In this age of self help and self discovery there is a multimillion dollar market for books that tackle these daunting self improvement tasks. Whole shelves of Chicken Soup for the __________, The Secret and others can help you fix what ever you, or the world thinks is wrong with you. Having exhausted that market and written a book for every possible legal group available; self improvement writers have moved on to the only market remaining, the criminal genius. The first to take a crack at conquering this market is the Covey group, famous for their line of Seven Habits of Highly Effective _______ books. So get out your number two pencil, a yellow legal pad of paper, a Slim Jim, something very caffeinated to drink, laugh your most maniacal laugh, and click the jump.
The First Three Habits surround moving from Nameless to Infamous (i.e. World Mastery)
• Habit 1: Be Proactive
Synopsis: You can’t sit watching television in your volcanic island cave base or play video games in your swamp headquarters and expect the world to deliver itself into your arms. Absolve yourself and your minions from any responsibility for your choices and the subsequent consequences that follow will allow you to make those world crushing decisions necessary to achieve World Domination. Get out there and cause some mayhem, steal some candy, kill some bunnies.
• Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind
Synopsis: Self-discover and clarify your deeply important character values and life goals. Visualize what you want. See yourself at the peak of your success. This can really help you with your “look.” Every villain needs to have a defined, unified manner of dress. Calling yourself Dr. Horrible while wearing a clown costume won’t incite fear in your enemies, confusion maybe. Besides, you really want a cool looking action figure right? Now, how will you rule the world once you have conquered it? Do you want to rule with your iron fist, or do you want to rule from behind the scenes? Once you have made your first world-wide demands you won’t be able to just take them back.
• Habit 3: Put First Things First
Synopsis: Planning, prioritizing, and executing your tasks based on importance rather than desire. Do you really need sharks with lasers on their heads? Will mind washing a sidekick be an effective use of your valuable time? Don’t forget that having a defined, detailed plan will only make it easier to explain to your arch Nemesis during the “Explain Your Plan to the Captured Hero” phase. Be prepared for what ever that hero may throw at you, even a ridiculous looking plastic “S” shaped triangle can lay waste to the best of plans. Just ask Zod while your kneeling before him.
The next three Habits have to do with Interdependence (i.e. working with others)
• Habit 4: Think Win-Win
Synopsis: Genuinely striving for mutually beneficial solutions or agreements in your relationships. C’mon Zod, give Lex Australia, it’s not like anyone lives down there. There is no reason you can’t just spread a little of the world around. Partners and Henchmen (And Hench-women) can be a valuable source of help. One thing though, make sure to check their hand to eye co-ordination before hiring. I’m talking to you Cobra Commander, and you too Palpatine. Start with the broad side of a barn-like structure and hire the ones that can hit one.
• Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, then to be understood
Synopsis: Using empathetic listening to be genuinely influenced by a person, which compels them to reciprocate the listening and take an open mind to being influenced by you. This creates an atmosphere of caring, respect, and positive problem solving. In other words, don’t go strait to the choke hold or push that button that opens the hole in the floor to the lion chamber or the shark tank. Try to talk it out, then kill them horribly. It’s also important that your so called “Hero” know your plan to take over the world before they die. How can they truly suffer without that knowledge?
• Habit 6: Synergize
Synopsis: Combining the strengths of people through positive teamwork, so as to achieve goals no one person could have done alone. Working together can really help along your quest for world domination. Just make sure that you have a pair of pants for Brainiac and Soloman Grundy.
Like the recruitment poster says, “He can’t do it alone.” It’s not like your gonna live in the ocean? Let Black Manta do his “Black Manta” thing while you enjoy the rest of the world.
The Last habit relates to self-rejuvenation;
•Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw
Synopsis: If your tools aren’t ready you won’t win. Haven’t you seen all the crap Batman carries around? A workman is only as good as his tools, and likewise a villain is only as good as his death traps. Remember, the sidekick you kill today, is the hero you don’t have to fight later. Joker knows what I’m talking about. It’s the little things that make the day go better. Savor those moments, it’s not every day that contaminate the cities water supply with a fear inducing chemical.