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Henchmen, they come in all shorts of shapes and sizes.  They use guns, knifes, spears, blow torches, blow guns, and every other type of weapon you can imagine.  Every villain needs one, more than one really.  Henchmen don’t seem to survive many battles, even if they do survive, they end up turning on the villain.  Most henchmen end up being more memorable than the villain they are henching.  Click the jump to see some of the top henchmen in the business.

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Moist – Dr Horrible’s Sing Along Blog:  This is the go to guy for the aspiring henchman.  The guy gets paid to be moist, to moisten, to moistify.  Moist rides Dr Horrible’s lab coat tail to the top just like a politician’s staff.  The secret to a good henchman: do as little as possible with the most payoff.  Moist is a henchman to look up to, I get a little teary just thinking about him.

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Igor – Young Frankenstein:  Pronounced “eye-gore” this henchman takes the “Under” in underling to new heights.  Don’t let his humorous antics fool you, this guy is die-a-bol-lick-al.  Can’t find or destroyed the brain your told to steal?  Just take the one next to it.  Igor’s greatest quote?  “Wait master, it might be dangerous . . . you go first.”

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Smee – Hook:  Pirate Henchman, that’s a perfect combination, he’s the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of henchmen.  Just look at him, he radiates that teddy bear feeling while he holds a dagger to your throat.  Standing right behind Hook until the tides changes, Smee then grabs what loot he can and runs.  What?  You were expecting a pirate henchman to stand and fight?

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Nick Nack – James Bond, The Man with the Golden Gun: Nothing is creepier than a little guy with a gun.  Nick Nack was one smooth operator.  He had style.  He had class.  He had that “something”.  Looking back I wonder if he shouldn’t have left and found his own volcano lair.  Why Fleming never brought Nick Nack back, I don’t know.  He was awesome.

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Mini-me – Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me:  OK, Mini-me is a rip off of Nick Nack, but Verne Troyer took it to a new level.  If Scott Evil was the “Diet Coke” of evil then Mini-me was the “Grey Goose” of evil.  Troyer managed to blend the creepy, with the evil, and the adorable to make a character that everyone wanted to see on screen.  When you can take screen time away from Mike Myers, your doing your job.

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Khan’s crewman – Star Trek II, The Wraith of Khan:  OK, I have to admit something here.  I couldn’t remember this guys name.  I kept racking my brain until I found out that he didn’t even have a name.  What the hell?  The one guy with sense in the whole movie and he gets no name credit?  He should have been screaming “Khan” at the top of his lungs.  This just shows you what happens to the loyal beyond belief henchman.  Dead, scorched, and left behind.

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Bob the Goon – Batman (1989): I watched Batman over the weekend and took another look at Bob the Goon.  Bob had moves.  He seemed to appear at just the right moment when Jack needed him.  Jack gets caught by Batman . . . Bob steps out and puts a gun to Commissioner Gordon’s head.  Joker knew the score and later said, “Remember… you… are my number one… guy!”  Oh the joy Bob must have felt at hearing that.

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Toadie – The Road Warrior:  Oh Toadie, you little spineless scavenger.  It’s hard to hate you, your so cute and cuddly.  Like a rattlesnake.  Any hopes I had that you might turn out some superior henchman type shenanigans faded when you couldn’t even catch a boomerang.  Toadie should have just kept to scrapping up the road kills and stirring the cooking pot.

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Non – Superman II:  Non, you poor ignorant bastard, they used you for laughs and giggles.  You should have been the soul freezing evil at Zod’s command.  I could just see you laughing insanely while you snapped necks and pulled soldiers limb from limb.  Your blood lust for battle should have complemented Ursa’s taunting insanity.  Instead you got whimpering eye blasts and a plastic Superman seal in the face.  It makes me sad.

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Darth Vadar – Star Wars, Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Revenge of the Sith:  I’m just gonna say it.  Vadar was a bitch, he was Palpatine’s bitch, bought and paid for.  We all had the wool pulled over our young eyes.  Just as everyone thinks Boba Fett is some great bounty hunter, they think Vadar is some great villain.  Boba shot at everyone and never hit anything.  He didn’t even catch Solo, Vadar gave him to Fett, at best Fett is a delivery boy with United Galactic Parcel Service.  OK back to Vadar.  Was he doing anything on his own?  No, he was just handling the Emperor’s laundry list of Galactic Domination and failing at every other turn.

1. Kill the Jedi – Well he almost killed all the Jedi. – Failed.
2. Don’t lose the plans to the Death Star – Failed.
3. Recover the plans to the Death Star – Failed.
4. Turn your son to the Dark side – Failed.

Yeah, Vadar killed a lot of people in the movies.  I bet if you counted, he killed just as many Empire troops and officers as he ever did Rebels and Jedi.  Just like a lot of the other henchmen on this list he turned on his master at the end.  Another sad henchman ending.

You don’t agree?  Call my 1-800 number and talk to my henchman.

PS:

Somebody is gonna mention Henchman 21 from the Venture Brothers and ask why I didn’t include him.  Because he is bad ass and would wipe the floor with any of the henchmen listed above!!!!!

HENCHMAN FOR LIFE!

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