Because he’s the hero that Columbia deserves, but not the one it needs right now…and so we’ll hunt him…because he can take it…because he’s not a hero…he’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector…The Viper.
Who is the Viper?
Well, Columbia, Tennessee’s very own, real life Kick-Ass. The Viper, a 20-year-old masked man, (real life identity unknown) who patrols the town square carrying batons and ninja stars (awesome).
“Just a guy trying to do what is right.. in tights!” the Viper said to the local paper. A fair and admirable statement, but it appears The Viper (kinda lame super hero name circa 1990 comics, don’t you think?)hasn’t quite done anything heroic yet (at least reportedly) Unless, of course you consider wandering around town defying the local “no masks’ ordinance law to be heroic, then sure, he’s a fucking saint. The cops arn’t to pleased about this self-appointed do-gooder. They are soooo like “Stop fooling around, and get off my lawn” and The Viper is soooo “This is the most attention I’ve got in my whole life, I may actually get to kiss a girl because of this, so no” (I may have made that part up). Cops don’t like it but what do the towns people think? Citizens are curious. Columbia bike shop owner A.C. Howell is warily optimistic about The Viper’s potential as an agent of justice:
The Viper, I believe. Isn’t he the Masked Viper? […] I don’t know. He needs something to do. Probably needs a job. I hope he’s looking out for my benefit. I hope he’s guarding my store […] I welcome him to Columbia. I hope he does some good.
We at nerdbastards salute you Viper (bro, you really gotta change that name. You sound like a character in a gay porn). We dig your threads and support your pursuit of justice, peace and incest (You Tennesee folks and your inbreeding. What a wacky bunch you are). Just be careful and don’t get yourself killed.