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94 Video Games in 5 Words…Geek Poetry

When I had to study Haiku in college I didn’t really get it. I mean I didn’t understand the dynamics of it, or why it represented beauty. It seemed boring and a very inexcusable form of poetry. Like Picasso. I look at it and consider that someone with no talent who took his work and said, “No! it IS art….Just not a beautiful sculpture or portrait, its my interpretation….Yeah…That’s it!”

But this is something I can get behind!! Summing up a little under a hundred video games premises in 5 words. These are right on the mark! .For example.

Super Mario Bros.: Can’t jump over the flagpole.

And the rest is after the jump

Blast Corps: Dump truck on the moon.

Resident Evil 2: Zombies take over Midwestern town.

Resident Evil 3: Nemesis has no social skills.

God of War: Kill everything without wearing pants.

God of War II: Zeus is such a choad.

Mega Man: Guts Man beats Cut Man.

Street Fighter II: Ryu wins, but doesn’t care.

Castlevania: Dracula can’t take a hint.

REmake: Zombie shark’s gonna eat you.

Legend of Zelda: It’s dangerous to go alone!

Final Fantasy VII: Sephiroth kills Aerith; everybody cry.

Prince of Persia: Princess rescued within the hour.

Halo 3: Not another effing Flood level!

Pac-Man: Wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka.

Final Fantasy X: Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka Wakka.

Silent Hill: Skinless dog in the fog.

Silent Hill 2: Shiba Inu rules the world.

Zelda II: The Adventure of Link: What’s this side-scrolling shit?

Darkstalkers: Street Fighter, but with monsters.

Ghosts ‘n Goblins: Quit gettin’ naked around zombies!

Donkey Kong Country: Apes love insane barrel cannons.

Ratchet & Clank: Robot on my back, what?

Gears of War: Chainsaw bayonet never gums up.

Peter Jackson’s King Kong: The Official Game of the Movie: Kong dies at the end.

Doom: Why are the demons pink?

Doom 3: Put down flashlight to shoot.

Dig Dug: Pooka, Fygar meet pump, explode.

Jak and Daxter: Mouthy Ottsel never shuts up.

Goonies II: Ouch!! What do you do?

Metal Gear: I feel asleep!! Punch, punch.

Metal Gear Solid: Snake! What happened? Snake! SNAAAAAKE!

Dante’s Inferno: What the hell’s a “book?”

Final Fantasy XIII: Just a series of tubes.

Star Fox 64: Fox, do a barrel roll!

Rescue Rangers: That chipmunk’s got an apple!

Rumble Roses XX: Muddy wrestler girls look naked.

Alone in the Dark: Needs more pockets than this.

Farmville: Updates clog Facebook’s news feed.

BioShock: A man chooses; I obey.

Assassin’s Creed: Eavesdropping on conversations gets boring.

Grand Theft Auto IV: Quit calling me about TEETEES!

Conan: Hey, that’s not Arnold Schwarzenegger!

Brothers in Arms: The Road to Hill 30: Suddenly, covering fire is important.

Resident Evil 4: Dr. Salvador wants your head.

Professor Layton and the Curious Village: Robots know the best puzzles.

Dead Rising: Shut your stupid mouth, Otis.

Mass Effect: This Mako has amazing suspension.

Heavy Rain: Jason! Jaaason! JASON! Jason! Jaaason!

Jaws Unleashed: Torpedo in mouth; now what?

Dragon Warrior: How’d a Slime kill me?

Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja: Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja.

Xenogears: Giant robots must kill God.

Bayonetta: Evil angels are WHOA BOOBS!

Duke Nukem 3D: I tip; “Shake it, baby!”

Dragon Warrior: How’d a Slime kill me?

Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja: Bad Dudes vs Dragon Ninja.

Xenogears: Giant robots must kill God.

Bayonetta: Evil angels are WHOA BOOBS!

Duke Nukem 3D: I tip; “Shake it, baby!”

The Legend of Zelda: The Phantom Hourglass: Stylus for everything? Surprisingly fun.

Bomberman: Trapped in a corner. F**k.

Street Fighter: The Movie: Why is Guile Belgian again?

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed: Never trust a Sith Lord.

Condemned: FBI agent beats up hobos.

Tomb Raider: Find treasure, shoot monsters, grunt.

E.T.: Rectangular alien falls into holes.

God Hand: Glowing super arm spanks women.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day: Mom made a huge mistake.

Max Payne: Dead family means bullet time.

Portal: The cake is a lie

Prince of Persia: Warrior Within: Godsmack, brooding ruin charming franchise.

Pro Wrestling: A winner is Great Puma!

Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas: The one with the jetpack.

Sonic the Hedgehog 2: Why won’t Tails stay dead?

Bionic Commando (remake): The arm is his wife!

Left 4 Dead: What is that OH GOD

Half-Life: Nerd with crowbar smashes aliens.

BioShock 2: Underwater junkies hate drill hand.

Bejeweled: Red, green, yellow… five hours!?!?

Okami: Why didn’t you buy it?

Ducktales: We’re going to the moooooon!

Peggle: Ode to Joy; effing unicorn!

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2: What the hell just happened?

Plants vs Zombies: The best kind of gardening

Genji: Days of the Blade: Giant enemy crabs; massive damage!

Ms. Pac-man: God, I hate thin people

Fallout 3: Wait, the president’s a WHAT?

Gran Turisimo: You have to brake, moron.

Battletoads: Turbo Tunnel sure is fun!

Ninja Gaiden (NES): Hawks are deadlier that rockets.

Aero Fighters 2: Dolphin flies a fighter jet.

Twisted Metal: Your average LA drive-time commute.

Killer7: Awesome idea confined to rails.

Phoenix Wright: Anime lawyers pound tables; “OBJECTION!”

God Hand: Glowing super arm spanks women.

Conker’s Bad Fur Day: Mom made a huge mistake.

Max Payne: Dead family means bullet time.

Portal: The cake is a lie

Category: Videogames

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