The Road Less Traveled is a way for us here at Nerdbastards.com to speak up for the little people in the nerd kingdom. Sometimes popular opinion can make a young little nerd afraid to voice his or her own point of view for the fear of being shunned from the geek world. That’s why I am here. I have no problem putting my own personal opinion aside to point out the good in all things that the vast majority consider undeniably heinous. Don’t worry, we will also discuss the massive amounts of suck in all things we hold more sacred than the bible. Hey, you can’t have one without the other, I plan on pissing off both sides of the playing field with this new series. So, let’s get to it then shall we? Today on The Road Less Traveled let’s talk about a little film that many people out there hate with a passion. That film, if I can be so bold to call it a film, is of course Bloodrayne.
When people hear the name Uwe Boll it can bring so much anger and hatred to their voice that, at least with some people, can sound almost like they are possessed by the devil. There is so much hate for this man that the petition that has started to get him to stop making movies has hit a staggering 346,553 people (link to petition). That’s a lot of hate. Dr. Boll has become infamous for raping video game franchises left and right with his third rate movies. Generally, they end up having little to do with the subject matter of the games and contain bad acting, horrible camera work, and an all around lack of any artistic merit.
With Bloodrayne however, there actually is a lot to like if you are able to watch it in the right way. Let’s get one thing straight right off the bat, Boll isn’t buying up game franchises that anyone really gives a shit about to begin with. Bloodrayne the game wasn’t really anything more than a poor man’s version of Blade with a hot chick as the main character. I played both games and I enjoyed them. They were both fun gory vampire romps with enough action and story to keep you interested all the way to the end. On the flipside though, they weren’t memorable, the gameplay wasn’t inventive and as a whole they weren’t worthy of being adapted into a feature film.
Bloodrayne the film is a prequel to the games that tells the story of how Rayne became a vampire hunter. What I like about this film is that from beginning to end feels like I was watching a video game cut scene. All the actors sound like their doing voice over work, the action is so over the top silly, the set pieces are grand in scale, and the narrative jumps so fast that at times it becomes hard to stay with the story. Does that sound like just about every video game cut scene you’ve ever seen? Well It does to me. If you go into this film thinking you’re going to watch a 90 minute cut scene then you will enjoy it. Fact is, if this was the cut scenes in the games we wouldn’t be having this conversation because it wouldn’t be considered awful. There is a fine line tight rope balancing act in film when a movie is so bad it’s good and a movie that’s so bad it’s just bad. With Bloodrayne I feel it wobbles on both sides, but I still think this one is so bad it’s good. This is the type of movie you watch with a group of friends and make fun of it the whole time, or turn it into a drinking game. Whatever your decision, the enjoyment you get out of this film will be what you put into it.
Then there is the gore. The game was known for it’s gore and the movie is no different. Most times a director makes a gory movie to shock their audience. In the case of say a Troma film, that’s when the director uses gore as a way to make the audience laugh while their being shocked. If you watch the unrated version of Bloodrayne you will see some of the silliest gore that isn’t in an Asian Extreme film. By no means is this top notch gore, but goddammit it was real fun to watch. There are two parts that stand out the most, one is a moment where a nameless solider gets a sword through the face, priceless. Second, there is a part where a group of guys are hacking away at a completely dismembered body for absolutely no reason at all, hilarious! The gore alone makes this movie at the very least watchable.
Last, but certainly not least is Kristina Loken. Acting ability aside, she’s pretty fucking hot. She fit the part perfectly and while in costume she really is a spitting image of Rayne. Plus, an added bonus for you nude mongers out there, there is quite a nice borderline soft core sex scene a little after the halfway point. Come on haters, admit it even you liked that part!
There is a lot to say about a bad movie. Even if you hate it more than anything, in a sense you still enjoyed it because now you can still have the post movie review with your friends. Most times that heated and passionate conversation is worth the price of admission. If you follow my rules you will enjoy Bloodrayne, or not really give a shit enough to sign the petition. Either way you won’t hate it.
One question that does need to be asked is, how big of a favor was Ben Kingsley returning by being in this film? Did Uwe Boll help him bury a body? I really want to know, but alas Hollywood is a deep ocean of secrets.