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(Post by nerdbastards fan and #1 commenter Mark Poynter, a.k.a Mordrun)

Admit it, go ahead now, take that first step. Admitting it feels good. Now say it out loud. Let it roll softly off your tongue as your whisper it to the world.

“I am a Nerd Bastard!”


Yeah, that’s nice, kinda makes your tear up a little doesn’t it? You’ve take an important step in your mental well being. No one should live life with a part of themselves locked up tight in their grandmother’s basement. It’s time to not just accept the Nerd Bastard in yourself, but to revel in all your Nerd Bastard glory.

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1. If you don’t have a favorite between Star Trek and Star Wars, blast your card into atoms. You can like them both, but come on, you know you like one better. Draw your light saber or arm photon torpedoes and stand up for your position. If you can’t make up your own mind on which is your favorite you’re just a scruffy Nerd herder in a red shirt waiting to hear, “He’s dead Jim”

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2. If you don’t know, and are unable to quote one line from Monty Python’s Holy Grail, turn your card into a newt. Sorry, this one lets you right out. “I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.”

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3. Own at-least one action figure that is still min in the box. On the other hand if you only own action figures mint in the box, your card will be taken out of the plastic holder you put it into and ripped up. Really, who doesn’t want to make laser shooting sounds, play out death scenes, imagine Batman beating up your boss, and staging mock battles between Cobra, Darth Vader, and Superman versus the troll dolls on your co-workers desk?

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4. Rule number 4. There is no rule number 4. If you don’t know where that comes from Bruce, (You don’t mind me calling you Bruce do you? Right, that makes things simpler). Refer to number two and turn in your Nerd Bastard card and report to the Ministry of Silly Walks for your indoctrination course.

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5. If you don’t have an opinion on fast Zombies vs. slow Zombies, and/or dumb Zombies vs. smart/learning Zombies, chew up your card. Most like your just fresh meat for the Zombie hoard, or entertainment for the marauding pack of bikers just down the road.

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6. If you can’t leave a perfectly innocuous comment laced with sarcasm or “snarkiness” flush your card. You may be a Nerd, but you’re not a Nerd Bastard. Tongue in cheek (You choose which cheek type) is a foundational trait of the typical Nerd Bastard.

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7. If you have never played a board game not made by Milton Bradley, please go directly to jail and cut up your card. Do not pass Go, do not collect two hundred dollars. You’ve missed a critical part of developing your Nerd Bastard knowledge base. D&D, Settlers of Catan, Talisman, Diplomacy, Car Wars, Magic the Gathering, and many other will hone your wit to rapier like sharpness.

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8. If you have never owned more than one type of console gaming system at the same time, draw a red ring of death around your card. You can include roommates, or relative systems as long as they were in the same house, as the same time. A desktop computer and a Playstation counts as long as you play real computer games on the desktop. Minesweeper, Solitaire, and Internet Backgammon are not real computer gamers, we’re talking Civilization, Doom, Fallout, and World of Warcraft type games.

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9. If you don’t know at least one cartoon or Anime theme song, call ACME and order item # 573-9274-28163A, the card destroying robot. Marvin the Martian, Brock Samson, Goku, or Speed Racer, there has to be one cartoon that sparked some Nerd cord somewhere deep inside your heart. Your cold, cold, Nerdbastard heart.

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10. Number ten is blank, not because there isn’t a number ten, but because it’s time for all your Nerd Bastards out there to earn your keep and add number ten in the comment section below! Do it! Do it now!


Category: Featured

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