As if George Luca$ hadn’t already done enough to ruin his own franchise, handing off the reins to Di$ney may have done it in for good. The people at the home of the mouse are doing their damnedest to make sure that your childhood memories of Chewbacca, Darth Vader and all the others are tainted forever, starting with Star Wars Weekends at their ever-multiplying theme parks.
The first addition is one of pure offense. It’s a continuing feature called the Star Wars Dance-off and it takes the much-beloved Star Wars personalities and pits them against each other in a live-action dance contest. Some mediocre dancers who couldn’t find real work and needed a paycheck fill the roles and embarrass themselves (and the entire franchise) on stage before a crowd of sweaty Di$ney-goers.
This performance comes complete with annoying commentators and is billed under the title event of the ‘2012 Hyperspace Hoopla’. I will refrain from giving a play-by-play of my massacred dreams, so you’ll just have to watch it yourself.
Warning! Watch at own risk! May contain materials Not Safe For Mental Health!
Between this mess and Star Wars Kinect, I think we can safety say the franchise is completely dead now and that all future installments of anything Star Wars will be made purely for cash and/or to cause deliberate pain to viewers. I’m only hoping that the boss here at Nerdbastards is willing to pay for my counseling after this article…
On a slightly less annoying note, visitors to Di$ney theme parks can now spend Even More of their money while there! Another Star Wars themed money-muncher, called “Carbon Freeze Me” offers grumbling parents, screaming kids and lonely fanboys an opportunity to make their own carbonite freeze mock-up, complete with their own head slapped on top of Han Solo’s body.
This new attempt to keep the franchise on life support involves scanning your head amidst a cast of Di$ney-paid actors who try to play up the event like it’s anything more than a souvenir purchase. The result of all that hard work? An 8-inch carbonate trinket that takes nearly a month to reach you via mail and costs over $120.
It looks like Di$ney and Luca$ have finally combined their evil powers to create a marketing scheme worth of the Emperor himself. I’m sure fanboys will be screaming, but I’ll save my money for something a little less scammy, thanks.
Visitors can enjoy both these Star Wars abortions, along with everything else that Star Wars Weekends has to offer, at a local Di$ney park, every Friday, Saturday and Sunday until June 10th.