(Article by nerdbastards contributor Mark Poynter, A.K.A Mordrun)
Every kid alive has done the finger gun, it’s instinctive, it’s primordial, it’s . . . it’s . . . wait, I’ll get it . . . what’s another word for that . . . oh crap, I hate when I blank out like this.
It’s just what kids do, no one has to explain it to them. Bang! Bang! NerdBastards like us take it to higher levels, we go to eleven. It’s not enough for us to point and say bang. We gotta roll like in this Spaced video But what kind of gun are you imagining while you duck for cover? What kind of iron do you fill your hands with, in order to fill their bellies full of lead, plasma, and pulse fire? Well, I am so glad you asked. Click through the jump and see what the well armed NerdBastard should be unloading at his opponents!
Old school, not that other “brown like crap” Klingon enema disruptor. You can guess where to stick that Next Generation abomination. This shiny piece of awesomeness is the one to beat. Just look at it, aside from shooting it at people, just think of the damage that would do with a backhanded pistol whip! You can see the alien blood and gore on this disruptor, and it wipes clean with the ease of Galactic Windex. Take those silly “Phasers” and go back to your planet human! Your planet needs more Lazik Eye Clinic technicians, or maybe you should become a Tribble hunter.
The name alone makes this gun one bad ass piece of hand cannon. Add to it that it talks back to you, has multiple ammo for different situations, and can understand the “marble filled mouth” of Stallone means that is one smart as hell gun. Oh yeah, did I mention that it is set to a specific user? That way when you rookie Judges out there lose your weapon, it can’t be shot at me while I clean up your sorry mess. This gun make me the law!
Runner! This was the desired gun of my childhood. I saw this movie and was blown away. The uniforms, the guns, the hand crystals, those short silky skirts, Farrah Fawcett! Check out the video below for a working model. Hear that sound? That is the sound of one more runner meeting his fate. Simple in slate black, this weapon looks like it can take a beating and keep on terminating.
Han Solo Blaster
When Han shot first he pretty much proved the usefulness of this pistol. Just look at the shot, from the hip, under the table, between the legs, through the table, and Greedo is alien bar sushi. The gun has a look that made everyone want to have one. Put money on this gun’s prop set being one of the top ten sellers of all time. Sling that hand cannon low fellas, that’s the way the princess’s like them.
Dune Weirding Module
“Some thoughts have a certain sound, that being the equivalent to a form. Through sound and motion, you will be able to paralyze nerves, shatter bones, set fires, suffocate an enemy or burst his organs. We will kill until no Harkonnen breathes Arakeen air.”
“My name is a killing word.”
Lots of people got upset when the Weirding Modules showed up in the movie. It’s not in the books and was a pretty drastic change from the Weirding Way of “Super Kung-fu.” When you see that wave of fighters running down the dunes yelling their heads off, it works. It was also a different enough type of weapon that made it interesting, better than just another blaster.
Space 1999 Stun Gun
OK, this gun was a pretty big part of my childhood as well. One Christmas, just after the dawn of time, I woke and went down the stairs to find this big, beautiful, white as snow, Space 1999 Eagle under the tree. It was about two feet long, and made me cry with joy. Then something happened that to this day is remembered with both fondness on my part, and loathing on my sister’s. There, among the other presents it lay. A Space 1999 Stun Gun water pistol. Caress is not too strong a word for how I held that Stun gun, and then turned it on my sister after filling it with water.
The Black Hole Gun
You either love or hate Disney’s The Black Hole. This gun has two blasters in one. That was enough to make the list. The laser pistols originally had light up tips that would activate when the actors pressed the trigger, giving the animators cues as to when someone was firing the guns. This proved problematical because the actors would unconsciously press the triggers when they weren’t supposed to often times inadvertently shooting the walls, the floor, that actor over there.
Stargate Staff Gun
Admit it, you want one, everybody did when the movie came out. The only question was, do I bash them on the head with it, shoot them with it, or sweep the leg, then shoot them? Yeah, sweep the leg Johnny, then blast him!
Babylon 5 Phased Plasma Gun
Why does this gun make the list when Bladerunner, Battlestar Galactica, and Buck Rodgers guns don’t? Because this gun was the first prop set I ever purchased. This little hand gun made cool sounds, ran out of ammo and had to be reloaded, and was small and compact power. Besides, Psi Cop Bester used this gun. When Bester thinks, you think, you should use this gun, you use this gun.
Point of View Gun Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
The gun was created by Deep Thought, prior to its long pondering of the Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything. When used on someone, it causes them to see things from the point of view of the person firing the gun. According to the Guide, the gun was commissioned by the Intergalactic Consortium of Angry Housewives, who were tired of ending every argument with their husbands with the phrase: “You just don’t get it, do you?” Why does this gun make the list? Wait, let me get mine out, this won’t hurt a bit. Zap! Oh, I see we agree.
Don’t like the choices above? Think you can get the drop on me with some other gun that wasn’t listed? Some other gun that was passed over as not worthy?
“I’m your Huckleberry!”