For many many years zombies have been depicted through film, literature, and old people… but have we really been paying attention? The answer is no. But luckily for all of you, I have. Call it paranoia or creepy that i watch the girl next door undress with binoculars. Damn it. I was trying to keep this serious. *AHEM* I have paid close attention to fictional accounts and incidents in which zombies have been encountered and I can honestly say that there are 10 tips that you, the masses, should know in order to survive a zombie apocalypse. Follow each of them closely and precisely, there should be no variation of these tips incorporated with your own. I’m a professional, well “technically” I’m not, but you can decide for yourself. If you are unsatisfied then is willing to give you a free Sony 50″ flat screen and 3000 dollars cash. Just kidding.. Ah Damn, I’m sooo fired… But seriously, pay attention and you just might survive.

10.) Location, Location, Location…


Knowing that you’re safe and secure is a rarity in the zombie infested wasteland that would be Earth (had there been a zombie apocalypse). But the illusion of safety comes about quite often, and thus, is the end to you, the wayward survivor. SO location is a key component in staying alive. How might you know where a good location is? Simple. It needs to have few windows, it should be spacious, away from populated places (sorry kids no shopping centers) and be able to withstand an attack. WARNING: you should under NO circumstances find your way to a hospital or any other healthcare center, these are the first places where the shit hits the fan. Some lady goes in there, “Owww some psycho bit me!” and then she bites someone and then it spreads throughout the whole damn place.  Locations that would provide a good shelter would be: Prisons (designed to keep bad guys in, but can also be used to keep dead bad guys out. Just be weary of the inmates), Warehouses, Houses or buildings that have a second story in which you can destroy the stairs, and  a bomb shelter would definitely work (but i know many of you don’t have one). Remember that no matter where you are safety is not ensured and that you will have to work in order to survive.

9.) Don’t Be A Dumb Ass


Don’t let the movies fool you, a zombie apocalypse is much more than running around being a jackass with a chainsaw. That’s an efficient way to die. So don’t do that. Also you can’t decide *Super Hick Voice* “IT’S HUNTIN TIME!!”, in a real life situation *hypothetically a real life situation with zombies* you don’t know anything about the undead.  You will not know, without a few encounters, whether they see better at night or during the day, how strong their sense of smell is, their hearing radius or  if they are capable of running. All of these unknown variables makes it difficult to survive, let alone, go looking around for trouble. Zombies are deadliest in large numbers, if you go running up or even driving up and start firing, you’re going to attract more and more until you are overwhelmed. Also don’t go around in a fucking medieval suit of armor trying to kill zombies, BE SMART. Wear athletic style clothes that are somewhat tight fitting and make sure you are in shape. Play it safe and try not to be a dumbass.

8.) Weapons are key


Don’t be the douchebag wielding a home-made flame thrower. FLAME THROWERS ARE SHIT, they only make flaming zombies, and not in the cheery feminine sense. Your best bet is a blunt object that isn’t too heavy, but has a good weight to it. It needs to be close to 3ft long if not a little more. This will allow you to strike without the zombie being able to reach you. I know what all of you guys are thinking, “I’m going to rape them with a shotgun” but here’s the thing. The point is to survive. Don’t get me wrong the shotgun is a very vital tool but should be used last case scenario.  The best weapon is a silent one. Silenced firearms are pretty hard to come by, but bows, slings and crossbows are excellent in fighting zombies. You can take out isolated zombies or even small groups without attracting more. The only problem is that it is much more difficult to fire a bow or sling accurately(practice is needed). But as long as you have a short range weapon(These are most important weapons : blunt objects, machetes or practical swords, keyword PRACTICAL, no dragon hilts, I seriously recommend the blunt object though, you won’t have to deal with it getting stuck somehow in the zombie), a mid range weapon (shotgun, crossbow, pistol, etc.) and a good long range weapon (rifles and bows). Now on the subject of grenades.. Not many people living in domestic areas own hand grenades, but you can always make home-made ones. The point of a grenade is to send shrapnel flying through its blast radius. Whether it decommissions a zombie is just chance so, I’ll let you decide.

7.) Supply yourself!


After you have holed up in one of the approved locations above it’s time to ensure your survival. You need power, so a generator will definitely be beneficial. A source of clean water, whether you’re boiling it, catching rain, or if you just have a shit ton of bottled water it is the most important supply(yes, even more than TiVo). Food is next, stockpiling is the best way because it saves you from having to risk your neck just to acquire a can of beans. But if you are unable to secure a bountiful food source for whatever reasons then the next least dangerous way to obtain food is to grow/ hunt it. But this is very conditional depending on where you are. In that case you’re going to have to go out and collect it whenever you can. A first aid kit and radio are classic zombie movie necessities, as they would be in the real thing. Also be sure to have ammunition for your weapons at all times. Then there are flashlights and many other things that should be common sense, use your head and be practical.

6.) Create A Controlled Perimeter


Set up a line of defenses outside whatever structure you are inhabiting in order to deter zombie attacks or even just to delay them, to where you can escape or make other preparations in order to survive. You should have someway to be able to tell if your perimeter has been breached, because let’s face it you can’t keep watch all the time. Even if it’s as simple as lining your territory with coke bottles (if one or a few is knocked over then you know something is in your area). Get creative. Also strategically placed gas canisters, propane tanks, bear traps, large holes, and any other wonderful explosives around your yard could mean the difference between survival and death. BUT ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have an escape plan, if not more. You don’t want your back against a wall do you? WELL DO YOU? Alright, I’m sorry i didn’t to yell it’s just that i care about you and I don’t want to die a virgin…. WHAT? But seriously these tips could save your life.

5.) Know What To Do In Case Of Break In


If a zombie is able to make it past whatever barriers you have put in it’s way and gets into your (I don’t know, we’ll call it base? No, fort…Yea, fort) fort then you need to have a well thought out plan as well as a few tricks up your sleeve. Know where your weapons are, place them throughout the house strategically. Booby traps can also end up saving your life, what types of booby traps will depend on your materials available and the structure you are inhabiting. Just make sure that it works in your environment. And once again, you need multiple direct escape routes for this too. KNOW YOUR WAY OUT!

4.) Create A Routine


After you have secured your perimeter, the inside of your fort, and your supplies, you’re going to need something to pass the time (Assuming you’re alone, but even if you’re not this is important). Create a routine of daily chores to do around your fort. Whether it’s repairs, fortifications, cleaning your weapons/ making sure they work properly, tidying  up, interior design or whatever, you need to keep yourself occupied. If you sit around all day you’ll become restless and do something stupid, most likely. This will keep you occupied and sane, as well as alive. You need to know how everything is working in you fort. This is crucial…

3.) Stay Calm


The worst thing that you can do is lose your head during an encounter with the undead. If you are hyperventilating or violently shaking from fear or anxiety you might as well dig your own grave. A level head and steady hand will be of more use to you than any weapon you could acquire. You need to be able to follow set procedures for attacks, break-ins, etc. Run the drills over and over again until you could do it half asleep, this will help your chances of survival immensely. WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT GIVE UP. If you for even one second doubt yourself, it’s over. So keep your mind sharp, it’s the most important tool/ weapon to your survival.

2.) Emotional Ties: Break Them


This is the hardest thing to handle. If you have a loved one that is infected it is vital that you immediately dispose of them. It will hurt, bad. But if you want to survive this is what it takes. I’m not saying that you should say you think your little sister got bitten and use that as an excuse to shoot her, but if it is a legitimate threat then you must take care of it. I understand trying to save someone that you deeply care for, a family member or loved one, just know that it will most likely end up with the destruction of you both. *This is starting to get depressing.. Geez* Personally, I would try to save my loved one because i would rather die trying to get her than have her die helplessly. I get that. But if you want to survive you will have to cut your heart strings and focus on staying alive.

1.) Just Survive

Ash and Boomstick

I put this as number one because I don’t think many people understand this. Allow me to explain… In every zombie movie you see there’s always some type of objective. “We need to get here to be safe” But this isn’t the case. You will not be able to know where there are infected and where there are not. The best thing you can do is tough it out and survive. Zombies are just dead bodies reanimated, they will decompose or eventually run out of a food source and when this happens you will hopefully be alive. Don’t go out looking for trouble, loved ones, or safety, because you have to create it yourself. The only way that you will survive is to just survive.

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