( We here at NerdBastards don’t frequently print up other peoples great work from other sites. But this was too good to be viewed by only me.Written by Sephira at Uproxx.com Sephira, We At NerdBastards Speak Your Name)
It’s a question that has plagued mankind since literally the dawn of time. Are the boobs of Christina Hendricks, renowned actress of Mad Men and Firefly fame, the same ones that Nature gave her? Or have they been enhanced? And will we ever know for sure?
Today, we are prepared to settle the debate once and for all. Here are four scientific reasons for why we think Hendricks’ breasts are, indeed, the real thing.
One of the main arguments for Ms. Hendricks’ rack being surgically enhanced is the way it looks in pictures such as this:
Now, any person with a decent knowledge of boobies will be aware that fake breasts generally inhabit a higher position on a woman’s chest, and also show a more definite upper ‘outline’ between boob and non-boob:
So it could be said that in this picture, Ms. Hendricks’ breasts more resemble the enhanced version on the left. However, this doesn’t take into account the push-up bra, which with the help of shaped padding or even liquid, can push even an ‘A’ or ‘B’ cup size into this sort of ‘unnatural’ cleavage:
In other words, in this picture Ms. Hendricks has possibly chosen simply to enhance her already glorious feminine endowments, rather than to attempt to stow away or flatten them. Indeed, several pictures in which she is not wearing such constrictive clothing show her breasts sitting low on her chest, as natural breasts are wont to do, and without a definite ‘outline’ around the breast.
Also take note of the softer appearance: Christina’s boobs seem to be made of what natural boobs are made of: pliable, squishy fat, and not saline liquid or silicone:
2. A Cornucopia of Boob Sizes
One of the most fascinating things about Ms. Hendricks’ magnificent figure is the way her breast size seems to vary from picture to picture, like the waxing and waning of the moon, or the steady changing of the seasons. A change in a woman’s natural breast size can be explained by weight gain or loss: since breasts are made of fat, often the size of natural breasts is the first thing to decrease when a woman loses weight, and the first thing to increase if the weight comes back.
Another important possible factor at work is the fact that a woman’s breast size can change over her monthly cycle – sometimes increasing by a full cup size. This is due to both water retention and fluctuations in the female hormones progesterone and prolactin – similar to why a woman’s breast size often increases dramatically when she is pregnant. Like weight loss or gain, this would not apply as extensively to breast implants, as the majority of the breast would not be affected by these hormones.
3. The Underwear Factor
We have already mentioned the important role of the push-up bra in the changing look of Ms. Hendrick’s chest. Now we will explore another role of feminine undergarments as we attempt to answer the question – if Christina’s boobs are natural, why do they seem so out of proportion to the rest her body, especially her small waist? Of course, a disproportionately large rack is not an unusual sight in our culture (being found on most underwear models, for example) but this is almost always as a result of surgical enhancement. How often does this kind of thing occur naturally?
The answer is simple: these days, Christina Hendricks is most well-known for her role in Mad Men, in which she is often seen in outfits like this:
How could we possibly explain such a shape? Well, not to put too fine a point on it, it’s probably all down to the girdle:
The girdle, the standard body-shaping garment for American women up until the late 1960’s, allows for this sort of shape. The particular kind of girdle that would be worn as period costume on the Mad Men set works by flattening the stomach, drawing in the waist and, if a full-body piece or 50’s style bra is worn, by sharply lifting the breasts (although the following before-and-after picture kind of looks like they’re using different models, so the effects probably aren’t quite so dramatic):
Girdles are far less common in today’s culture than in the Mad Men days. Today, they’re usually called ‘shapewear’ or ‘control garments’ and tend to concentrate more on flattening curves than on drastically reshaping the figure. This makes the sight of a figure like Ms. Hendricks’ quite striking to modern eyes. Of course for many women, the reduction in waist size doesn’t always make up for the discomfort involved in wearing these undergarments. But if you’re in an acting gig and getting paid for it, why not?
But the final, and strongest, argument for the non-implantedness of Ms. Hendricks’ breasts does not rely solely on historical evidence or on purely biological factors. Rather, it relies simply on the acknowledgement of their surpassing loveliness. It is true that mankind has created many things of great beauty – the Sistine Chapel, the hanging gardens of Babylon, the masterpieces of Leonardo da Vinci. But can any of these works of human hands compare to the sublime beauty of a sunset, of a clear night sky, of a field full of gently blooming flowers? Can any of these compare in majesty to the sight of the vast untamed ocean, or the spectacular view of a great mountain range? No, they cannot, which leads us to summarize that something as magnificent as Christina Hendricks’ figure could only have been created by God himself.
No surgeon on Earth could have achieved something so wondrous. Heroic doctors who save wounded soldiers and repair orphaned babies’ hearts in their spare time would uniformly take off their hats (let’s assume they are wearing special doctor hats) in respect for anyone who performed such a feat. Nobel Prize winners would faint in awe.
A doctor that could achieve such greatness would be the richest and most celebrated man on earth, living on an estate on a private island made of gold, his empire powered only by the burning of his daily megatons of fan mail. No such man exists in the world, and for that, maybe we should be grateful. It is the very rarity of Christina Hendricks’ perfect breasts that lends them their true, awesome splendor.
Here’s to you, Ms. Hendricks.