There have been many times in my life where I have been forced to make a decision. That decision is of course weather or not go see a movie. Back in the old days when tickets didn’t break the bank it was easy to throw a little money in the trash if you ended up suffering through a stinker of a movie. Now, with ticket and concession prices set to almost cruel proportions it’s no wonder people pirate movies on the internet. Now Hollywood has given us 2012. This is a movie that is so unbelievably bad, that it is not even worth your bandwith to download it for free. I kid you not, If I could actually afford the popcorn at the concession stand I would’ve thrown it at the fucking screen! Oh yeah, right, this is a review not a rant. Let me tell you why this movie is complete garbage…
Scientists figure out the Mayans were right all along so the government has to figure out how to preserve humanity. Then we meet, out of work writer Jackson Curtis(John Cusack). He has to drive a Limo to make ends meet then he finds himself in the middle of the end of the world as we know it. We get to see the world go to hell through his eyes as he conveniently ends up at just about every epic moment of mass destruction right before it happens. That is all you really need to know about the story because in all honesty, that is the whole story in a nutshell. Normally, I would go a little in depth here but I really don’t think It’s worth my time.
What I liked:
As a whole this movie is garbage but, I would be a liar if I said I didn’t like a few things about it. It’s a Roland Emmerich movie so the special effects and epic destruction are pretty fucking awesome to watch. He really did pull out all the stops on this one and it really is unmatched by any other disaster movie before it. There are moments in this movie that will chill you to the bone with the amount of realism that went into some of the bigger disaster set pieces. My jaw did drop a couple times, I’ll admit it. There is also a few comical moments that made me chuckle a bit none more than the nutty radio host Charlie Frost played by Woody Harrelson. This character is the only thing I actually fully 100% enjoyed about this movie. Woody again knocked this role(as small as it was) right out of the fucking park.
What I didn’t like:
Oh my god where do I begin? Christ, I am actually getting mad as I am typing this that is how much this movie sucks. First let me say this, I knew going in that this was going to be silly, unbelievable, implausible, littered with bad acting and even more cliche’ plot devices. I did want to like this movie, I really did. It had so much promise to be at the very least a fun ride. So I checked my brain at the door set my expectations as low as they can go and like Stretch Armstrong I stretched out about as much suspension of disbelief that my brain would allow. Even after all that it still managed to piss me off this much. That should tell you something.
– First, you see just about every big disaster moment in all the trailers and T.V. spots and it destroys most, if not all, of the suspense the movie tries to build. How can you be on the edge of your seat if the whole time your like, ” hey I saw that in the trailer!”
– Convenient is the magic word! There is a certain level of convenience that is exceptable in a film like this. 2012’s convenience hits critical mass by about 1 hour in and the movie is just under 3 hours. There is just no way you can expect me to believe Jackson and his family could do all the things they do and get to all the places they do. It just wouldn’t happen. At all! I called BULLSHIT more times that I could even begin to count.
– The story is awful. All the story does is insult the audience as it drives us from one big disaster to another. There are so many characters and subplots going on that it really gives you no time to even really give a shit about any of them including the main characters that you follow most of the time. It is filled with so much garbage that it amazes me that this script was even green lit.
– It’s just too damn long! You will feel every second of this movie. By the time you think it’s almost over there is still a half hour left. It’s worse than the ending of The Lord Of The Rings. There is a staggering amount of useless moments in this movie that should’ve been left on the cutting room floor.
– Danny Glover! Holy shit get this guy a speech coach. I don’t know what fucking happened to him, but the lissssssp this man has is more epic than the cities crumbling around him. To cast Glover as the president was such a mistake! Every time he had to say important things and what not all you can focus on is his fucking lisp! Are you kidding me? Wheres Bill Pullman when you need him?
There really is so much wrong with this movie I really could list so much more. I just don’t want you to be as angry as I am right now! If you want to see this movie just rent, Armageddon, and Deep Impact at least they had a halfway decent story to tell. Okay I’m done! Avoid this movie like you would a world ending volcano. Please! We need to save humanity 1 movie goer at a time!
1.5 out of 5