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Mario: His Inner Thoughts

mario bros main

…….just read it……you will laugh……

Holy crap, holy crap, holy f*cking crap!  What have I gotten myself into?!  This is bad.  This is very, very bad.  Okay, I can see a castle up ahead.  That’s gotta be where that hot princess is.  All I have to do is just get around all this weird, f*cked up shit that’s surrounding the castle, and then I can go in and bone the hell out of her and everything will be fine.  Should I try to go around all of these bizarre, other-worldy obstacles, or should I just go straight through it as quickly as possible?  F*ck it.  I want this to be over fast.  I’m just gonna go for it.  Okay, let’s see here: what’s this, a floating brick?  Well, I might as well head-butt this, right?  Ooh!  Look at that!  Some money fell out of it!  Okay, cool.  Maybe this isn’t so hard after all.  I mean, I already found some money, so how hard can it—HOLY SHIT!!!

shroom

WHAT THE F*CK IS THAT?!!!  An angry walking mushroom?!!  Oh my god!  I wanna leave! Let me out, let me out, let me out!  Oh, god!  I’m going to die in this nightmare world!  Why don’t I have a weapon of any kind?!  I’m a f*cking plumber!  I’m wearing an entire pair of overalls!  These things are completely covered with pockets, and yet I don’t have anything that can be used as a weapon!  No hammer, no wrench…what kind of a plumber am I?!!  Oh, god!  The angry mushroom is getting closer!  I’m gonna die!  Oh, wait…now it’s walking away.  OH, SHIT! IT’S COMING BACK AGAIN!  F*ck this!  I don’t want to live anymore!  Open your mouth, angry mushroom, and let me jump in!  Here I come!  Goodbye, cruel world—-oh, shit.  I squashed him like a bug!  Hey, this is going a lot better than I thought it would!  I’ve already found money and I know how to kill angry mushrooms.  Not bad for a meager plumber, eh?  Yeah, that princess is totally gonna want to bone me when I get to that castle.  Oh! Some more floating bricks.  I’ll just head-butt these f*ckers and get the money out of—–woah!

sroom 2

What the f*ck?!  A big ol’ mushroom popped up out of that brick!  Wait a minute: this mushroom doesn’t have angry eyes like the other one did.  This is crazy.  Y’know what?  I don’t know why, but I’m gonna eat this one…

mario

Oh, hell yeah!  That f*ckin’ mushroom made me gigantic!  Either that, or I was comically short before, and now I’m normal sized.  Who cares, though, right?  I’m big now, and I feel like I’m twice as hard to kill!  Look out princess, cuz that mushroom also gave Mario a big ol’ di—aw, shit.  More floating bricks.  Okay, I’ll head-butt the rest of these things, and leap over these few awkward pipes protruding from the ground, and smash a few more of these angry mushrooms, and leap over this little pitfall.  God dammit!  More floating bricks again!  Feast on my head-butt, mysterious floating brick!

flower

Woah!  What the f*ck is this?  A f*ckin’ flower?  What is this, some sort of pussy-ass brick?  Why is it giving me a f*cking flower?  Hey, wait a minute, this flower sort of looks like fire, too.  Oh, hell yeah!  This is a flower mixed with fire or some shit like that!  Oh, I’m gonna eat this shit up!   Awwww yeah! It changed the color of my clothes!  Hell yeah!  Oh, and guess what else, confused-looking turtle that’s trying to sneak up on me, Mario can throw motherf*ckin’ fireballs now, too!  Yeah!  Swallow my load, turtle bitch!  Swallow my fireball load!!!

turtle

Alright, I’m totally rolling now.  I’m a bashing-floating-bricks-and-throwing-fireballs-at-angry-mushrooms-and-confused-turtles-going-to-bang-the-hell-out-of-a-fuckin-princess-pretty-soon machine!!  Let’s do this!  Okay, up this weird staircase made of blocks, over this f*ckin’ bottomless pit, up this larger staircase here, and—-ooooh, look at this!  Somebody put up a f*ckin’ flag in front of this castle.  Well, f*ck this.  This is Mario’s castle now, bitch!  I’m taking this gay-ass flag down, and I’m going inside this castle, and y’know what I’m gonna do inside there?  I’m gonna f*ck the shit out of the princess.  Hell yeah!  But first, I’m gonna throw some fireballs and set off every single f*ckin’ firework in the whole place.  Y’know why?  Because I’m the man, that’s why!  I’m the gigantic (or no-longer dwarf-sized), fireball-throwing Mario the f*ckin’ plumber, bitches!  HELL YE—

ewnd

WHAT?!!!!! What do you mean she’s in another castle?!  Awwww, shit, man!  You mean I have to that all over again?  I barely f*cking made it through this last time!  God dammit.  This is f*cked up, dude!  F*CK.

Straight from Holy Taco.

Category: Videogames, WTF?

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