers crossed, and has lowered his expectations to a depressing low. I hope that the fact James Cameron has never ever let me down prove that even the most cynical of nerds can me wrong. Otherwise, the tidal wave of salty tears… WILL KILL US ALL!!!
Not like you haven’t already watched this frame by frame but, here’s THE TRAILER from IMDB. Enjoy! Hopefully.