Sci-Fi and Fantasy films…Ahh..A movie that can get away with anything the fuck it pleases if its an original script. Or if not handled as delicately as china…Or a newborn being held onto by the ankle…Someone’s cult comic, film remake, graphic novel, or game of any sort can be destroyed and bring down the integrity of it all as a whole. My list consists of the silly…The bad..And the worst. Most of these picks are originals of sorts, and just because they’re BAD…Doesn’t neseccarily mean I don’t relish them, in that way they take you back to a time when your life was simpler and the special F/X were astounding!
10)Krull- This horrendous 80’s masterpiece, is so terrible. So outlandish it makes Lord of the Rings seem realistic. It takes place in a world of Kings and Queens, knights and warriors and strange magics…Then aliens come down from outer space in a castle/mountain, that vanishes everyday and reappears somewhere else on the Planet. The hero’s main weapon is called the Glaive, not a real glaive, but a steel starfish looking switchblade that he throws like a frizbee and it comes back to him. Not sold yet? Ranks into the category of SO bad it’s good. A cyclops that knows the day of his death? Firemares, horses that run through the sky on tracks of flame? The aliens are called “Slayers” and their spears shoot lazers. Done, go buy it.
9)Dragonheart- Denis Quaid talking in a gravelly voice, and Sean Connery as the wizened Dragon Draco, who assures the dragon slaying Bowen “I AM THE LAST ONE!!!!”. Would have been a killer movie if the nemesis wasn’t an unkillable little goofy English dude. Although the English dude was great in “Kingdom of Heaven”…But he was in an awkward stage at this point…And unfortunately so was CG…Half the time Quaid is talking up by Draco’s head and the other half of the time, Sean Connery is throwing in contemporary political jokes about Bill Clinton. Weird right? Rent it.
8)Reign of Fire-Gorgeous special effects. The dragon design was amazing. Christian Bale is amazing. Mathew Maconahey was…Unnecessary. Its post apocalyptic …world….and Dragons like to kill people. That is the movie. MM shows up to Bale’s camp and shows him that the dragons can be killed. You’d think that there were some amazing dragon hunts and battles…But most of the film is humans running and taking cover. Watch it on TNT, DVR.
7)Excalibur- A terrible twisted idea to make the King Arthur myth and story, bloody, religious, poorly acted and god awful sets of armor. It was 1981, quaaludes were still somewhat available and I think that for some reason they created trippy visions of what they believed this movie could’ve been. The final battle was decent. But I think, if my memory serves me correctly, almost all the nights of the round table are totally fucken killed in battle…Wait for it to hit HBO-NEVER WATCH “First Night” instead.
6)Dragon Slayer- Back when puppeteering and closeups of monsters were animatronic, when in flight this dragon looks worse than the sea gull at the beginning of “Clash of the Titans”. The dragon slayer himself looks like the kid from “Blue Lagoon”, and he is not very good at dragon slaying…He kills a baby dragon, which leads to a lot of running away from the mama dragon. This film sucks in that good way, because you know you’ll watch it when it’s on, but you don’t SIT down to actually find it, rent it or buy it. View by happenstance.
5)Deep Blue Sea-Here comes the bad boys, and not that cool way when bad means good. This horrifyingly over CG’d, piece of shit, LL Cool J flick is about super intelligent, scientifically engineered sharks that somehow eat everyone in a laboratory, that they flooded. This movie was one of the worst sci-fi horror flicks to be dreamed up by some Hollywood crack addict. The sharks, when swimming as special effects, look like Jaws 3d, but better and worse at the same time….Don’t look at the DVD cover art, this is the rapture of Satan himself.
4)Neverending Story 2- Part 1? Amazing. Part 2? Dear God… Everyone, every voice, everything you loved about the original was raped..ANALLY in this abortion of a sequel. Johnathan Brandis committed suicide years after starring in this film…I’m not saying anything, just, ya know…Think on that one….
3)Godzilla-The new remake that made Godzilla…Nothing like anything Godzilla ever was. Mathew Broderick does NOTHING except run around. Godzilla looks like a dragon/dinosaur/cloverfield monster, who vanishes into buildings when being chased. I don’t need to tell you, everyone already knows that this movie is probably what made 9/11 happen…
2)Planet of the Apes- One of Mark Wahlberg’s first action type flicks. If any of the original POTA’s were decent at the time, or have now become cult hits, this one has just as quickly faded from memory as being one of the worst films ever. And not just Sci-fi/Fantasy! All Movies! This movie was so bad that I actually get emotionally upset about it when I think back to it. There wasn’t one redeemable thing that made that flick worthwhile. I felt fucked with my clothes on.
1)Dungeons&Dragons- The motherload. Anybody who knows anything about D&D cried. Tears of agonizingly terrifying resentment, for a movie that was created, directed, and acted, by people who never played, read or heard of D&D. There are no words to describe the terror and pain one felt watching them butcher a roleplayers mecca. The film that had been discussed in basements and bedrooms of geeks worldwide. The potential was endless for this film. ENDLESS. It was as if they took, every bad, non D&D genre’d idea, wrote it down, handed it to a Islamic Terrorist and let him cast and direct it. Buy this DVD at the dollar store, douse it in lighter fluid, set it ablaze and whip it as hard as you can at anyone involved, from acting lighting.