(Article by nerdbastards contributor Mark Poynter, A.K.A Mordrun)
It’s that time of year again. If your not getting smothered in “Best of 2010” lists then your getting hounded by “New Years Resolutions” lists. Well suck it up because this is your NerdBastards New Year Resolutions list that you won’t keep in 2011 anyways. Read it now so you can formulate the excuses you’ll use in July as to why you haven’t kept any of them. Wait, we all know you’ll give up in February and just pretend that your still on track on your Facebook status till July.
10. Getting in shape: We can survive the Zombie/Robot Apocalypse if we drop some weight and improve our cardio. Yeah, all us chubby nerds are gonna go to the gym 3 times a week, tone up, lose this weight, actually fit into a cos play costume that doesn’t include “The Fat” in front of the costume name. (You can call your weight loss challenge: The Crusade to see my penis without the use of mirrors.)
9. Improve that relationship status on Facebook: Talk to a girl. A real flesh and blood girl, not that robot you’ve been working on in the basement, not that “lady” on the 900 number that keeps telling you to “spank it” between fits of hacking-smoking cough. Try that cute girl at Starbucks, or that nice check out lady at the grocery. Just be cool, not creepy. If your not sure where the creepy line is, go practise in the mirror.
8. Save money: If you haven’t heard yet, anyone under 30 had better take care of their own retirement fund because Social Security ain’t gonna make it that long. you have to think small, but consistent. Build it up slowly over time and suddenly you have a bundle. Wait and try to do it all in a couple of years and you’ll drive yourself crazy.
7. Drink Less: Lots of us over indulge when we do indulge. Most of the Internets greatest videos are about people that drank too much. So think about changing quantity for quality. Maybe you should think of it this way. “I’m gonna drink less, but I’m gonna drink much better stuff when I do.”
6. Quit Smoking: For me this falls under my lose weight resolution, in the smoked meats category that is Southern BBQ. For those of you that smoke cigarettes, you have my support if you need it. Quiting smoking is a tough one. Get the help you need to make it happen, quitting will improve your health, and your pocket book. There was a joke or two for this, then that 900 lady started hacking a lung again and mood changed.
5. Manage Stress: Stop trying to manage your stress and start relieving it. Don’t start masturbating in public and point to this article, but do something. I’m not talking about origami or banzai tree pruning, take up fencing or stage craft sword fighting lessons. Go to a skeet range or take archery classes. If you gonna learn something to help relieve your stress, make it something that will help when the zombies or aliens come.
4. Eat better: Everyone says eat more greens, the vegetables, not the Orion slave girl. Why can’t some super scientist make a vegetable that tastes like hamburger? Have you ever had one of those God awful veggie burgers that vegans try to slip by you? Think of the money that could be made by some guy inventing the brussel sprout that tastes like Porter House. Forget that damn rocket jet pack you scientists promised us 50 years ago, get on the meat flavored vegetables!
3. Spend more time with family and friends. This doesn’t mean getting your mom and dad set up on Steam or an Xbox live account to play games. Well, it doesn’t mean you can’t do that as well as visit, take trips, see a show or movie or just take them to lunch. Get past the “Hi, how are you” talk and learn who they are. You will be surprised what you find out.
2. Volunteer more. This works better in groups. Find a group that does charity work as well as enjoying a hobby or pastime. The 501st is a great example of Cos players and Star Wars geeks that also do great community work with many children’s charities. No reason why you can’t combine the two.
I guess one of my resolutions should be to learn to count because that’s only nine resolutions. Screw it, you finish it in the comments below. I have to figure out how to get out of those other nine resolution.