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Top 5 Kids Shows That Should Be Rated R

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Ok, so as tiny nerdlings we all watched cartoons and going back and watching them over is definitely satisfying, BUT what if our favorite childhood shows had grown and matured with us. Let’s take a look at some of the possibilities these innocent childhood shows could have if we added a little mature content…

5.) Blues Clues

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This colorful, interactive show has entertained as well as helped younger kids develop comprehension skills. Now that I, for the most part, have such abilities I would like to see something a little more in depth. Now introducing Blues Clues: Homicide Edition. The premise of the show will remain the same, with a little twist. The audience will now start off with the sight of a horribly disfigured body. Steve will come out with Blue, who now resembles a rabid blue wolf, and brief the viewers of the evidence and leads. It’s a good idea. A show filled with intense, unlawful interrogations, drug addicts, mentally unstable criminal, David Caruso (just kidding, I fucking  hate that guy), and ofcourse MAIL TIME!!!! Except in this rendition it will be WARRANT TIME!!!

 

4.) Barney

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How can you have a show in which dinosaurs teach kids basic life skills?.. Seriously.. In Barney: The Psycopathic Dinosaur we don’t have to worry about pesky kids learning social skills. It would very similar to the Roman Colosseum. You put 6 kids in the arena with various weapons and armor and let Barney out. Except Barney will have an altered appearance… Standing at about 25 feet tall and possibly weighing a few tons, armed with razor sharp teeth and claws perfect for disembowlment, the possibilities would be endless. The sheer bloodshed and carnage would allow the audience some good wholesome fun for the whole family. And on special episodes Barney would would battle “friends”. BJ the fullgrown protoceratops known for his pure ruthlessness and strength would be quite an adversary, just as Baby Bop, the vicious triceratops known for her impaling skills, would be. Oh my, just think about it.

 

 

3.)  The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers

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This show has, for the longest time, fueled youngsters’ imaginations with a combination of martial arts and giant robots, and even leading my mother to replace a few pieces of furniture. Sorry mom… But, what if instead of sparks it was all gore? No longer will there be the gay falling down and colorful sparks flying everywhere. I’m talking intense blood splatter, and definitely more maniacal villains. Sure, Rangers would die, but that’s why there are so many youths in the world. Zordon’s got to get cannon fodder from somewhere. Oh, and the zord battles would be nothing short of EPIC. Picture the Megazord ripping whatever disgusting beast Zed could put against them limb from limb. It’s truly awe-inspiring.

 

 

2.) Pokemon

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This was my favorite show growing up, but it got super old after awhile. The introduction of the new pokemon kept it somewhat interesting, but it wasn’t enough. Perhaps if the show got a little spice (and I don’t mean a latin element), and once again I mean gore. Pikacho thunderbolting the shit out of  jigglypuff and jigglypuff’s skin just melts off her fried frame. Or Onyx rock smashing charmander and blood squirts all over the screen leaving a twitching red leg from under a boulder. There would be no fainting, just death. Yet again there are soo many pokemon, why not make them expendable? And Ash would be Daniel Day Lewis (with his epic moustache) not some whiny ass kid, but a hard ass trainer, similar to  Micky from Rocky.

 

 

1.) The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack…

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Now this is a newer show that may not be as notorious as the ones above, but it is by far the easiest out of all of them to turn into a sick and twisted television series (More so than it already is). If you haven’t seen the show then WATCH IT, Youtube that shit, you’ll be glad you did. The premise is already kind of creepy… A young boy raised by a talking whale, who also serves as his home, and a blue guy named Captain K’nuckles, a deadbeat and “syrup”oholic. He is in a constant search for adventure and candy. All that would be needed is to make this a live action show as well as a good budget, and viola; SUPER CREEPY. With prevelent candy addictions, men married to inanimate objects(Candy Wife) and a very creepy doctor/barber. This is a nightmare waiting to happen. There doesn’t need to be any gore at all and that is what makes this show sooo amazing. Oh and did I mention that Poseidon has a great white shark for a tongue? Well, he does. I think that about says it all…

Category: TV, WTF?

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