Let’s face it, the coolest thing to come from the Harry Potter phenomena isn’t J.K. Rowling‘s epic and engrossing saga, the endearing child actors turned veritable hunks and babes nor the insane amounts of dirty fanfiction. Well, okay, erotic Potter fanfiction is a pretty sizable tentpole of the fan community, but the coolest thing is magic. Or at least the fantasy that with a swish and flick of a wand anything is possible.
Now, take that notion of “anything is possible” and place it in the twisted minds of some nerdy bastards who’ve grown up imagining themselves in the wizarding world, and well, you get this Top 10 list. So, beginth the Top 10 Spells and Potions from Harry Potter Nerd Bastards Would Use Inappropriately.
10. The Tongue-Tying Curse, The Babbling Curse, Confundus Charm & Veritaserum
Let’s begin innocently enough. One terribly frustrating aspect of the age of information we live in is spoilers. Wouldn’t it be fantastic to have the power to make all those douches ruining it for everyone else shut the fuck up? Yes. Enter the Tongue-Tying Curse and the Babbling Curse. One prevents certain information from being revealed by literally having someone’s tongue curl backwards on itself and the other causing them to babble incoherently. There’s a chance these might not stop said douche from typing a spoiler, so to be super safe, use a Confundus Charm. It’ll cause your target to become completely beffudled and forgetful, so much so they’ll probably forget even how to operate their smart phone.
But what to do when you’re seeking out an important spoiler? Like you need to know the entire plot of The Dark Knight Rises and you just so happen to have Christopher Nolan hogtied in your basement? For that, Veritaserum is a must. The truth potion will have Nolan telling you every dirty detail about Batman and Catwoman doing the nasty. That’s happening in the next film, right? Oh man, I hope so.
For more of the inappropriate ways a nerd bastard would use magic hit the jump! And believe me, things will get a whole lot kinkier below the cut.
9. Accio & Depulso
Another abuse of our magical powers would result in epic laziness. How many times have you been sitting on the couch trying to force-will the controller to come within grasping range? Hundreds upon hundreds of times, I’m sure, I’ve been there. And while we may not be Jedi we are wizards (at least for the sake of this list) so we’d be Accio-ing and Depulso-ing everything in the damn house! Ugh, I’m thirsty, Accio Mountain Dew! Where are my snacks? Accio Cheetos! See how dangerous this power could be? And with Depulso, the banishing charm, cleaning up your mess is even easier! As long as you don’t really care where it’s banished too, I mean, whatever, you can just summon it back when you need it, right?
And first on everyone’s mind, Accio Porn. Why you nerdy, dirty bastards.
8. Felix Felicis
Liquid luck. Do I really even need to explain how this could be abused!? Particularly inappropriately. Let’s say your super close to reaching the level cap in WoW, you just need the next few missions to go your way. Drink some Felix Felicis and your raid is going so well your guild is convinced you’ve hacked the game. Heading to an after con party? Want to guarantee you’ll bed at least three Slave Leias in one night? Yup, Felix Felicis can help you out there too. In fact, really any time you need to be extremely lucky all you’d need to do is whip up a batch of the good ‘ole double ‘F’ and you’re golden. Hmm, what would a world be like if everything went the way we planned?
7. Refilling Charm
A charm that will instantly refill any container that has run dry of it’s contents. Which I take to mean, never-ending beer. Or liquor. Or keg! This charm has a thousand and one alcohol related uses! If everyone thought Jesus was cool when he kept replenishing the wine at that wedding, think how awesome you’d be if you could keep the jager-bombs coming all night. Probably for good reason this charm’s incantation is never revealed in any of the novels or movies.
6. Disillusionment Charm, Bedazzling Charm & an Invisibility Cloak
What high school boy hasn’t attempted or at least thought of sneaking into the girl’s locker room? With one of these charms it would be so easy! Both the Disillusionment Charm and Bedazzling Charm are used to turn yourself or something else practically invisible. Both of these charms are also used in the creation of an Invisibility Cloak. You know in passages left out of Rowling’s final manuscripts Harry and Ron were chillin’ in the girl’s bathroom being complete pervs. They were teenage boys with the ability to be unseen, how would this never cross their minds?!
Engorgio is used to make an object swell in size, Duro will make the object hard and Erecto will, obviously, cause an object to become erect. I’ll just leave this here for you to come to your own conclusions about these charms.
The Incarcerous charm or curse, there seems to debate in the way you go about using it, causes your target to become tied up with ropes. Uh-huh, yep, everyone just caught up with what I’m thinking. Wizard bondage. At any moment the mood strikes you can tie someone up and have your way with them. Obviously, this can be really dangerous, particularly if you target is less than willing. But let’s assume the bondage is taking place between two-consenting adults. Kinky fun without needing to purchase handcuffs and chains! You might want to invest in a whip or paddle though, just sayin’. Unless you were just going to spank ’em with your wand. No, the wooden one. Oh never mind…
Also known as, the love potion. Clearly if magic was real this potion would be made illegal, along with everything else on this list, but this would be near the top of a FORBIDDEN list. The ability to cause anyone of your choosing to fall deeply in love with you (or more likely lust, but hey, that might be even better) is an awfully tempting one. I don’t know anyone who hasn’t longed for someone and wanted a quick and easy solution for them to be together. Warning though, just because you’d cause your heart’s desire to fall for you doesn’t mean someone else couldn’t dose you. It’s the wizarding roofie, and it lasts longer than one ill-advised evening.
Of the three Unforgivable curses, Imperio would the easiest to abuse. Sure, Avada Kedava and Crucio are really evil curses but I’m hoping no nerdy bastard would need to sink that low. Then they’d just be a bastard, a terrible, awful fucking bastard. But the ability to control someone’s actions with only a spoken command, or is some cases unspoken, that’s some seriously hefty power. And one not many would be able to refuse. Pair that with either the Incarcerous or maybe even the Disillusionment Charm and you could do some pretty dirty things. Again, only between consenting adults, please.
Ever woken up and wished you could forget everything that happened the night before? Or worse, who happened the night before? We’ve all done things we’ve regretted, just go and peruse all the photos you’re tagged in on Facebook. What if you could make yourself forget or even better everyone else forget about them? That’s what makes the Obliviate charm so temptingly perfect. You can have our experimental stage in college and then quickly erase it before you head out into the real world job-hunting. Or if you wake up, roll over and let our a scream because you’re lying naked next your cousin, you can forget that too. Live without fear, because tomorrow, nobody has to know.
All right, nerdy bastards, there have to be some useful spells and potions I’ve left off this list. In particular, ones that could let you get away with doing dirty things, you naughty wizards. Also, why don’t you share how you’d use the above spells and potions most effectively, and inappropriately. Sound off in the comments below.