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Many of us have seen the movie and read the Kick-Ass comic book, and we’ve heard the stories about real DIY superheroes and vigilantism, particularly in the Pacific Northwest where Phoenix Jones has taken to the streets to fight crime with varying degrees of success and controversy. Some people rave and hold these masked men (and women) up as true heroes, while others, like Det. Mark Jamieson of the Seattle PD, just want them to stop before someone gets hurt, telling ABC News: “They don’t have the training. They don’t have the authority.”

Suddenly though, and by way of the internet, we have learned of a new player in this battle for the Emerald City. Rex Velvet, a monocle wearing, mustachioed mad man with a bowler hat, a sword cane, a Space Needle dagger, and a propensity for grandiose statements and red cocktails, has made himself and his intentions known. The Emerald City has a genuine super villain too, and while he seems like he was pulled strait out of a comic book to stand against Phoenix Jones and the Rain City Superhero Movement, I can attest that he is very real, and very committed. The question is, is Rex Velvet trying to do something legitimate or is he just an attention seeking clown seeking to piggyback atop the micro-fame of a group of people who are actually, and foolishly I might add, going out in the street in an effort to help people?

I spoke to Mr. Velvet this afternoon while doing my best Vicki Vale impression and we discussed his secret evil plan to stop Phoenix Jones, his love of puppies, his henchmen headcount, and the importance of letting the police do their jobs.

Here now is our exclusive interview with Rex Velvet.

Lets get started with the questions that you can’t answer: Whats your secret identify and where is your lair?

Rex Velvet: (Exasperated) You wouldn’t be the first to ask me that today, but in a way I kind of like you, so I’ll tell you nothing and you’ll like it.

I do like it.

Rex Velvet: I do plan on divulging a very sinister plan that’s going to be… how do I put this? I think that the people out there will enjoy it and it will give them something to do.

So are you a man of the people?

Rex Velvet: I am a man of the people, I am the people’s villian. I side with, more or less, not that I’m a fan of them, but with the police I guess you could say. They’re the ones who should be bringing justice back to the city of seattle, not some masked dubious ruffian.

Do you view Phoenix Jones and his crew as a cancer, a blight on society?

Rex Velvet: You may quote what you just said. A cancer on society, indeed. They roam one of the finest neighborhoods of this city causing nothing but a ruckus. Frankly, (they’re) annoying people. I even saw a photo of Mr. Jones and his cohorts the other day, sitting down just enjoying soft drinks. Not even fighting crime, they’re just out having a… a good joke. It’s a joke. They’re out for a good time to wear their mothers panties around.

Well, Im sure you stop for a refreshment every once in awhile while villaining, what’s your beverage of choice?

Rex Velvet: Well, as you can tell it’s Rex Velvet Vodka, it’s this red bottle that I consume everyday. I don’t really eat. I’m not a vegan, I’m not one of those green freaks that the Seattle people rave about, and I love Rex Velvet Vodka.

How are you set for evil henchman, do you have a full stable?

Rex Velvet: Oh my goodness, well lets see, if I hit refresh I’ve got… 708 messages. Oh if I hit refresh I get 810, thats incredible!

What are you looking for in an evil henchman? Experience…

Rex Velvet: Unlike Mr. Jones, I don’t need to have this long elaborate process of interviewing people and having them become caged fighters. For crying out loud, not everybody is jacked up on roids and fro-ing around the streets like a buffoon. I simply want people to use their creativity. To fight (The Rain City Superhero Movement) themselves. There is no need for me, but obviously somebody has to step up to put this freak in his place.

To be fair, it seems like the people of Seattle have kind of rallied around Phoenix Jones, and it seems like he’s had an effort in helping solve some crimes. Do you think the police are too light on him?

Rex Velvet: I am concerned with the police (department’s) trust in this criminal. We all know that we can hop on the Wikipedia machine or the Google box and find out things about Phoenix Jones, about his past, about his reckless behavior that is driving, frankly, most locals nuts. As I said in the video, Im sure that a majority would agree that this man does not need to be on the streets.

Phoenix Jones

How do you plan on thwarting him?

Rex Velvet: (Maniacal laugh) If I gave away every plan to you, my friend, well that would just be silly.

Isn’t that the way though? Aren’t supervillains supposed to reveal their plans to the plucky young journalist?

Rex Velvet: In time!

Alright…

Rex Velvet: Do you think you’re the only person whose called me today?

No, no I’m sure Im not.

Rex Velvet: I am not shoving you away, I wish to invite you to the evil lair, but that will come…

Let me ask — the mustache, is that waxed or is that the natural shape of things?

Rex Velvet: It is naturally shaped. I do use a product, but I cant reveal who because I’m not their sponsor.

I see, unlike the Rex Velvet Vodka.

Rex Velvet: Rex Velvet Vodka is in the works.

Beyond stopping vigilante superheroes, what do you do with your time?

Rex Velvet: Well it’s quite simple, as you can see my lair is quite illustrious. I used to be a hunter of rare steel animals, but alas I’ve eaten them and hung up their skulls as decoration. One of my other favorite villains, Martha Stewart, taught me a lot about interior design and what have you. She hasn’t been to a meeting in forever as part of The Social Villains Alliance.

If someone sees a crime going on, do you stress that they not get involved? Do they call 9-1-1 and let the police handle it, or should they try to signal Mr. Jones in some way?

Rex Velvet: I think if we start leaning on Mr. Jones and depending on this one man and his band of unidentified freaks, that the police dont even trust, then we’re all doomed. There is no justice in a fake supervillain roaming about.

I think, people need to know that a supervillain such as yourself is truly diabolical — whats your opinion on puppies?

Rex Velvet: Oh goodness, I think they’re deliciously adorable.

Well that’s not villain-y, you’ve got to give me something villain-y. What about kittens?

Rex Velvet: I saw the other day, someone quoted, quite accurately, that I am one not to throw bricks through a window, but rather kittens through a window.

Well there you go.

Rex Velvet: Alas, I can’t because I’m training this horde of evil cats to claw Phoenix Jones to a rather uncomfortable level of pain.

Well, that does sound diabolical sir.

Rex Velvet: If you have a better idea, I sure would love…

No, I… dont mistake my tone, I’m serious. (If) you train kittens to tear somebody up, thats pretty damn diabolical.

Rex Velvet: Have you ever been attacked by a kitten?

One, not a horde. One of them, not a horde. I cant imagine the horror that a horde would cause.

Rex Velvet: Imagine hundreds of angry malnourished cats. You can imainge the anarchy.

I don’t want to imagine the anarchy, it’ll keep me up at night.

Rex Velvet: You sir have class.

Note: I tried to get a follow-up question to Mr. Velvet, in relation to his view of those who would refuse to take him seriously, and those who would say that while Mr. Jones is out patrolling the streets stopping crime, Mr. Velvet is making viral videos, but I have yet to receive a response. The super villain Rex Velvet: provocative enigma or a bullshit artist? You decide.

Category: Featured, WTF?

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