(Retro movie review is a bi-weekly feature by guest writer Delilah Dawson. D. takes a look back at some of our generations best nerdiest movies and makes us appreciate them all over again.)
What could possibly follow up Labyrinth besides another fantastical fantasy from the 1980’s so twisted and bizarre that it could never be made today without Tom Cruise and a bunch of 3D?
Well, it actually has one of those things.
Our dear pal Tom was just a baby then. It was a year before Top Gun came out, and he grew his hair out, put on a dress made out of pennies, and spent most of the movie looking pretty and confused. But he got his wish.
Okay, maybe he looked a little girlie. Or a lot girlie. But eventually, he married Nicole Kidman and made a bajillion-zillion dollars.
Anyway, he played a Forest Child named Jack, who basically ran around the forest barely clothed and was probably raised by a deer and a bear or something. He was really twitchy. And he fell in love with this gorgeous, nubile princess named Lili.
C’mon, kids. There’s more to life than just being really ridiculously good-looking.
They spend a lot of time waltzing around the forest, doing nothing.
Fa la la.
ANYWAY, to show her his love, he introduces her to the unicorns. Because if there’s one thing that a spoiled little brat needs, it’s to get within touching distance of the magical unicorns whose life force keeps the whole forest alive.
Coincidentally, a demon called The Lord of Darkness has sent some evil minions to kill the unicorns and bring back some unicorn horn.
Yeah, that’s not an innuendo or anything.
But Darkness is pretty much the coolest thing in a pretty cool movie.
Those horns weighed, like, forty pounds.
And he was eight feet tall. With four arms of terror!!
No, wait. That was Goro from Mortal Kombat.
His minions were creepy, too.
Okay, so that’s not actually Blix. That’s something else from the movie. But it scared me, and it does look a lot like him/her/himmer.
This is the real Blix, who was modeled after Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones.
So then Darkness stole Lili and took her to hell and turned her evil and tried to seduce her, which was awesome. It made me realize at a very young age that being good and sweet and fancy was boring. I was like, “STAY WITH TIM CURRY, GIRLY! JACK IS A MAJOR WUSS!”
And I was only 8 at the time.
Dark Lili says:
And then Jack goes to find friends! To fight evil! On a journey!
His friends were a veritable Super Friends of the forest.
Like the Gump.
Don’t let his short stature and general resemblance to Brian Molko fool you. The Gump was a bad-ass.
These guys? Not so much.
Together with Jack, they all did… something.
And then they fought the demon of Darkness… somehow.
I usually fall asleep during that part.
But it always ends in the whole Happily Ever After way that everything does in the 80’s. Lloyd Dobbler gets the curly-haired girl, and the bad guy is banished to another dimension in a piece of glass, and then Tangerine Dream does the end credits.