I’m not a fan of kids. I don’t want to have my lady parts stretched out just to spawn hungry, needy little moppets. My sister, however, cherishes her new baby, Gage, so I’ll play the awesome aunt and will buy him some geeky kid stuff. Someone has to make sure the adorable devil has class and nerd cred; I might as well be the hero. Thus, my online shopping turns into your good fortune if you’re also searching for baby gear that’s not pink, baby blue, or ridiculously sweet. After the jump, you’ll find 10 things I’m considering buying my sister’s new sprite… and one Hylian costume that I can’t.
*Note: Most items are for the wee, newborn behbehs. In addition, most are clothes, because newborns don’t do much except lay around and drool. We’ll cover nerdy kids toys later.
First, you’ve got to outfit the nursery. Baby’s gotta have a place to sleep, right? These monstrous Super Mario Bros. wall decals will give a kid an early start on appreciating video games if you put these around his or her crib. There also are decals for Space Invaders, Donkey Kong and more.
Next, you probably should have a blanket. I hear that babies like to stay warm, but I’m taking my sister at her word on that. I’d be happy if my new nephew was swaddled in a blanket that featured lightning bolts and a skull, though.
We all know that babies are messy. They puke and poop constantly, and then they follow that up with sucking down yet another bottle. If you have to clean up after kids, you might as well have cute towels to do so. In classic comics-style graphics, these burp cloths will do the trick.
Confession: I already have this Rockabye Baby cd. As a Nine Inch Nails fan, I bought it for myself a few years ago and have been pushing it on my baby-making friends ever since. I know Trent Reznor isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, and I definitely got a few dirty looks when I suggested the cd to older parents, but honestly, this is perfect for newborns. “Sin” works surprisingly well as a lullaby.
Every kid needs Star Wars gear, and Baby Gage will have a ton, if I have anything to say about it. This tiny t-shirt evokes the adventure of the classic (*coughREALcough*) trilogy and is a nice change from all the onesies out there.
I know I’m committing a sin of putting Star Trek anywhere near Star Wars – sue me. These onesies are faithful uniform representations. However, as my friend suggested, “DON’T PUT THE BABY IN A RED SHIRT!” Otherwise, Gage will be considered an extra on the set and will die a stupid, plot-driven death.
In my opinion, babies suck the life out of you — why not your brains too? When Gage wears this zombie tribute onesie, everyone will cower in fear when they hang out around his Pack-and-Play. Warning: this could lead your baby down an eventual path of bullying. As a grown-up nerd, it’s your job to prevent that.
Yes, like the product description notes, a baby should be level 0. Doesn’t matter. The kid obviously has skills that we weren’t expecting. He needs to work on his HP, though. Weak.
I’ve already bought this Space Invaders onesie for Gage. Yes, I’m totally turning him into a gamer nerd. I have fond memories of playing Space Invaders, Pitfall and Asteroids, and so will he, dammit!
As far as I can tell, one of the best things about having a kid is dressing it up for Halloween. There are a bazillion cool costumes out there for newborns, but I decided to go with a classic hero — Captain America. This ensures that Gage won’t hear, “Why did Aunt Allison dress you up like Darth Maul? That’s not cute!” for his first Halloween. We’ll save that for his second.
Finally, there’s some serious awesomeness out there for parents who can sew and crochet. My sister is not one of those people, so she, unfortunately, won’t be able to clothe Gage in this:
That’s right. You’re looking at a freaking handmade Link costume, complete with a hat and a bottle quiver. Someone seriously needs to make that and send it my way. Gage is going to save Hyrule, dammit.
Category: Nerd Culture