Vexika – My Cosmic Karma Torture

Karma can be a real bitch.  I’ve had a really good week of Internet videos discoveries, then it happened.  That cosmic coin flipped and came up ‘Vexika‘.  I didn’t stumble over it like the other videos this week, that should have been my first karmic clue to back away slowly without making eye contact.  No, this little Internet gem was forwarded to me by none other than Luke Gallagher – Editor and Chief of Nerdbastard.  That should have been my second clue to protect my privates at all costs.

I ignored these warnings and clicked through to check out Vexika Part One.

“Vexika follows Victoria Bloom – An ambitious TV Reporter who’s also DARPA’s only successful nanoid-hybrid biological cyber-enhanced supersoldier.  She must hunt down the deranged failed rejects to feed her fatal nanoid build up.”

It felt like a wiffle ball bat to the groin, that slow feeling that “it’s not that bad,” followed by pain, that leg buckling, fall to the ground pain.  Instead of talking about the lack of a coherent story, dialog, or pacing, I’ll just list the things I would rather do than watch another episode of Vexika:

  • Make love to an angry goat while it kicks me repeatedly in the groin.
  • Use molten hot wax to remove the hairs from my hairy ass.
  • Spank a large burly man in assless leather chaps.
  • Watch my toenails grow.
  • Punch myself in the balls repeatedly while rubbing my eyes with fresh lemons.
  • Invite all my friends to view my next colonoscopy.

How this review will appear on Vexika’s website:

Love. . .it. . .hot. . .ass. . .leather. . .watch. . .repeatedly. . .with. . .all. . .my. . .friends!

Now I have to appease Karma.  Dan is just having a good time making videos with his wife.  Congrats on landing such a good looking woman there Dan.  Nerd guy Vulcan high five!  That she likes to dress in tight leather while you stick a camera at her crotch (I mean really, how many scenes need to have that “camera through the crouched legs” shot?) is just icing on the cake.

I know you’re not trained actors, but when the cardboard cutouts at the local grocery store are more engaging, then maybe someone could use some practise.  The best video of Miranda is the shots of her talking with people on the convention floor (follow up video after the jump).  She’s cute, charming, and not so concentrated on moving from one “stiff pose” to another.  That’s what needs to come through.  I cared about hearing what that woman had to say.  The other squatting woman in tight leather just bored me, and don’t get me started on the ninja dialogue.


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Category: Film

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