I don’t care that this isn’t geek news. I don’t care that this isn’t NEW news. It’s news to me, and it’s the single most amazing thing I’ve ever heard in my life. WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME ABOUT THIS UNTIL NOW?!?!?!?!
So the story is, some dumb kid wants to blow up his school. But that’s only where it begins. His goal in all of this is to die, go to heaven, and, you guessed it: KILL JESUS.
Now, of course this could all be some ridiculous cover story to make him sound insane… but I have to believe there is a good chance that this kid actually thinks this way. There are so many flaws to this plan I cannot even fathom them all. Some obvious and major points:
He is assuming that Jesus and heaven both exist somewhere.
He is assuming that he can get away with planting several “target bombs” throughout the school.
He is assuming that he will die before someone brings him down.
He is assuming that after committing murder and suicide he would go to heaven.
He is assuming that he would meet Jesus.
He is assuming that he would be capable of killing Jesus.
- He is assuming that God would not smite him.
When I think about it, the fact that he wants to blow up the school does not really phase me. Yeah, that would suck, tragedy would ensue, blah blah blah. But that’s normal. Every kid wants to just splatter the guts of their enemies on the linoleum from time to time, but most of them are just reasonable people who would never actually do it when push came to shove.
I just have so many questions. Did he never stop to think that none of this even made one iota of sense? Did he actually think it did make sense and would all pan out? What kind of fucked up church did this kid go to that he believed in heaven but not that you had to be just or righteous to earn a golden ticket? Why didn’t we let the south secede? Is there anything funnier than loljesus.com?