Here’s the thing. Superman is unstoppable. I’m not building up to it, or beating around the bush at all, I am just balls out saying it. Superman: The Movie was on the other day and I came to a realization, that besides the fact that the theme song at the end moves me to tears for some strange reason, this guy f***s shit up. Also it got me thinking. Is there anyone whose ass Superman can’t kick? So I compiled a top 10 list to help me think more clearly.. Here we go, the Man of Steel..The Mastodon of Krypton, takes on all adversaries.
Please note this is by no means a definitive list. Just the views and opinions of one guy. I invite you to share your own thoughts and opinions on each and everyone one of these scenarios.
Superman Vs. Batman– I don’t care what anyone says. Let’s throw that Kryptonite argument out the window and let them go man to man. Batman is just a guy, human- bones, skin and suit. Superman would obliterate him. Bat-a-rangs would be bouncing off his chest, and if Superman ALLOWED Batman to hit him, he would wind up in physical therapy for three months with a broken hand. First of all, what *censored* is scary about a bat? It’s a mouse with wings. Let Batman fight the Punisher, that is more of a fair fight. Superman wins Round 1, Kills Batman with his bare hands.
Superman Vs. Wolverine– It’s a tough one. Can Wolverine’s claws penetrate anything? Even the man of steel? It’s definitely suspect. Plus, with Wolverine’s regenerative properties, Superman would have a tough time bringing him down. And in most circles Superman is like the tooth fairy next to Woverine, so how does it roll? Superman wins round 1, knock him out of the earths atmosphere.
Superman Vs. Predator– Cool gadgets aside, the same rules apply to this argument as they do Batman. Predator can turn invisible, but Superman can see through almost any material; also he could pretty much crush Pred’s spaceship with a bitch slap. Predator has the ugly factor but Superman did kiss Margot Kidder so that’s a stalemate. Superman wins Round 2, with a window-shattering face punch, hand exits back of head.
Superman Vs. Swampthing- Superman smokes his ass. Superman wins Round 1, rolls up swampthing and literally smokes his weed-looking ass like a big joint.
Superman Vs. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles- While I’m sure their group dynamic works againts petty thugs and The Shredder, not to mention a talking scrotum (Krang), they don’t got shit on Kal-El. First of all, their ancient weaponry would splinter on his frame and secondly? They’re fucking turtles!! Come on, if Batman can’t stop him, the TURTLETEENS can’t either. I don’t make the rules here people! Superman wins Round 1, De-Shells the gang on the half shell, and breaks Splinters neck for good measure.
Superman Vs. The Incredible Hulk- Good fight. Hulk gets in a couple slams and punches but his size ends up being his undoing. His hulking mass slows him down. Superman wins Round 1, throws Hulk into the sun.
Superman Vs, Spiderman- Here we go, an opponent who actually has the strengths of his namesake (does whatever a spider can). Spiderman has much more witty banter and better looking women. But who wouldn’t love to see Christopher Reeves beat the shit out of Tobey Maguire? Spiderman binds him up real nicely with his webbing, bit nothing holds down Superman, and while Spidey’s intuition and keen reflexes save him a few times, he loses. Superman wins Round 1, rips all of Spidey’s limbs off, dresses him up like a woman, face fucks aunt May, and makes him watch.
Superman Vs. The Fantastic Four- Super weak abilities, these clowns are all over the place. The thing proves to be the only one worth his while. Superman wins Round 1, beats them all to death with Mr. Fantastic… Crushes The Thing to rubble, with a few well placed double axe handles.
Superman Vs. Blade- Blade is the only gangsta superhero worthy to fight Supe. After he snaps the little katana blade in half, Blade meekly attempts to fight hand to hand. Superman wins Round 1, rips Blade into two with his bare hands. Then beats his still breathing upper toros with both legs bloody.
Superman Vs. Blankman- Damon Wayans cheats by making the audience think he is a superhero. Superman Forfeits out of sheer disgust.
BONUS 11TH ROUND!!!
Superman Vs. Yoda- Here is the battle royal to echo through the ages! Yoda’s diminutive stature fools no one as he flies into battle in a frenzy of tiny hands and feet. Superman is too fast for Yoda’s whirring lightsabre, and when he finally unleashes the heat vision, Yoda deflects it with his deadly sidearm (lightsabre of course). Superman cannot muscle his way, however, through the FORCE!! And is locked in place with a force choke. Superman loses round 2- Yoda filets him with his lightsabre and hobbles off the field of victory to be remembered throughout history as the ONE who took out Superman.