A Handy Guide To Superhero Porn Parodies

- 12-23-11Comics, Featured, Film, WTF? Posted by Jeremy R! Hudson

A small confession before we start. When I began researching this article I wanted to write a guide to geek based porn parodies  as a whole. A full top down view of the XXX/nerd landscape. After a few hours of I came upon the realization that there is a lot of porn out there. A LOT. There is also a large section of it that caters (or tries to) to the nerdy palate. From interview/gonzo style with ‘real’ gamer girls (Geek Girls: The Gamers) to the obvious fantasy/D&D styled (This Ain’t Conan The Barbarian XXX 3D). Hell the sitcom parodies alone number near if not over 100. They have even made porn parodies of cartoons, non-animated mind you. Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad. The vast amount of nerd porn out there is staggering, I just about googled ‘calculus porn’ for crying out loud. It must be out there, somewhere.

I had to narrow the sample size and specialize or I would spend the next 2 years of my life watching porn 24 hours a day. I would, mind you, since I care that deeply for you wonderful readers out there, but I have a day job.

So, with 3 companies locking up the superhero porn market (NSFW links: Vivid Superhero, Extreme Comixxx, and bluebirdfilms.) I grabbed a dozen titles that seemed to cover the basics of the superhero porn sub-genre. Covering all the big names, Batman, Superman, Iron Man. I will watch them all in no particular order and see what comes out. I worded that bad, I mean watch them with a comic nerds eye and see how the darker side of this 3 colour icons turns out.

I also realize that I can talk to much about the porn side of these movies. Not out of some high morale stance or fear that I might harm your delicate sensibilities, more so the fact that it’s going to get really boring, real quick if I do. These are dirty movies, with people doing dirty things to other people, and then roll over and doing something else dirty to someone else in the room. Take that as a given. The clips that I used are SFW, but… they are still from porn. There are sounds. People in at your workplace will hear those sounds a look at you oddly in the lunch room, if your comfortable with that, good.

Let’s begin.

Batman XXX: A Porn Parody

If we were to pick a starting point for the current fad of superhero porn parodies, Vivid’s Batman XXX: A Porn Parody would be it. Taking the campy 60’s Batman as its source material (“that single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrusts of manhood, old chum”), this was actually really entertaining. It’s funny in parts, doesn’t take itself seriously at all, and well… there are boobs, and other naked parts. I can clearly see how this started the trend, if all the others are half as good, hey… these people might be onto something, you know beyond all the boobs and other naked parts.

BatFXXX – Dark Knight Parody

I spoke to soon. Blue Bird Films Batman porn parody, BatFXXX (how the hell do you pronounce that without spitting everywhere), is the furthest from the previous. Wow, it’s like they are trying to be a real movie where everyone stops and bones every few minutes. Production wise it seems pretty good, costumes are of the high end Halloween level. We’re two in and I have to say (beyond the hanky panky) I am impressed at the level of detail and care for the subject matter the pornographers are putting in (no pun intended.)

Katwoman XXX

A direct sequel and continuation of the previous, Katwoman XXX (way to avoid a lawsuit there boys) carries on where BatfXXX left off. Gothard City is threatened with a deadly new virus by the villain Jo-Kerr. We also see Wonderchick, Jokette, 2-Face, Gangster Lovato and Superchick, sorry DC Comics, with the ironclad defense of swapping a couple of letters you won’t be taking Blue Bird Films to court any time soon. All in all another good one. We’re on a roll!

Wonder Woman XXX – Hardcore Parody

And now we are off that roll. Ok, is Wonder Woman just cursed? They can’t get the big screen movie going. The TV pilot failed hard and, apparently you can’t even decently translate the amazonian princess into porn. A very hackneyed plot (yes, I know its porn but come on guys) and scenes (both with and without pants) that are boring and drag on and on. Tori Black stars as the titular (giggle) character. This will sound far to nerdy, but come on. She looks NOTHING like WW. Not at all. Zero. Zip. I wouldn’t really bother with this one, if you need proof, here’s a quote from the official synopsis: ‘the Iraqi government has once again penetrated US soil, sending their top spy to infiltrate America’s most lucrative business, the porn industry. Through the help of a sultry US informant, the Iraqi spy gains access to California’s biggest porn production sets in order to steal their secrets.’ That sounds bad, Right? The movie is actually worse, sorry Wonder Woman, one day someone will get you right.

Superman XXX: A Porn Parody

In this cavalcade of Superhero related porn, it amazes me that Superman almost counts as a late comer… wait, that sounds misleading. What I meant to say is that it took them this long to turn the big blue boy scout into a porno. Here’s the basics, Superman saves Metropolis from Lex Luthor’s giant missile, but inadvertently frees three Kryptonian criminals, who immediately head for Earth. The phrase “knee before Zod” will never be the same for me. As you can see from the above trailer, its got some decent production value and doesn’t take itself to seriously. Hey, I liked it more than Superman Returns so that has to count for something.

Supergirl XXX: An Extreme Comixxx Parody

This one is easy nerdbait. Alanah Rae makes a passable Supergirl (even is she seems a little more like Power Girl in.. um… a chestular kind of way). Extreme Comixxx, the company that has chosen to specialize in comic book porn parodies does well here.  Yes they stay relatively true to Kara’s story at the start and try and keep it as on track as possible. Of course they also have to make up reasons for each of the characters to mash naughty bits, but it all seems to work out. At the start of the movie, when Supergirl is climbing into her Kryptonian crystal space pod she asks “why is the only room for one in the hatch?” – Well, I’ll be honest, I thought the scene was going elsewhere.

The Incredible Hulk: A XXX Porn Parody

Dale DaBone stars as Dr. David Banner here… Yes, Dale DaBone. I have spent most of this time trying desperately to avoid typing that actors name, it just makes me feel wrong inside, however he keeps showing up. You’ll recognize his…. face. He has appeared as Superman a couple of times, well here he hops companies and stars as the Hulk. This is a straight faced send up on the 70’s Hulk TV show and does it quite well. Without entering into the debate about how mindbogglingly impossible it would be to copulate with a gamma irradiated giant green monster, this movie does alright. Really it is just an episode of the above mentioned TV show with sex awkwardly shoehorned in.

Reminds me of my wedding night, badumtish. (sorry, please excuse me I am hours into some strange marathon deconstruction session based on porn movies, my copping mechanisms are starting to act up)

Iron Man XXX : An Extreme Comixxx Parody

Up until this point, I was thinking that Extreme Comixxx was the company to trust. They seemed to be more interested in making dirty movies about superheroes, rather than stringing together some awkward sex scenes and worse acting, slap a little body paint on and cape and call it a day. Iron Man XXX changed that (or I am just burning out, seriously people, I have watched a lot of porn here, this has to be a heath risk.)  Now, you’d think out of all the superheroes, Tony Stark would have the life most resembling porn, let’s be honest, the man seems to enjoy the ladies. It really just seemed to be half assed. The guy playing Stark/Iron Man (Seth Gamble) should not have a career, and this is porn, damn it! Sure it had a passable Black Widow (Chanel Preston) and a scene that… well, let’s just say I had to stop the movie and relax for a little while afterwards. but for the most part it was just a by the numbers porno with some special effects and a rather good looking Iron Man suit. Speaking of which, think that was a rental? If so… man, I hope it wipes clean.

Spider-Man XXX: A Porn Parody

Far to good to be just called porn. Well I suppose you have to call in porn, you know, with all the people having graphic penetrative sex in it, but still. Made by Vivid this is probably the best since the Batman XXX parody we started off with. Honestly, the production value is great, casting all seems to work, they bone. This is what a superhero porn parody should be. The rub (I did not mean it that way) is Electro is leaving a trail of electrocuted hookers behind, the Kingpin hires him for a special job. Peter Parker, aka your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man XXX, and Mary Jane Watson go on a double date with Gwen Stacy and Flash Thompson. The plot works! Oh, Black Widow is in too, this time played by Brooklyn Lee and forgot what I said about the scene in Iron Man. Also, remember the classic kissing scene from the first Sam Rami Spiderman movie? Well, there is a more adult version here. Much more adult.

Captain America XXX : An Extreme Comixxx Parody

Action wise (I mean like running and jumping not humping and pumping) Captain America XXX opens up new grounds. It picks up 70 years after Steve Rogers single handedly ended World War II. Thawed from a block of ice, Rogers (Evan Stone) is back, joined by Nick Fury (Sean Michaels), Sharon Carter (Tara Lynn Foxx) and the rest of top-secret organization S.H.I.E.L.D., to battle and bone The Red Skull (Bill Bailey) and the sexy-but-deadly Madame HYDRA (Juelz Ventura). Extreme Comixxx maintains their high (for porn) production values and give us a nice little romp…. damn it. I’m this far in and everything I write just feels like I am making a bad porn styled dirty pun.

Justice League of Porn Star Heroes XXX : An Extreme Comixxx Parody

When a great evil threatens porn’s very existence, The Justice League of Porn Stars Heroes comes together to battle The Legion of Poon. Yes, that is what the bad guys are called. The Legion of Poon. Oh pornographers, your wit will always amuse and a amaze me. This movie? This movie will always haunt me. Sure it was good, same as all the above, a startlingly faithful and earnest attempt at merging comicdom and porndom into one little disc. Maybe I am just porned out at this point but… Yes, it is the Justice League, will ‘X’ logo’d analogues for Superman, Batman, the Flash, Wonder Woman. Yeah, see thats kind of the issue. Classically the League only has Wonder Woman as a female character. The big scene at the end involves the JLA in a… well… they are all… Wonder Woman has to….

Part of me died I think, part of me I will never get back.

Superheroine 3D XXX : An Extreme Comixxx Parody

To wrap up, here is the latest in Superhero porn technology so haul out an old fashioned pair of 3D glasses (you know the ones with the red and blue lenses that have been around since the 50’s). I guess it makes sense, any and every mainstream superhero movie is getting a 3D release on the big screen, the porn versions will echo that. As you can see, this one is a little light on the parody side, its really just hot chics rolling around dressed up like Catwoman, Emma Frost, Supergirl, etc… and that’s alright with me. The 3D is a little annoying and laughable at times, but hey, Hot chicks, rolling around, Emma Frost.

Exactly.

A final word of warning.

Never, ever watch Bat Pussy. Seriously. Never.

When I started working on this, a buddy of mine sent me a copy of it, calling it the start of the whole superhero porn genre. My initial thought was ‘great, I can even add in some of the history, maybe do a then and now type thing’. I should have started to worry when I noticed it was on a grainy old VHS with a hand written label.

Bat Pussy is without a doubt the most unappealing porn movie in the history of adult cinema. After about 5 minutes of watching the opening scene where two hillbillies engage in acts that would normally be considered arousing but here are horrifying, I found myself questioning all humanity.

The plot, as far as I can figure out, is about a two clear vaguely people shaped garbage bags filled with spoiled bread dough pawing at each other in the absolute worst, sorriest, most tragic sex you will ever see in your life. Bat Pussy, sensing this is happening travels a few miles on a Hoppity Hop to be apart of this ungodly twisted mass of pasty flesh.

I honestly hope you never see this. Yes, it is out there to buy. Yes there are clips floating around the internet. Do not be tempted by morbid curiosity.  If those words of warning are not enough, here is a still frame that might.

 

 

Category: Comics, Featured, Film, WTF?

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  • http://nerdbastards.com/ Nick Bungay

    XD

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