Many gamers out there have achieved great things. They saved the Princess, they solved the last puzzle, they killed all the zombies, and beat the high score! Most will gladly share their most valiant of victories with anyone that will listen. They’ll tell you how they beat Contra with only three lives. That time they beat Zelda for the 12th time, or the time they Ko’d Mike Tyson in one try (let’s assume their not lying). There are those times though, maybe a lapse in hand eye coordination, bad timing, an ill equipped character, or if you fancy multiplayer gaming how about that bitch ass NOOB bitch slapping your sorry ass with the energy sword in Halo? It’s these times where we get the misfortune of experiencing virtual death. Some are expected, and a part of every gamers life. Then there there are the times, you know the times, the ones that will cause such frustration that smashing your controller is just the beginning. These are the ten deaths that have not only taken the lives of countless innocent controllers, but will also make you rethink ever playing a video game ever again. I apologize ahead of time if any of these bring back any repressed memories.
10. One Button Kills:
Anyone who has played any multiplayer deathmatch may know what this means. Imagine if you will, you’re in a heated King of the Hill match in Halo Reach. You have just hit a 15 kill streak and you are on top of the score board. Life is good. You pull out your sniper rifle and place yourself in an impossible position. You have a nice vantage point of the whole map, you’re ready. Then, you see some fool going for an ammo drop across the map. You bring up the scope, you take aim, take a deep breath and are ready to fire…then from behind you you hear a loud CACHUNK sound. The dreaded sound of some asshole sticking a frag to your back. This talentless sonofabitch just waltzed up behind you and hit the B button, wow what a fucking NOOB. Now you have 3 seconds to live and there is nothing you can do about it except try to take him with you before you’re reduced to chunks of flesh. Although, this is a Halos thing, every multiplayer game under the sun has their own version of the devoid of any real talent one button killer. Knife kills, energy swords, pistol whips, you name it and some pussy is probably doing it as we speak. Fuck you! Learn how to shoot!
9. No Points for you!
Okay, so this isn’t exactly death in the literal sense of the word, but it sure is the death of a high score! So let’s say that Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater is your poison. You have 30 seconds left of the sickest run you have ever done. You are a manual, kickflip, crooked grind, pop shovit away from a 90x multiplier and this line is sure to be a 10 million point combo. One false move at this point and you are done for. Your butt cheeks are clenched and your in the zone! You’re finally going to beat the high score. Oh fuck, you just hit the wrong button….OHHHH!!! You just ATE SHIT! LOL sorry I don’t mean to laugh(yeah I do). Just as your score turns red and melts away that’s about the time the PlayStation controller goes crashing through the T.V. screen and about the time salty tears start trickling down your face. There are many games out there where character death does not occur, but losing a sure to be high score can very well feel like a death in the family with these, “all about the points,” games.
8. Your battery is dead….And so are you.
You now find yourself in some epic battle with gunfire, explosions and death all around you. You are using all your skills as a gamer just to stay alive. Just when you thought it couldn’t get anymore insane you round a corner and encounter a group of gun-toting thugs ready to blast your face off. These fucking guys are no match for you…Fuck these guys they’re just a little gore fodder for your eye candy pleasure. As you press in the right trigger to take these bad dudes out a beep sounds then the controller goes dead. By the time you frantically try to swap out the battery pack you are already dead. The double death! First your controller and then you! Thankfully, with modern technology the 360 and Ps3 now go to the pause menu but, there was a time that didn’t happen and you were forced helplessly watch your character get massacred. Also there is no pause in multiplayer so after you have spent the last 8 hours playing Call Of Duty, when that battery goes dead you will surly lose your head to some sniper. Hopefully he gets knifed right after he does it!
7. Oh Shit No Bullets!
Yeah, yeah more guns…I know! Now that we’re nerdy 20 somethings mariodoesn’t quite hold some of our attention as much as it used to. We need guns! Lot’s of guns! And bullets! Lots of bullets! There are certain rules that all must adhere to when gaming. If you break any of these rules death will come quickly thereafter. One of these important rules is always reload your gun after you shoot. Hey, hey, don’t talk back to me, I don’t fucking care if you only shot through 5 rounds. Reload your fucking gun! Oh, so you didn’t listen to me and now your guts are on the floor because you busted into a room with ten guys and only 3 bullets left in your gun! Good for you! Now go to Gamestop and buy a new controller you fucking idiot!
6. So all I have to do is just jump across this little gap, and I win?
Some games out there require you to go lots and lots of climbing. So, now that you have spent the last 35 minutes climbing up a building with all sorts of awesome looking acrobatics you find yourself at your goal. It’s a pretty little save point. All that stands between you and this save point is a small little gap. This little gap doesn’t even compare to what you just went through to get here. You can make this without even trying! Okay, Jump! Holy shit! Did you really just miss that gap? You just fell 3000 feet to a crushing death. Man, how did that feel? Well, start climbing you got 35 minutes to make up.
5. You only have one health pack left? Have fun with that!
You have overcome all odds and you are at the last boss. You save your game right before the final room and your ready to rock and roll. Let’s do this! You walk in, and face off against a giant monster. Oh shit, you forgot to fill up on health packs and extra ammo! Wait, Oh NO you saved over your last save and now you can’t go back! Well, wake me up when you hit your one hundreth retry. It’s moments like these that can make or break a gamer. Many would just give up at this point. The few that can suffer through the seemingly endless amount of death… You have my utmost respect.
4. Death By Odd Job!
The year is 1997 and it’s Friday night at your best friends house. You got the pizza, the soda pop, and you’re ready to duke it out with all your friends Double O style. Goldeneye on N64 will go down in history as one of the most fun FPS ever! The 4 player split-screen deathmatches consumed many of our Nerdy weekend nights during our high school career. Then the unthinkable happens, someone brought some new kid to the party and he doesn’t know the only rule when playing Goldeneye. You do not for any reason whatsoever choose Odd-job as your character. This short little piece of shit is unkillable! If you are one of the few that manage to kill this turd well, you were fucking lucky! Nine out of ten even if you shoot first chances are the bullets will whiz over his head giving him more than enough time to kill you. Hey, who fucking invited this kid anyway? One thing I do have to say is, if you are killed by Odd-job well it serves you right for allowing the match to continue without making this asshole choose a different character!
3. Pretty much every time you die in a Ninja Gaiden game.
When a game developer sells their soul to the devil and puts out a game that is so hard that it isn’t even fun well, there is a special place in hell for you fuckers! The Ninja Gaiden games are so hard that it amazes me that anyone on god’s green Earth would have the endurance of mind and soul to get to the end of these games without smashing at least 2 controllers. Every time you die in these games, no matter how trivial, it will frustrate you to no end. You want to know why? Because you know it is going to happen again two seconds later. Fuck Ninja Gaiden. Video games are supposed to be fun assholes! I’m pretty sure Ninja Gaiden holds the world record for most smashed controllers….Google it.
2. Listen Mario you better move your ass! The level is chasing you!
We all love Mario. Right? He’s such a great icon I can even forgive him for all the whoring he does. That guy’s face is on everything! Anyway, many of us, myself included, began our long and hard road of death with a little game called Super Mario Brothers. It also became the first game that gave players that sinking feeling of awful when they found themselves in the forced scrolling levels. Hey level stop moving I’m not ready to jump yet…No No No….Fuck! I’m dead. Try again.
1. Number 1 rule of gaming: Save often save always!
Most recently I was playing Fallout 3 (Yea, it was released like a year ago. I’m a bit behind). Did some missions, killed some people, traded some items, made some weapons, it was a pretty good day. Okay, so I am going to run back to town drop off some items then call it a day. Sounds good. Oh fuck me sideways a Super Mutant! Where the hell did this dingleberry come from? Just run! Just run! Now I’m running, no ammo left, lead pipe broken, I’m not ready for this. Shit! Low on health, no stimpacks left, just FUCKING run! No, one more hit and I’m….DEAD! Okay that’s fine I’ll just reload my last…Wait a minute when did I save last? Wait did I save at all today? Did I really just lose five fucking hours of my life that I will never get back? Fuck my life!
Remember folks if you learned anything today it’s four things. First, always reload your gun. Second, you never pick Odd-job. Third, don’t play Ninja Gaiden Lastly, Fucking save your game. Follow these rules and maybe, just maybe, you might live to tell the tale.