Math was hard for us communication majors; we HATE numbers. We sure as hell love numbers as names, though. Check out these nine characters whose mommies, directors and mad scientists christened them with names fit for an Uno deck.
Who’s the first character you think of when ruminating on numbers? If you’ve got any pulse at all, you’re likely already drooling for Number Six from “Battlestar Galactica.” I know, I know, not all of the Number Six Cylons are the blonde bombshell variety, but honestly, isn’t Tricia Helfer pretty much glued to the number in everyone’s brains? That’s probably why there are no straight-up Six clips on YouTube and only a bazillion lame homages to her, uh, persuasive tactics.
Please tell me you know about Short Circuit, you youngsters! It was a fabulous, sentimental wreck of a movie where a robot/AI thing comes to life, and people fall in love with it (see also D.A.R.Y.L.). The made-for-the-military robot gets infused by lightning, becomes sentient and calls himself Johnny 5, much to Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy’s delight. At the end, you’ll hear “Johnny 5 is alive!” Can’t make this stuff up, people.
You know who is a great number? Mr. James Bond himself, 007. Plus he works with letter people like M, so you know he’s cool. And I’m going to stop the debate before it even starts — I hereby put on record that Sean Connery is without a doubt THE James Bond. THE. Don’t try to tell me otherwise.
From the real James Bond to a James Bond parody, it’s only right that we head to the Austin Powers universe now. Number 2 was one of Dr. Evil’s henchmen and is notable for his calm, calculating demeanor and, of course, his eye patch (doesn’t every good henchman need one?). The clip below of Austin and Number 2 is an homage to James Bond’s introduction in Dr. No, and it’s great and all — but you know the best part of the movie really is when Austin is on the toilet asking Patty O’Brien “Who does Number 2 work for?” After all, like Wikipedia says, “His name is also a pun on the slang term for defecation.” Tee hee.
“But Allison, aren’t there any video game characters who have numbers for names?” Why yes, doinkus, there are. Do you remember arcade games? Actual stand-up ones that you played in a mall with your gang of BFFs? There was an arcade game that had the epically long name of Street Fighter III – 3rd Strike – Fight for the Future, and Twelve was a Powder-lookalike, shapeshifting character in that.
I’m going to be straight with you — I really know nothing about Thirteen from “House” because I don’t watch the show. A friend suggested her for this list because 1) she’s pretty, 2) she’s smart, 3) she’s pretty, 4) she’s pretty. And I guess she’s also kind of bisexual? I don’t know. Consider this your 15 minutes, Alex!
Ok, technically, this monstrosity has a name — Adam. But until the end of season four of “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” the wily Initiative scientists call the Big Bad “Project 314.” Why? Because 314 is the number of the lab Adam was created in.
I probably shouldn’t be a bitch and reiterate how much I hate Adam and how he’s the most boring Big Bad concept of the show’s entire run, right?
No, I’m not talking about Anne Hathaway’s version from the 2008 film Get Smart. This Agent 99 is the real deal from the original “Get Smart” tv show of the 60s. Paired with the bumbling Maxwell Smart (otherwise known as Agent 86), Agent 99 has plenty of opportunities to bail out the guy and save the day as they work their missions for a secret U.S. intelligence agency. Fun fact: Agent 99’s real name is never revealed! Ever!
I’m going to indulge my inner 14-year-old girl for a moment and add Six from “Blossom” to this list. Oh, shove it! You know you thought the fast-talking bubblehead was adorable! And as crazy as Blossom dresses on the show, Six can outdo her with pink leggings, a checkerboard sweater with green bows running up the side, mismatched Punky Brewster shoes and mile-high bangs. In the clip below, Blossom and Six are trying to solve a problem like Maria — rumor has it that Blossom got it on in the movie theatre! Gasp! The horror! Does sex qualify this as a “very special episode?”
But how did the character come to be called Six? I’ll let actress Jenna von Oy tell you herself.
If you’ve read this far, I’m going to give you a little present that will infect your head. Say “Six” to any St. Louis Cardinals fan, and I guarantee that they’ll say/sing “is a serious number.” You’re welcome, and I’m sorry.