Merry Christmas Bastards!


(Gingerbread Laptop Made by Melissa Fouch)

As everyone can relate. The holidays are quite stressful and hold less and less meaning to us as each year passes. We grew up under the impression that a jolly fat man wanted to give us shit just for not pissing our parents off. We were entertained and mesmerized by the clay-mation moral classics , such as Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman and many others. We thought getting and decorating a Christmas Tree was something special, oh how nice it was to get the perfect tree. Sitting by a warm fire after playing all day in snow was magical. We could go to sleep blissfully listening to Bing Crosby sing White Christmas. There was just an innocence from when we were children that most of us wish we could just go back to. Because now we are adults , we realize the horrible truth. Santa is not real, your parents whom you trusted , fucking lied straight to your face. In addition to that tragedy which has scared us for life seeing Rudolf the tumored nosed reindeer for the fucking 1000th time makes us want to drown the pain away with gallons of spiked Eggnog! Going through the hassle and expense of getting the perfect Christmas Tree, yea RIGHT! A cheap pathetic Charlie brown wannabe tree sounds perfect! We discover that snow is in fact not fun at all, it’s cold, wet and just never goes away. A fire would be a nice follow up but chances are your parents got divorced and now you live in a shitty apartment without a fire place. Hearing  “White Christmas” once a year wouldn’t be bad because it is a good song but no, it’s played nonstop and Santa’s real workshop, the fucking mall. The final shock to your jingled balls is not the fact that the gift you got for that special someone simply got regifted to you but rather, somehow, in the past 10 years saying Merry Christmas apparently became a socially degrading phrase. Happy Holidays my ass!

Now I realize I must sound like Dickens Scrooge but the fact of it is we have all endured , in someway, the tortures of Christmas. It’s a holiday that has pissed on us and  that we have shitted on in return. Being rammed in the ass by Satan’s big red devil dick sounds a hell of a lot better. Speaking of which at least hell is warm!

Though despite all that I have said and certainly experienced. There is for a moment on Christmas day that makes me understand what all the commercial hallmark movies are talking about. It’s realizing that no matter who your with or what you get, it is the comfort and cheer of your fellow man, family, friend or stranger that is the greatest gift of all. Sure it’s suppose to be a birthday celebration for a questionable, mythical, figure but it has become a day to love, laugh and cheer, to reflect on what is good in life. Enduring any torturing tribulation in order to experience that is all worth it.

So with that we at Nerd Bastards say Merry Christmas. We love you all! Have a good Holiday and thank you for the support.

Note: In observance of the Holiday we will be taking a short 3 day break. There may be a post here and there but we will be back into full swing on Monday Dec. 28th.

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