This NerdBastard has been a fan of S.H.I.E.L.D. since I first picked up a copy of Strange Tales and read about Super Secret Agent Nick Fury fighting to protect the world from the evils of Hydra. One read through and look at that fabulous Jim Steranko art and I was hooked like a 300lb marlin.
You can imagine my delight when watching the Avengers movie; seeing all those S.H.I.E.L.D. agents and equipment every time the Avengers were on the Helicarrier. This NerdBastard was in S.H.I.E.L.D. fan-boy heaven, but that got me thinking . . . an organization that big takes a lot of people to maintain and operate. If I were drafted into S.H.I.E.L.D. (Hell I would be first in the volunteer line) what kind of job could I do? That lead me to think about what kind of job I might get stuck with . . .
The Absolute Worst “Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D.” Assignments
S.H.I.E.L.D. LMD (Life Model Decoys) Repair Technician
Life Model Decoys are a life blood of S.H.I.E.L.D. super secret agent activities and the fate of each is never pretty. Trying to keep Nick Fury’s LMDs in working order must be a thankless task, LMDs get shot, blown up, covered in scientific super goop, stabbed, and any other number of nefarious and destructive manners. Best not to talk about how Tony Stark returned that Black Widow LMD the other day. I didn’t know peanut butter could be used like that.
S.H.I.E.L.D. Super Spy Gadget Test Subject
Everybody loves the super gadgets that save the hero and the day, but some poor smuck has to test those wonderful mechanical devices to make sure that they function and are safe for S.H.I.E.L.D agent use. Take the skull cap pictured above that saves Dum Dum Dugan, some poor low level S.H.I.E.L.D. agent or perhaps an agent that screwed up his last assignment had to don the test version of that skull cap and take repeated hits to the head until the cap was perfected.
S.H.I.E.L.D. Bio-hazard Response Team
I think Red said it best when Andy escaped Shawshank prison:
“Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can’t even imagine, or maybe I just don’t want to. Five hundred yards…”
That is exactly what it must be like to work for S.H.I.E.L.D.’s Bio-hazard Response Team. Everyday is a day of foul smelling, flesh burning, organ dissolving, workday of foulness . . . and that’s just cleaning up after the Hulk goes to the bathroom.
Captain America’s S.H.I.E.L.D. Cultural Adjustment Facilitator
Now a lot of this job assignment could be fun, who wouldn’t want to hang out with Captain America, but think about trying to bring him up to speed on our screwed up cultural hodgepodge. How would you explain all the Captain America/Tony Stark fan fiction when Captain America finds it on an innocent Internet search of “Best Buddies.” Try explaining “Jersey Shore” and why it wouldn’t be fair if Captain America was on “Dancing with the Stars.”
S.H.I.E.L.D. Financial & Accounting Comptroller
Imagine your the guy Nick Fury calls in when he can’t explain were all the money went to the WORLD SECURITY COUNCIL? Try to explain away the amount of money spent on hair care products required by Thor the god of thunder, the clothing allowance for Dr. Bruce Banner, the court ordered Sexual Harassment Lawsuit Penalties incurred by Tony Stark, do you think those trick arrows of Hawkeye’s grow on trees or that Captain America’s shield would gleam without a ton of Adamantium polish?
S.H.I.E.L.D. Double Agent
You’re at the top of your super spy field. You are the sneakiest S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent in the business and you’ve worked your way into the very ranks of Hydra, AIM (Advanced Idea Mechanics) or any other number of super secret terrorist organizations that threaten world peace. You are supplying crucial information that is protecting your world, your country, and your family’s lives. Then enter some random superhero or superhero group attacking the base you have infiltrated and before you can step aside or say, “Hey, I’m on your side.” they have beaten the every loving crap out of you. Putting you into the hospital or perhaps worse, the morgue. All those years of training and hard work down the drain.
S.H.I.E.L.D. Laundry & Clothing Repair Supervisor
Sure, they all start out looking sharp in their tight fitting uniforms, but once the fighting is over the uniforms are usually quite the mess. Imagine how much those S.H.I.E.L.D. agents sweat in those tight leather body suits, imagine the smell. It’s your job to repair, clean and press those nasty smelling ripped to hell garments and return them to the correct agent or superhero before the next mission. So when everyone else is celebrating the great victory, your down in the bowels of the S.H.I.E.L.D. Helicarrier trying your damnedest to get the Shawama stains out of Hawkeye’s shirt, stitch back together Banner’s pants, and buff the scorch marks off Stark’s damn armor.
S.H.I.E.L.D. Morale Officer
Try raising everyone’s spirits when all they can think about are unsigned, mint Captain America trading cards. That job would be a bitch.
On a side note, here are my crazy fan-boy thoughts on Agent Coulson.
Deathlok was the result of a secret Super Soldier Program, part man, part machine. This would be a great opportunity to bring Deathlok to the big screen. This NerdBastard has read all the Vision rumors going around but don’t really think that Coulson as the Vision works. Think about Coulson as Deathlok, trapped in a cyborg body with no memory, used by a secret government agency to do black ops. Coulson starts to regain memories (Much like Robocop) and turns the tables against his handlers and returns to S.H.I.E.L.D.
Just another one of my Fan-boy fantasies. What worst S.H.I.E.L.D. Agent assignments did you think should be included in the list? Come up with your worst and let us know about them in the comments section below.