Throughout history (and maybe even before), the human race has been infatuated with putting their likeness wherever the hell they could. From drawings in caves etched by Johnny Cro Magnum, to cereal boxes, and beyond… humans have plastered their visage all over everything. This in turn has sparked the imaginations and fantasies of boner-wielding males both young and old. Who hasn’t thought about nailing the Mona Lisa? How about Aunt Jemima? Where there are pictures/drawings/paintings/computer-rendered images of females, there are sure to be dudes willing to pay their weight in gold to bang them.  This list is a tribute to those guys (and hell, girls too) who lust after fictional or unattainable poon.

This list is about the top 10 video game females that should be left at “one night stand” status.  Read on… umm… reader and get your Kleenex and Vaseline ready…

10. Leona from The King of Fighters

This blue-haired bombshell certainly looks great but honestly… would you want to marry a trained killer? Not to mention every so often, she becomes bitchy, illogical, and really hard to deal with. No, I’m not talking about “woman week”… I’m talking about when the blood of the Orochi Clan, that pumps voraciously through her veins, begins to boil and drives her into a homicidal rage where she mows down everything in her path, hopefully my hawg included. Giggity.

9. Mileena from Mortal Kombat

Just look at this dame! Rockin’ bod, long sexy legs, an affinity for anti-samurai weaponry,  and she has a hot twin sister. SCORE! Hey babe, why don’t you take off that mask and give me some sug-ahhhhhhh what the hell is that?! Alright… I might have overlooked one key factor here: Her busted grille. But whatever, if you can look past her broked up teeth, you might just get the best gummer ever.  Just bag it and tag it, I say. Don’t forget to turn your phone off for a couple days after though. Any person looking for revenge against their own sibling probably isn’t family material.

8. Anna Williams from Tekken

What is up with fighting game chicks and wanting to kill their sisters? I don’t get it and luckily I don’t have to! This fine lady has a great taste in fashion and an insatiable desire to gobble up baby batter in anyway possible. She isn’t one to take home to mother or anything, but I’m sure your story of getting dominated and most likely humiliated in ridiculous manners would be one you would bore your grandkids with over and over. Assuming your “turkey basters” survived the encounter.

7.  Dixie Kong from Donkey Kong Country

… *cough*

6. That Broad from Silent Hill 3

You might be thinking that she is a nice, respectable girl. A “keeper” if you will, but I say otherwise. Think about all the shit she went through in her adventure. Running through decrepit occult shopping malls and duking it out with coat hanger monsters to condemned hospitals with homicidal nurses to (SPOILER) seeing the corpse of her father and having to deal with his murderer. This slampig is full of crazy emotional problems now and probably isn’t worth sticking around after you smash pissers with her.  A definite “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am!”

5. Rikku from Final Fantasy X and X-2

I know people would tap this five minutes ago if they had the chance and thats cool and all, but keep it to that: 5 minutes ago. This knock-kneed cock hangar is so annoying that she could probably could make The Thinker animate to life and backhand the shit out of her.  She is only fun to be around when she is forced to shut up with a throbbing tube steak and only then for the 2 minutes it would take for the aforementioned tube steak to be in there.

4. Chun Li from Street Fighter

They say that hips don’t lie or something and they are right. This town bicycle has hips and thighs for everybody and she isn’t afraid to share them with anyone that will glance in her general direction. Here we have another “OMG MY DAD IZ DED!!1” case. Apparently some douche-drinker named “Bison” (or Vega if you’re Japanese) killed him.  She also has this revenge complex because of it. She works night and day for international law enforcement or some shit and that isn’t good for a family or for your sexlife (which is what you really care about, c’mon). Nail, then set sail.

3. Mai Shiranui from The King of Fighters

A beautiful kunoichi, scantily clad in curtains she stole from somewhere in the Vatican. She has had many a men ask for her hand in marriage but all have been rejected. She has a specific dude in mind though. But because the object of her desire, some adopted blonde pusscake, doesn’t pay attention to her, thus allowing her to feel really insecure and sit on a few dongs. If you happen to own one of those dongs, make sure it doesn’t happen more than a couple times and don’t get attached. She is too into that Andy wussy and will always go for him over you no matter what so don’t even get involved. A real chew and screw… and then leave.

2. Tifa from Final Fantasy VII (and those other spin-offs)

This walking pair of milk cannons has it rough. She is on the run from a giant global conglomerate that she has been terrorizing with her friends and at the same time is pursuing a grey haired psychopathic mama’s boy that won’t hesitate to fuck up a giant worm/snake and flower saleswomen. If that isn’t crazy enough, she witnessed her hometown being burned to the ground and her loved ones murdered. So all of this plus having to deal with the poor mental state of her childhood friend/potential lovie dovie and his bullshit problems just create way more problems for her and do you really need to deal with all this shit? Didn’t think so. Hit that and then, as a wise man once said “… make like a banana and SHIT!” or something.

1. Mary Kate And Ashley from Mary Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue!

Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get a Clue! Screenshot

Hey! They technically are video game characters…

I mean come on, you would have to hit it and quit it with these gals in this game as I think they weren’t even 18 at the time.

Category: Featured, Videogames