50 Shades of Grey. Have you heard of it? Of course you have! Its vile filth has infected the nation. The erotic sex book by author E. L. James has caught the attention of women everywhere. Housewives, soccer moms, grandmas and even tween girls are infatuated with the books protagonist Anastasia Steele, and her BDSM adventures with the alluring and incredibly wealthy Mr. Christian Grey. Jeeze, women are too classy to watch porn, but they don’t mind reading it!
If you can’t tell, I have nothing but specious hate for the book. Here’s a quick story on how it almost ruined my relationship. Keyword being “almost”.
So, I made love to Mrs. Nerd Bastards the other night and you know what she said to me when we finished? “Well…you’re no Christian Grey!” Son of a bitch! Grey, the fictional Mr. McDreamy, has turned me, a veritable love machine, into Mr. Mediocre. Gawd, I hate this book! It’s steamy dialogue, rousing tones and ridiculous characterization of the idealistic male, has set unrealistic expectations on me. Curses! I’m a heart and flowers kind of guy. How am I supposed to compete with such a hyperbolic sense of discipline, sadism, and masochism? Hmm?
If there are any guys out there in the same boat as me, I say we laugh at the situation. I mean really, what else can we do?
To help you find some laughter in these hard times, I give you a video of John St. John (Duke Nukem voice actor) reading from 50 Shades of Grey. When he utters “My inner goddess is doing the dance of the seven veils.” (Yes, that is an actual lines from the book) I think you’ll smirk and forget about all the shitty judgements and demanding expectations from your significant other. It’s all just too damn silly to take seriously.
Now this is hot! Hail to the King Baby.