Top Ten Classic Crimes Against Nerds

Among other things, nerds are often victims. Victims of violence, ridicule, and yes, even other nerds. I have selected my top ten favorite crimes against nerds and some visuals for those of you who have not encountered said crimes up close and personal-style.

1. The Wedgie Patrol On Duty — Sound the “Ouuuuuch” Horn! The meatheads are out tonight and they’re after your unders!


2. Build them up to let them down — There are countless cinematic versions of this old scenario, but nobody can forget this scene from the original Carrie…

swirly3. The Swirly — I’m not trying to ruin your dreams of tie-dyed jaunts about the woods, or your funky spin-art collection….but a real swirly sucks. Unless you’re on the giving end. And even then you’re reaching into a toilet. So…somethin’ to think on.


4. Trapped in Locker/Variations on a Theme — Who hasn’t seen a shrimpy dork crammed into a locker, trash can, or closet at a party? Here’s a classic film example of our beloved Farmer Ted 😉 trapped at the party from Sixteen Candles

5. Sign on back — In my junior high this evolved to “Pantyliner on back” — which still allows a nice sharpie message to be relayed, such as “Wide Load” and other equally hi-LARious messages. Pantyliners really do stick well. Go ahead, try it!


6. Food/Drink/Whoopie Cushion Attack — Anytime a nerd gets surprised by a tray of food smashed against them or a whoopie cushion on their chair…the crowd goes wild. Who can forget when Wyatt and Gary get slushees dumped on them at the mall in Wierd Science?


7. Feign interest in nerds/nerd topics — It works the same way as when we used to get our military-obsessed 9th grade history teacher to talk about weaponry on test day…like a charm. Enjoy this scene from Revenge of the Nerds

8. Be more into Star Wars then Him/Her — Years ago I shared an office at New Times LA with our Star Wars correspondent Glenn Gaslin (hi Glenn if you’re reading!) and oh lordy could he talk about Star Wars. And then finally he married it! Which was a beautiful day for him, but difficult for Star Wars‘ scorned lovers everywhere.

9. Interrupt Him/Her — You do NOT want to interrupt a nerd without donning your emotional body armour. If you don’t believe me…watch this infamous clip from Trekkies.

10. Beat them at their own game The King of Kong. “Nuff Said.

(Article by nerdbastards contributor Melissa Fouch Machowski)

Category: Film, WTF?

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