(this weeks top 10 is brought to you by nerdbastards supporter and comic book fan Nick Bungay)
A father is someone your supposed to learn from. They’re the ones who teach you how to act right, shave and take you to the occasional R-rated movie. Now, try having a father with super powers. This turns him from a symbol that’s right with the world to the one you wish would just hi every now and then. Comics-books are filled with so many of these figures it makes Bobby Brown look like a saint. Let’s all stare with disgust at the 10 worst super hero fathers.
Adam Strange– DC Comics
Being the offspring of an archaeologist would be awesome (free traveling), unless your dad was Adam Strange. The man gets his own period every 90 days in the form of getting transported to the planet Rann to defend it. So forget any real quality time with this interstellar asshole. Having an independently wealthy father is one thing, not getting to really know your father is another. If he’s not saving planet Rann from some invading force, he’ll be in some remote part of the world on another dig. Might as well cancel the camping trip now and pitch your tent in the backyard (ewww).
Batman– DC Comics
Another one of those wealthy super hero types, the master detective and scientist is the perfect deadbeat dad. When the dark knight isn’t roaming Gotham city fighting the likes of the Joker or Poison Ivy (sweet bush), he’s at another engagement wining and dining as Bruce Wayne. He already has an illegitimate son in Damian and has gone through more boy wonders then a catholic priest (the female Robin was a joke anyway). With a father who is currently traveling through the passage of time itself you won’t get that birthday present anytime soon. Batman is definitely not father of the year material.
Scott Summers– The X-Men Marvel Comics
Prized student to one Charles Xavier, you’d think Scott Summers would be perfect father material. Father to multiple children with two failed marriages (as both women either died or went evil) and being involved in a telepathic affair with Emma Frost doesn’t really paint the perfect family portrait. Always focused on a dead love or his mission, Scott could never really focus on spending any real quality time with his children. With a power only controlled by wearing a pair of special sunglasses, Scott is not the father you want to utter “Look me in the eyes and say that again.” The best bet is just to go to your room.
The Original Killer– ‘Wanted’ Top Cow Comics
Having a father that could kill anyone at anytime and look like Tommy Lee Jones would be a pretty momentous experience. If your father was the Original Killer, however, he’d leave you to be raised a pussy your whole life. Trained a various forms of combat but can’t spend an hour tossing the pigskin around. Capable of assassinating a person from the next city over, yet he can’t send you a damn birthday present every other year. World class prick.
Omni-Man– ‘Invincible’ Image Comics
It’s pretty bad to be known as the child of a failed author. It’s worse when you come to learn powers you gained are from him and that those ‘stories’ are actual conquests of distant planets. When you have to defend the planet from a man with, flight, super strength and a moustache that puts Jean Shalits to shame, it get to be a trying task. When you have to live in the same house with the man it gets downright dangerous. Do you want a father that really can beat you within an inch of your life? No, didn’t think so.
Lobo– DC Comics
Lobo is the kind of person every day people wished they could be: a lean, mean, ass kicking machine. Too bad he drinks like a fish and smokes more a day then George Burns did his whole life. Last of his kind, he sired a number of bastard children only to kill every last one of them years later. You really don’t want someone with a love of dolphins kicking your soul into his boots do you? (yes, he loves dolphins, who knew?) If you ever found out Lobo was your papi, the best bet is to find the farthest planet in your universe and hide there.
Trigon– ‘New Teen Titans’ DC Comics
Sadistic, cruel, a demon from an inter-dimensional world and that’s before he even had his own cult. Having a father that’s been involved in more one night stands then a college senior already kills chances of him settling down. with a child for every sin (let’s call him stud) you only ever need to read a bible to see where your half-brothers and sisters are. Shame he’s able to shape-shift into anyone he wants, so you’ll never really “know” your father. You can’t even try tricking him into what you want, he’s a telepath and knows how to shut you right up. Trying to control the universe one planet at a time some call him a monster you call him dad.
Norman Osborn– ‘Amazing Spiderman’ Marvel Comics
A father who’s mind has been twisted more than a roller coaster and ideals that put Kim Jong-il in his place (that’s before he even took his Green Goblin juice). Having an allowance from this man means you have to sign twenty different contracts each week. Willing to use anyone to get ahead, family and “friends” included, he’s as dangerous as then can be. Fathering twins with Gwen Stacy, later killing her and telling the twins it was all Spider-Man’s fault. You never want to tell him you did anything bad, he won’t take anything better than first place. While the Green Goblin is dangerous, Norman is down right deadly.
Brian Banner– ‘The Incredible Hulk’ Marvel Comics
Brian Banner was as bad as then come. While having no powers he was still a notorious threat in life and death. The abusive, alcoholic father of Bruce Banner (aka The Hulk), he killed his own wife and still received a get out of jail free card. Even from beyond the grave this deadbeat dad managed to frighten the Incredible Hulk on occasion. This man had his own super power, being an incredible dick to his child and wife.
Lex Luthor– ‘Superman’ DC Comics
At the top of the fatherly asshole ladder is it’s king (sweet crown too). Alexander Joseph Luthor has been many things in his universe. He’s been a businessman, scientist, and even the president of the United State! Yet, he’s never been the definition of “father”. In jail more times than any small time criminal, he’ll give new meaning to the father son get together. With a wrap sheet larger than Fat Albert, Lex practically wrote the book on how to become a bad father. He’ll even kill you if it means getting closer to killing Supermam. Criminal, president, father. Congratulations Lex, hope this adds another notch to your belt of bad parenting.
There you go ladies and gentlement, 10 miserable bastards. Be thankful that your father doesn;t have any superpowers, the most he can do is send you to your room.
Special thanks to Dave Howlett (http://twitter.com/davehowlett) of Strange Adventures in Halifax, Nova Scotia for the idea to use Adam Strange and Brian Banner. Also to Luke Gallagher for letting me take the reins on the top 10 this week. It was a fucking blast to write this, highly enjoyable and I’d gladly do this again any day. Enjoy the week.