The Nerdbastards Christmas List- The Stuff You Want, The Things You Need and Everything You Can’t Have
Twas the morning of Christmas and all through the house,
Shredded wrapping paper, lay, like a ripped teenage prom, blouse,
The stockings were plundered, the treats were laid bare,
Santa’s half eaten cookies and milk, sat just over there,
The children were worn out, as still as the dead,
While visions of next Christmas, danced in their heads
We’ve all been there. Christmas morning, shredded wrapping paper litters the floor around you. Your fingers throbbing from paper cuts while you stare at the pile of presents in front of you as that last trickle of Christmas excitement sweat rolls down your back. Socks, Underwear, a box of betamax movies bought at a yard sale by your aunt because, “You like movies,” ten non-consecutive issues of Rom-Spaceknight, and a wall calendar that features “Cats throughout history.”
While the flux-capacitor hasn’t been perfected and we can’t help you fix any past Christmases, maybe we can help you get this Christmas off to a good start. Here’s the two proned plan of attack.
1. Print out copies of this list and place it around the house where your relatives will find it and reset your parents internet homepage to this list.
2. Read, memorize, and work into everyday conversations the items listed below.
Sumo Urban Lounge Gear:
Once you go Sumo you never go back. I’m serious. I cannot stress enough how magnificent this Sumo Omni is. And here’s the thing. It comes in a bazillion colors (ok, well maybe 10) and costs less then those damn gamer boom chairs nobody uses. And it’s more comfortable. And you can position the chair in multiple positions so you can lay, lounge, sit, sulk, hang, chill, or relax in it. I’m telling you, it is AMAZING.
So here are the facts. The Sumo Omni comes in 10 different colors: pitch black, charcoal green, platinum, midnight blue, fiery red, neon orange, hot pink, pure white, lime green and funky brown (I have lime green if you must know). It costs $149.00, free shipping. It comes FedEx 7-10 business days after you place an order. The Sumo has 10+ positions you can use. It is 4×5’ X 5.5 and weighs only 18 lbs. It is made from spaceage, rip proof nylon and is filled with Sumo beads (virgin polystyrene foam). It is easy to clean, with soap and water, and does not stain. They also have a 100% satisfaction guarantee.
Check out Sumolounge and buy one. I promise you..you will NOT be disappointed.
Dexter’s Kill Shirt:
Let me introduce the Dexter “Kill” Shirt. Simply, it is the “same” shirt Dexter wears whilst he is killing his victims. And for those who don’t know who or what Dexter is, here’s the short version…Dexter Morgan (played by Michael C. Hall) works for the Miami metro Police Dept as a blood splatter analyst but, he is also a serial killer (and only kills those “who deserve it”). The show is on Showtime…If you have not seen it, you need to. All I have to say is AMAZING! Anyways, back to the shirt. It is an Army Green Thermal. It is only $24.99 (not too bad but I can buy a 3 pack at Walmart for $8.99). It comes in sizes S-XL, but shrinks 1 whole size in the dryer…made out of 55% cotton and 45% polyester blend. WARNING: PUTTING ON THE SHIRT WILL NOT TURN YOU INTO A TOTALLY KICK ASS SERIAL KILLER, PLEASE DON’T KILL. Buy the shirt at ThinkGeek.
Star Trek Pizza Cutter:
Looking for an “out of this world” way to cut your pizza? Well, now you have it! The Star Trek pizza cutter is here! This handy device to help us divide up our cheesy , gooey mess of a pizza is to the rescue. (This should totally be the slogan for the commercial for this thing. It deserves to be in the infomercial hall of a fame along with the slap-chop guy and his nuts!) Alright, so despite the fact that this thing is kind of lame and unnecessary I have to admit it would at least be fun to use at least once… to explore strange new pizzas, and seek out new toppings!
Buy one at ThinkGeek for $24.99
A few years ago, there was a beloved sci-fi TV series called Firefly starring a lovable, dumb tough guy named Jayne Cobb who occasionally wore a orange knitted cap with red ear flaps and a yarn pom-pon on top. *Clears throat* “Oh, He robbed from the rich and he gave to the poor. Stood up to the man and he gave him what for. Our love for him now ain’t hard to explain. The hero of Canton the man they call Jayne.”. Anyway, back to the hat. It is a character into itself. It’s a relic among nerds. Fans pay homage to Jayne by knitting a replica of his delightlful hat and wear it proudly. If you aren’t inclined to make one yourself, you can find a variety of them on Etsy
Star Wars Pancake Molds:
Take it from me: trying to make Star Wars pancakes is a stone-cold bitch. Oddly, no matter what I intend for them to be, every pancake looks like the shot of Alderaan exploding. You undoubtedly have experienced this heartbreak as well.
Well, man oh man, are we all in luck. Williams-Sonoma (how many times have they been named-dropped on this site?) is selling Star Wars pancake molds. For a paltry $19.95, you get a set of three molds: Darth Vader, Yoda, and a Stormtrooper.
So now you can slap these nonstick steel molds on your griddle and make a heap of Star Wars-ey pancakes for you and your girlfriend/boyfriend/Real Doll.
Back to the Future Delorean Hard Drive:
If your computer locks up and you want to reset it to an earlier backup, you’re going to need a time machine, and what better time machine is there than Doc’s DeLorean from Back To The Future?
This beautifully detailed model of Doc’s time traveling car hides a 500GB hard drive, which should be plenty for backing up even the most comprehensive flux capacitor diagrams.
The $250 asking price is kind of steep for a 500GB drive, but think of it as a $100 drive with a super cool $150 BTTF DeLorean model.
Pick one up at flashrods.com before you’re “Outta Time”.
Stay Puft Marshmallows:
Stay Puft! Who could forget the monstrous marshmallow man who frightened Egon Spengler beyond the capacity for rational thought in the original Ghostbusters ? His malevolent grin and violent disregard for church property are forever ingrained in our collective memory. Now, thanks to some very nerdy food manufacturers, you can finally find out what Stay Puft tastes like!
It only took 26 years, but Think Geek has finally developed real-life Stay Puft Marshmallows, just like the ones little Ray Stantz used to roast at Camp Oconda. Well, almost — these soft and sugary treats are ultra-caffeinated! Why? Because Mr. Stay Puft is no harmless sailor out for a stroll; he’s an evil giant pile of goo who wants to make you get all nervous, sweaty, and jittery, just like The Key Master.
Each marshmallow contains 100mg of caffeine—an entire Red Bull only has 80mg. Plus the rubbery box can be reused.
$19.99 a box from ThinkGeek
Harry Potter Universal Remote Control:
I want to start by thanking Jeebus for answering my prayers. The Wand Company has created a ‘magic’ wand that is actually a universal remote. Yes, you can swish your way to Dexter. Yes, you can flick your way to the Jason Mewes ’ balls scene in Zach and Miri. Yes, you can even twirl your way to mute, so you can evesdrop on your neighbor’s domestic violence. REJOICE!
The wand understands 13 distinct gestures, and The Wand Company (who has released this) suggest that rotating the wand is best for volume control, flicking it up and down is best for changing the channels, but that you can program it do whatever with the other gestures, such as Push Forward, Push Backward, and Big Swish (I swear I’m not making this up). If you’re really do desirous of playing wizard with your home entertainment center that you want to purchase this dumbed-down Wii remote, you can order it here for 50 pounds.
The Princess Bride Sword Replica’s:
When it comes to movie sword replicas us nerds have been privileged to get everything we’ve ever wanted. Conan’s barbarian sword. The dragon headed katana from Highlander. The Scottish claymore from Braveheart. Heck, we’ve even got every sword, dagger and pointy sharp pieces of metal from the Lord of The Rings Trilogy. However, there is a sword that has alluded nerd kind for far too long. To which sword am I referring to? I’ll give you a hint. “Hello. My Name Is Inigo Montoya. You Killed My Father. Prepare To Die”
Yes, the sword of Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride is FINALLY HERE. The Sword of the Dread Pirate Roberts is available too, but it’s just not the blade you want to use in hunting the six fingered men in your life.
Copied directly from the original prop swords with exacting attention to detail. Each replica also includes a leather scabbard, a wall mounted display shield and numbered plaque, a certificate of authenticity and a prop story booklet, featuring a special introduction by Director Rob Reiner.
Both 1:1 Scale replicas are available for PREORDER on collectible sites like bigbadtoystore.com with an estimated December Arrival date. Average price $250-300.
The Taun Taun Sleeping Bag:
Yes, the elusive Star Wars TaunTaun Sleeping Bag. Originally a Thinkgeek.com April Fool’s joke that got such a high demand for it’s invention they got it made. Much to the happiness and bane of the geeks out there, with no real release date and an insane wait based on the creation.
It’s a slick throwback to the saga which honors it with it’s innovativeness as well as sheer, thick, quality. You lay it out and the arms and legs are external as well as the tail, and when you use the lightsabre zipper to slice it down open and hop in, the warm innards are soft and the design pattern is the guts of the poor slashed creature! Crawl inside, “It may smell, but it’ll keep you warm” Han Solo would say, and lay your head down on the TaunTaun’s built in pillow head!
BUY IT NOW for $99.99 at Thinkgeek.com (We swear this is our last thinkgeek plug)
TRU Blood Beverage:
True Blood, the raunchy, graphic, all-around good time vampire TV series on HBO, is tailored to folks who are psyched about vampire lore but would rather not watch Robert Pattinson sparkle in the sun. Unlike that franchise, however, True Blood has yet to bank on their vast appeal with consumers. Until now.
Fans, get ready to get your drink on with a new beverage modeled after the bloody drinks consumed by star vampire Bill in the series.
Crafted to replicate the appearance of the synthetic blood beverage preferred by the undead in the series, the real-life drink blood-orange carbonated drink has a slightly tart and lightly sweet flavor that I’m sure tastes better than the O negative blood consumed by the show’s fictional vampires.
Tru Blood cost $16 for a four-pack. It can be ordered here.
R2D2 Droid 2:
Being an avid and loyal iPhone user I can’t help but be tempted to the dark side with Verizon’s R2-D2 edition Droid 2. Released in late September the R2-D2 edition Droid 2 combines all that is fun and functional about the Android mobile operating system with all that is awesome about the Star Wars saga’s most famous astromech. In honor of the 30th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back, this phone has been styled to mimic R2’s own unique color scheme. This little blue-and-white beauty also comes loaded with a fine selection of wallpapers, system sounds and specialty applications that honor the accomplishments of the true hero of the rebellion. Available from Verizon Wireless in limited quantities, this is not only a fully functional Android-driven smartphone, but the perfect collectable for the Star Wars fan on your holiday shopping list.
Get Yourself Frozen in Carbonite:
Paul Pape is a diabolical genius. You can get a model of yourself frozen in carbonite in the classic Han Solo pose or a more unique two thumbs up!
Just send your picture to email@example.com and I will sculpt the likeness, from the clothes, to the pose. Will you choose the classic pose, or something more whimsical? The choice is yours.
Costing only $50 and at a 4.25 inches high (Is twice the length of Nerdbastard contributor Blake Stevenson’s Penis!) is a minuscule version of what Empire brought us. Mr. Pape will craft only 200 pieces before the holidays so the line starts here fucko’s!
Apple iPad: An Apple iPad: It’s a magical and revolutionary device that can do anything. You can serve holiday eggnog on it, use it as a weight scale and even watch Star Wars on it. No need to think about this one, just get it and wrap it up for the nerd in your life.