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The Greatest Fictional Sergeants

(Post by nerdbastards fan and #1 commenter Mark Poynter, a.k.a Mordrun)

FALL IN YOU MAGGOTS!

If your looking around for other bastards, then you can’t overlook the quintessential bastard that is a Sergeant. Anyone who has served in the military had a Sergeant that they love or hate with equal passion. Grudging respect seems to be what one hears most when listening to stories about sergeants. So who are the best of the fictional Sergeants out there?

Read this article! Come on you Nerd Bastards, Do you want to live forever!?!

Sergeant Schultz

“I see nothing! I know nothing!” That famous line of Shultz’s probably didn’t do him much good at the Nuremberg trials. Everyone thinks this guy is a bumbling, lovable, and clueless man that couldn’t hurt a flea. It’s just a facade hiding a cunning weasel willing to play both sides for all their worth. Either forcing poor Corporal Lebeau to cook him strudel, or handing him his rifle and chancing that Corporal Lebeau doesn’t get shot by other Nazi guards, Shultz is ready to sell out either side to the other to satisfy his pleasures.

Sergeant Nick Fury

Before he became a super spy, lost an eye, and got ret-conned in the movies into an ultra cool bald black dude, he was the howling-est Sargent in World War II. This guy chewed more cigars, killed more Nazis, and had more shirts ripped off him in battle before nine A.M. than most comic book sergeants did all day. Fury fought just about everywhere with just about everyone, in issue number four of Sgt. Fury and his Howling Commandoes Fury fought next to Captain America.

Sergeant Hatred

What evil, villain, soldier theme would be complete without a flying tank and squads of infantrymen? Sargent Hatred (Yes the Tattoo goes all the way down his body to spell hatred.) Started out as an Arch villain in the Guild of Calamitous Intent. Sargent Hatred soon found himself changing sides and replacing Brock Samson as the bodyguard and protector of Doctor Rusty Venture and his young sons Dean and Hank. Sargent Hatred is one messed up individual that will grow on you. If you aren’t watching The Venture Brothers then start now!

Sergeant Hartman

For those few that have not seen Full Metal Jacket, “What are you MAGGOTS waiting for!?! Get Full Metal Jacket on your Netflix and watch it now!” R. Lee Ermey portrayed the quintessential Sargent Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. Sargent Hartman proves that when tearing down and rebuilding recruits into killing machines one should never lose sight of how far one pushes. He is brutal, crass, and if real would have saved more soldier’s lives that saw combat by preparing them than someone who didn’t push them to their limits. Looking for a Sargent Hartman quote that was not too filthy or offensive but still captured his character was tough. While inspecting the latrine being cleaned by his recruits Sargent Hartman said, “I want that head so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump.” Ermey went on to parody his famous role from Full Metal Jacket as a ghost in the film The Frighteners.

Sergeant B.A. Baracus

To be a member of the A Team you have to be the best. Bad Attitude Baracus did everything bold and over the top. One gold chain won’t do it, one growl an episode won’t do it either. B.A. was a bastard to the bad guys and feared nothing but flying, not to worry though. The other A Team members had way to many tricks to drug and drag B.A. onto the plane. These guys could shoot the gun right out of a bad guys hands and blow up whole buildings without hurting a single person. That is expertise.

Sgt. Rock and Easy Company

Sergeant Rock

D.C. Comics Sargent Rock is a classic war comic sergeant. Joe Kubert could really draw and you’ll get goose bumps enjoying his work. Sargent Rock was a powerhouse, the guy would get shot, knifed, punched, and kissed all in the same issue. He was the original ripped and tattered shirt soldier. If you can find an issue where Sargent Rock didn’t end up in a ripped and tattered shirt then you should win a prize. Sargent Rock was the “War is Hell” sergeant that showed the hardships faced by those that fought in the European theater during World War II. Check him out, you won’t be disappointed.

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Sergeant Slaughter

If you know anything about Wrestling in the 1980’s then you know Sargent Slaughter brought it when he entered the ring. This guy was so popular that HASBRO made him a G.I. JOE, putting him into the cartoon, the comics, and made Sargent Slaughter action figures. Which of us doesn’t wish they could say the same? Wrestling is entertainment and Sargent Slaughter knew how to entertain. But as big a bastard as he could be in the ring sometimes, Sargent Slaughter still does many appearances and work for charities across the country, forming The Sargent Slaughter Youth Foundation which supports many children’s charities. The guys a sweetheart outside the ring.

SargentMajor

Sergeant Major “Walking up and down the Square”

This Sargent is one hard bastard with a heart of gold. He’s everything you think about when thinking about a Sargent Major. He’s loud, brash, right in your face, and ready to jump right down your throat if you mess up. He cares about his men so much he’s willing to let them shirk training. It’s a great scene from Monty Pythons Meaning of Life movie.

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Sergeant Hakeswill

Sargent Hakeswill is a right bastard. If being an English foot soldier in the 1800’s wasn’t bad enough, Hakeswill gets his jollies stealing, beating, blackmailing, and framing his own troops while pandering to the whims and vanity of the less experienced officers. Outwardly he is meticulous in his military duties and fawning towards officers, who find him very useful for keeping order among their soldiers. Protected by those officers Hakeswill is free to terrorize the soldiers under his command, forcing them to bribe him to avoid floggings for imaginary infractions, forcing their wives to have sex with him to protect their husbands. Bastard enough for you? Caught and hung for rape at the age of twelve Hakeswill managed to stay alive long enough for his uncle to cut him down from the gallows. Check out Hakeswill in Bernard Cromwell’s Shapre’s Rifles series.

Category: Featured, Film

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