D&D spells. Potent, dangerous and in the right hands can unleash hellfire upon a hoard of marauding Gnolls, ogres, Orcs…Any monsters. For capable Mages, spells can be woven into a symphony of destruction.
…But a spell book packed full of goodies in a dungeon haul and you will have you Mages collecting all the books they can find to transfer spells over. While Spells are irrefutably cool and totally Kick-Ass there are definitely some magic that is …Hmm…how do I find the eloquent words…Ball chuggingly useless that they make me want to set myself on fire..Ok, Ok so I’m kind of a drama queen. So here is a list of the Lamest D&D spells (Priest and Mage).
10) Fairie Fire- Outlines your target, humanoid or inanimate object with a glowing red line. It also gives you the benefit of outlining INVISIBLE people, robbing you or attempting to do you harm. Now if you’re dealing with an invisible opponent and you’re using this spell as a means of fighting against him…Sir? you are out of your league. It may be more practical to throw a sack of flour at him…That may be more affective.
9) Clairvoyance/Clairaudience – These low level spells are both individual spells. Clairvoyance lets you select a specific area and see what is going on without actually being there…And Clairaudience lets you hear…See my problem? If you don’t use BOTH, its kinda useless. Oh, and I liked the spell better the second time I used it…When it was called scrying. (David Spade, SNL reference)
8) Friends- This or Charm, this or Charm? decisions, decisions… The choices are endless…Oh, that’s right, one gives the target the impression you’re friends, the other makes him succeptable to nearly all suggestions and makes him nearly, mindlessly infatuated with you. It also may make them invite you to swim in a fountain fully dressed….
7) Otto’s Irresistible Dance- Domination, Suggestion, Charm,nearly all these spells can get a person to dance unwillingly! Plus, this spell is super lame because it’s 8th LEVEL!! That means you need to be at least like 15th Level to cast it. And while it renders an opponent prone (I guess), all it really is doing? Is pissing them off. I’m sure at 8th level you have better tricks up your sleeve… And Otto? The Mage who created this spell? Must Have been some high, hippy Mage, who was giggling with his buddies after too much pipe weed, and chowing on MLT’s (mutton, lettuce and tomatoes), while making innocent bystanders uncontrollably dance in the market around the marketplace!
6) Shillelagh-Turns a stick into a club with a +1, which is basically a stick with a +1. I think a real Shillelagh would do more damage than a stick. Most affective when used by leprechauns, who can combine it with their weird powers. In the hands of a Priest? Its a stick.
5) Starshine- In a dungeon when your looking for light, what do you do? Video games OR D&D? Spark up a torch. Low level mages can cast the spell Light, 2nd level mages can cast Continual Light which is a Permanent, super bright enchantment placed on anything you want. Warriors? Whip out their magic swords which radiate a glow that illuminates as bright as candlelight..So Starshine. What does it do? It (also a high level spell) creates a beautiful illusion of a starlit sky with the soft twinkling lights to guide you way…Perfect cover for a dozen goblins to flank you, and for use outside? Almost as good as regular star light.
4) Detect Undead- Ah yes, if the undead in the 60′ radius are that close and you don’t know it? You are about to die. And if you are using this spell? You are too low a level to take on the hoard. ” Run Bitch!! Ruuuuuuuun!!!!!!”
3) Affect Normal Fires– Wow, what a party trick!!! Take a torch or regular campfire and have it shrink down to embers!! Or Have it Roar into a bonfire! That’s about it. I have been playing D&D fo 19 years and have yet to find a suitable use for this spell. Spying on a group of a dozen Orcs, while they are roasting their human femur on the fire spit you blast it up and….Burn their dinner..
2) Magic Stone- Take a marble or some gravel and turn them into deadly….1D4 damage projectiles…OR take a BIG rock and shot-put, it’ll do more damage. Or use a DAGGER!!
1) Haste- Now, his is all accurate info I’m about to spew at you. Haste doubles your speed and lets you attack twice instead of once per round. See, I thought Haste, at the level its at, would make you speed up to at least 4 or 5 times the speed you move. Also a drawback, unless you’re an Elf is that it ages you one year each time you cast it. So to cast the spell and move at double time for a short amount of time and aging yourself 1 year for 6-10 minutes, you are aging 75,000 times as fast as normal. Is that worth it? A few minutes of double speed? No. no it isn’t.
Secret Track 0) Wish- The spell of spells. The rarest, the raddest, the baddest. Problem is, you need to be SO precise while using this spell because it takes your wish LITERALLY, so you need to have someone cast it with a lot of lore and who is very wise in that area. Wish is a double sided sword. It takes top accolades as Lame because it should be a fun and beautiful thing to use. You should not fear the Wish…Also it ages you 10 years…And you thought Haste was bad!?
Category: Nerd Culture