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“You sank my battleship… with your alien death ray!”

Yeah, I don’t quite remember it that way either, but in their infinite wisdom Universal Studios and Hasbro decided to make a Battleship movie with massive aliens that rise up from the sea. In the spirit of that “creative” leap, I and my co-conspiritor Jason Tabrys wrote the synopses, the tag-lines, the titles, and even cast these four “creative” movie and board game mashups that Hollywood needs to greenlight right now. Hell, Jeremy R! Hudson and Jason (but mostly him) even made up some fantastic posters for the films too, so all we need is a few hundred million dollars and we can make the best board game movie spin-off since Clue (you heard me).

Monopoly: Revenge of the Fallen

Synopsis: Max Marther (actor and comic book artist Shia LaBeouf) is an Occupy protester and an up and coming blogger for an underground activism website. His life is thrown through a loop though, when a major corporation buys the site and turns it into a LOLCat content farm, forcing Marther to embed himself in the world of finance, quickly climbing up the corporate ladder because of his unfathomable whiteness and his unearned swagger.

Soon, Marther can see the whole board and becomes a land baron with a pocketful of “Get out of Jail Free” cards and a plan to run the bank and drive all the other players toward bankruptcy. Will his plan succeed, or will he be seduced by the 1 percenter lifestyle, a high class call girl named Community Chest (introducing Random Lingerie Model in a breakthrough performance) with a secret, and Arthur Michael Manchester (Nic Cage), the current banker and a rogue utility company owner with troubling hair who inherited both Boardwalk and Park Place under curious circumstances from his late brother, Nathan (also Nic Cage)?

Coming in 2013, the money never sleeps and the game never ends in Monopoly: Revenge of the Fallen.

Guess Who: The Movie

Synopsis: On Jonah Pfiefer’s (Elijah Wood) 30th birthday, his wacky but eerily sexy mother (Angelica Houston) decides to come clean: she doesn’t know who Jonah’s father is. Stuck in his own neurotic tendencies and weighed down by quirky phobias, Jonah sets out to find his father.

In this blandly absurd comedy from Wes Anderson we follow Jonah’s vignette-filled adventure as he encounters one estranged family friend after another (Hackman, Murray, Hoffman) all equally likely to be his biological father.

Is his father bald? Does he have a beard? Does he wear glasses? Is it Gene Hackman? Yeah, it’s probably Gene Hackman.
Guess Who coming next fall. Your guess is as good as his.

Twisted

Synopsis: Based on the classic family fun game Twister and Tom Six‘s masterful Dutch horror film The Human Centipede comes Twisted from American torture porn master Eli Roth.

The film will star Ashton Kutcher, Channing Tatum, and Topher Grace as US travelers who are backpacking through Europe. The film will also feature James Cromwell in a transformative and chilling role as mad Doctor Heiter, a man driven to create a new breed of pet by sewing Topher Grace’s mouth to Channing Tatum‘s rectum, and Tatum‘s mouth to Ashton Kutcher’s rectum.

Will the three travelers be able to reach all of the painted targets on Dr. Heiter’s blood covered torture map and win their freedom, or will they rip each other apart trying to put a right foot on free? Get Twisted next summer and find out!

The Scrabble Killer

From David Fincher, the director of Seven and Zodiac comes a chilling tale about obsession, bloodshed and triple word scores.

When retired Washington D.C. detective Arnold Michaels (Steve Guttenberg) receives a mysterious package from a clever serial killer, it becomes clear that his crime solving days are not over. The package contents are an enigma, small wooden tiles, each engraved with a single letter. With each package, another innocent, busty and sensuous life is lost.

Up against a wall and desperate for leads, Michaels turns to the aid of his former partner, the disgraced drunkard Walter Kinkade (Morgan Freeman). Can they solve the killer’s puzzles before it’s too late? Will they stop him before he takes his next victim? What are they supposed to do with this Q and X?

The Scrabble Killer, challenging the definition of suspense.

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