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A Nerd Bastards Review of Jonah Hex

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Sweet baby Jesus and the Orphans…That’s not a good thing to begin. This movie has been Hexed (Pun intended, DERP!!) since inception with all its preproduction issues, and we all will suffer for it.

Jonah Hex, based on the anti hero DC comic characther, created by John Albano, is one of those films that draws in the ignorant with cool commercials and than the theater workers chain lock the doors once your inside. To say that if this film makes a ton of cash this weekend it would be because those drawn in (like myself) didn’t know any better.

Set in post Civil War America, “Jonah Hex” is milquetoast story of betrayal that gallops through D.C., the Deep South and the West. The  battle between good and evil pits a “Just let it go already” Confederate colonel named Quentin Turnbull (John Malkovich) against a vengeance-hungry Jonah (A cool makeup’d Josh Brolin). Brolin growls in a low toned whisper like a bad Clint Eastwood impression, but brings with it the new found charisma Brolin has developed since becoming an adult and being “Brand” in Goonies. At stake is vengeance against Turnbull for the murder of his entire family as well as the future of new united states sits in the hand of a madman with a 19th century mini nuclear bomb launcher (no joking).

There is a lot of plot holes in this film because honestly, they do things without explanation, as if the audience is supposed to know ahead of time. Most comic book movies hold a run time close to or surpassing 2 hours in length, trying to cram as much mythos of the character and his life as they can into the intro. This movie lacks that much needed element. Hex, running at an hour and twenty minutes doesn’t just leave much to be desired, it feels like the movie will NEVER end. An upside to this is Meghan Fox fighting in a corset, with an ever perspiring cleavage, but as soon as she opens her mouth, her southern accent is like Borat pretending he is a southerner…Suffice it to say, she didn’t get an accent coach.

This movie felt more like a serious Wild Wild West without Will Smith. Director Jimmy Hayward tries to be Michael Bay, ya know, blowing everything up with all it’s silly gadgetry and straight up dumb innovations, but comes up short. Gatling guns attached on each side of a horse, dynamite pistol crossbows, and a battleship thats en route to blow up DC with a Gatling cannon stuffed full of an unexplainable type of explosive shell that (Also no joke) is the catalyst for why the 4th of July uses fireworks.

I can make excuses for most bad movies. I’m great at finding even a little ray of sunshine in otherwise bleak, hot messes like Jonah Hex. But alas, even a fun summer popcorn blast like Hex falls short to already big hits without huge special effects like The Karate Kid. Not only would I not recommend Hex, I would tell you to run away screaming from it. It does nothing for the senses, except to trigger the part of your brain that makes you drowsy and fall asleep, no drugs required.

1 out 5

Category: Featured, Film, reviews

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