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OnionWoman-Married-R“Every time I get to the part where Edward reveals himself to Bella in the sunlight, I start to cry,” Pastor said. “Edward is so beautiful, his skin begins to sparkle in the sun. The closest Victor ever comes to sparkling is when sweat beads up on his chunky thighs after he’s climbed a flight of stairs.”

That quote comes from today’s The Onion Local section in a story titled Woman Married To Fat, Emotionally Distant Vampire Escapes Into ‘Twilight’ Novels. As usual, The Onion captures a snapshot of a would-be Twilight target audience of bored housewives married to Joe Sixpack Vampires who have lost their bloodlust within the marital bed. Oh how we love The Onion.

Category: Nerd Culture

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