Man Uses Lightsaber as Junk Tissue, Gets Arrested

lightsaber_candy copy(Post by nerdbastards contributor Nick Bungay- Twitter @NickBungay)
WARNING: If you’re easily disturbed by bodily fluids and George Lucas creations not being used for what they should be, avoid this page now. Your mother will thank you later. This not for young minds; you should be playing Halo right now.
Trying solving this equation, it’s not that hard. What do you get when you take:
  • One male
  • Walmart’s toy aisle
  • An issue of Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition
  • Said male masturbating to completion in said aisle
The Answer? William Tyler Black (He’s over 21, we can say his name).
The 28-year old substitute teacher from Florida was arrested yesterday afternoon by the Sarasota police on charges of battery and exposure of his naughty bits. This was according to a probable cause affidavit, seen here. Now, what makes a grown man walk into a department store, grab a magazine, and “channel the force”? Well, we sure as shit don’t know why, but thanks to a store employee, we do what happened. The employee explained to the police that Mr.Black (wait for it) “ejaculated onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy along with rubbing his foot in the suspected semen on the floor. Shortly afterward he discarded the now shocked magazine (nightmares forever) “behind some toys and proceeded to leave the store.”
What was this toy in question that Black sullied? It was none other than a ‘Star Wars’ Lightsaber. A weapon used by so many children to become what they loved, at least before Episode II came out. The magazine was the latest SI swimsuit issue with model Brooklyn Decker; her previous work is seen here, along with a horse. How did this man ever think he could get away with the biggest fail since ‘Rise of the Silver Surfer’? You think the least he’d do is purchase what he played with. The biggest piece of this fail pie was the fact that after this pervert got caught, he claimed he was “looking for a present for his daughter.”
Get the frak outta here! One, you’re in the boys’ toy aisle, and two, were you using your Lightsaber as a divining rod to find your “daughter’s” perfect toy. Buddy, you deserve whatever sentence you get for hitting up the dark side of the force. He could have said “I was looking for that rubber snake in my pants” and that wouldn’t have been half as bad as using the daughter excuse. Let’s just mail him and his little “apprentice” to a deserted island and let him bang his coconuts till they fight back and kill him. Bad enough you’re a substitute teacher, pal, but this little stunt you pulled just made me hate you even more. If you ever see this man, point, laugh, and make fun his “low prices.”
Via: Topless Robot

Category: WTF?