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Top 10 Red Wine & A Revolver Movies

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The Road, Marley&Me, The Departed, The Notebook

I have an issue. I love most movies. Movies with subtle flaws, as well as movies with extreme quality flaws( I.E. Surviving Christmas, Kung Pow, The Mexican and I KNOW, Gigli). These are prime examples of movies that are plagued by bad writing, acting or even plot points, but again, that doesn’t stop me from finding something gratifying about it.

But that issue is an opener for the movies that I love and hate at the same time. In fact when I see these movies, the first thing I say is this newly coined phrase of mine…I stand up and state…”If I had a bottle of red wine and revolver, I would not be leaving here alive.”

These are the incredibly depressing films that while I find the beauty and wonder of the acting and cinematography…I find the downers hard to walk away from feeling jovial. Here are the Top Six Red Wine & A Revolver Movies….Because well….There are only six bullets in a revolver.

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6) There Will Be Blood- Awesome movie. Incredible acting. Best ending of all time…Then why do I want to unload a fully loaded firearm into my head most of the time during this film? Well, not because Daniel Day Lewis does the same thing to a guy in this movie…The great ending of this movie does not justify the marathon of pain you subject yourself through to get to that awesome ending.

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5)Precious- Ok, this movie is very new. But I couldn’t help but feel a terrible shame of wanting to give up for this girl who couldn’t I wanted to kill myself FOR HER. To end her suffering by dying was all I could think of in this film. A nice merlot and the cool steel in my hand? Easier to pull the trigger with a belly full of warm red.

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4)Children of Men- Nothing good happened in this movie. Nothing. Good idea. Bad everything else. All I knew was that with each passing moment I felt like it was a live action, gritty Charlie Brown episode. The world shits on him consistently but he keeps pushing through to accomplish!!!???……Nothing.

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3)The Fountain- First of all, if you can understand ANYTHING in this movie besides watching the person you love slowly die of cancer, I commend you. This is probably the most confusing movie ever made…Worse than Clue!… Dying Rachel Weiz. Dying Monkeys. Dying everybody! Plus confusing script. What can ever make this movie better? Ah… A nice bottle of red wine…Whats that? A handgun? But why?…..Oh….I see….

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2)Schindler’s List- I love this movie. But the heart wrenching realism and brutality and sadness of it all takes away from the bigger picture, liberating Jews from a concentration camp and personal sacrifice. But you know what you really want to do is blow yourself away at the end. Its kind of like Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey…The dogs live at the end but you still want to cry…..And Die.

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1)7 Pounds- All I could do at the end of this movie was look at wife and say, “What the fuck just happened.” And where I first stated, “I I only had a bottle of red wine…..”. Will Smith is responsible for the deaths of 7 people in the movie., and the term “A pound of flesh” is reference to a debt to be repayed. So he personally sacrifices himself out of either guilt, grief or self righteousness…Until he falls in love again with a terminally ill girl who only HE can save with his death. Made I Am Legend look like Home Alone.

Crushingly beautiful and poignant to behold, this sob story makes you want more than to sob…I didn’t even want to have sex afterwards…

Category: Film, Nerd Culture

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