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5 Mutants to Whom Ladies Should Refuse Sex

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I’ve done my part; I’ve posted enough T&A on this site over the past two months to make a teenage boy go blind from certain activities. But what about those of us with ladyparts? Girls, consider this your “Oh, HELL no!” guide to comic book Cassanovas.

There are a bevy of mutants from the X-Men universe (and others) worthy of your bed. Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it, ladies. If you haven’t imagined Avalanche putting his earthquake ability to good use, well, we’ve got to turn you onto some stuff. Ahem.

However, there also are a number of mutants who, though they may be good looking, possess powers that will disintegrate your vajayjay or destroy the world. Either scenerio is a major bummer. So, in my continued effort to be service-y, here are five guys you don’t want to fool around with:

5. Colossus

I’m an admittedly thin — ok, maybe scrawny — girl. While I dig tall guys, anyone over roughly 6’3″ scares me, especially when I think about what happens in the bedroom. As Robert Plant said, that’s a whole lotta love, and I’m just not sure my tiny body is up to the task. But that’s not the least of it. No, ladies, not only is Colossus overly equipped in the twig-and-berries department (we presume), but he also turns to metal. That’s right — metal. Do you want to try to fit a giant metallic ding-dong in your nether regions? (Porn stars: don’t answer that question.)

2. Banshee

Ok, this one was difficult for me, since I’m a sucker for accents — particularly Irish ones. Moreover, I love smart guys, and this one was in Interpol. However, Banshee posesses an ability that could prove fatal — he’s got the “sonic scream.” If you get with Banshee, you risk being put into a trance, losing your hearing or vibrating until you liquify (not in the metaphoric way, either). It’s a shame; on the surface, Banshee really does seem like a keeper. But once he cries your name in the heat of passion, whole cities might be brought down. Do you really want that blood on your hands?

3. Iceman

Oh, Bobby Drake is a looker; there’s no doubt about that. But Iceman’s major drawback should be obvious. Um, he’s ice, girls. Now, ice can be fun in small and concentrated doses (Use your imagination), but having a mass of solid ice in and around you? No, not fun. Moreover, Iceman would suck the heat right out of the room, and when your teeth are chattering that hard, your mouth and body just aren’t up for doing other things. No, it’s to your benefit that you make Iceman keep his mittens… er… mitts to himself. The Iceman will not cometh.

4. Quicksilver

I know it sounds trite, but size really isn’t the most important factor in happy relations — stamina’s the biggie (at least for this chica). Therefore, Quicksilver would be full of epic fail. He may be dreamy as he makes Jesus jealous and runs at supersonic speed across water, but that’s where the fun ends. No girl wants him to put that speed to use in the bedroom; it’ll be over before it begins. We already deal with human guys who do that. Why would we waste sexytime with an even faster mutant?

5. Wolverine

And now we come to Wolverine. Sigh. Wolvy has all the stamina a girl could want (Take that, Quicksilver!). Imagine a guy whose skin would heal after you accidentally draw blood scratching his back. Imagine a guy who has the strength to lift you into more positions than any Cosmo mag could suggest. Imagine a guy who would change things up in the sack just by catching the softest variation in your breathing. But then imagine — SNIKT! — those adamantium claws slicing right through you at precisely the wrong time. Wolverine’s kind of fun would come at a high price, and I don’t recommend vagina fillets to anyone.

Category: Comics, Featured

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