Ask the Bastards #4: Michael Bay’s Turtles, Essential Predators and the Battle Between Trek and Wars
Welcome, boys and girls, to another thoroughly offensive edition of “Ask the Bastards,” the weekly feature where you, the readers, get to ask us, the staff of Nerd Bastards, any questions you want about our lives of semi-professional (or, in some cases, full-on professional) nerdery. This week we’re tackling another round of very important questions covering everything from Star Wars vs. Star Trek, fear of Michael Bay’s TMNT flick, the “true” definition of nerd and just who the hot chick is on our Facebook fan page.
And hey, before we go any further, we just want to thank the readers for continuing to show enthusiasm for this thing. It began as a dumb idea (Matthew’s dumb idea, in case anyone was wondering) that we decided to take for a spin, and now a month later we’re not only still doing it, but we’re getting more questions every week. So thanks for chipping in, and keep the questions coming!
Dear Nerd Bastards, when are you going to post a shoot with the hottie on your facebook fan page? SRSLY? WHEN? – Bobby
Oh, that’s OnHerCam model Sweet Victoria. She follows us on Twitter (@NerdBastards). When I had first announced that NB had T-Shirts for sale, she contacted me begging for one, and said that she would model it for us. Who am I to dismiss a pretty nerdy girlie? So I obliged. The rest is history. You can check out Sweet Victoria saying hi and strutting her stuff in a sexy (SFW) video she sent us (HERE). — Luke Gallagher
Montreal Comiccon Sep 14-16. Should I buy a Star Trek tee or simply wear a pin? – Marc
Tee. Always go full nerd. — Jason Tabrys
Both. Always go beyond what is considered full Nerd — Mark Poynter
Shiiiiiiiiiiiit son, you tattoo that dat communicator on your chest! Extra nerd points if you can convince ST actor Walter Koenig (Chekov) to do the ink – Luke Gallagher
If we were talking about something you were going to wear on the street any time of year to show your love and appreciation for Trek I’d say either is fine. But if you’re going to a con and are wearing anything less than a full Starfleet uniform you’re chickening out. Either that, or Luke’s tattoo idea. That’s how hardcore Trekkies roll at a con. – Adam A. Donaldson
How bad do you really think the Michael Bay alien ninja turtle movie will be? – Matthew
Take the bad acting of Battleship, mix it with the nonsense of the live-action Masters of the Universe movie, and blend heavily with the any of the Three Ninjas movies. That’s how big of a turd the alien Ninja Turtles movie would be. –Nick Bungay
Based on Latino Review‘s 12 minute video breakdown of an early draft of the script, I’d say “Kill it with fire”. I’d rather watch Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo or all three Transformers movies. Hell, I’d rather slam my dick, repeatedly, in a sliding glass door than subject myself to Bay’s alien turtles. — Luke Gallagher.
It honestly depends on who’s rewriting it and who’s directing it at this point. I’m hoping it won’t be terrible. But the instinct when you hear Bay’s name is to cringe, so it doesn’t look good. And by the way, pay no attention to Bungay’s nonsense. The Three Ninjas movies are amazing. – Matthew Jackson
Matthew’s right, if the powers that be learn a lesson from the reaction of the internet fanbase, we’ll NEVER see a movie based on that script, or ideas in that script, in our local theaters. Now I don’t have a visceral hatred of Michael Bay like some of my nerdy brethren, which is why I can say with some authority that on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie, Michael Bay has to go! The inspiration for the original comic was Frank Miller’s Daredevil, the X-Men spin-off New Mutants and the Dave Sims indie Cerebus, and there’s nothing in there about chosen ones, alien invasions, and whatever the hell else Bay saw fit to put in there, whether he admits it or not. And by the way, 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain is the bomb! – Adam A. Donaldson
Do any of the Bastards have a favorite “gloriously terrible”, so_bad_its_good movie? For me, its Street Fighter: The Movie. Its secretly brilliant. – Jan
The Room tears me apart! — Jason Tabrys
A Knight’s Tale . . . That goofy mix of rock and medieval times Love it, but the movie is really corny. – Mark Poynter
There’s a special place in my heart for Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan. – Matthew Jackson
Boil me in oil if you must, but I have a soft spot for Ang Lee’s Hulk. If nothing else, Lee combined well the trappings of the superhero blockbuster and a messed up family drama in an style that moves more like a motion comic than a typical movie. – Adam A. Donaldson
There have been a lot of final fantasy movies, but why is there no kingdom hearts movie? Is it because of all the Disney rights? I’ve pondered this for a long time. – Ethan
Beloved Disney characters such as Goofy, Donald, and Mickey interacting with many characters from the Final Fantasy RPG series and characters from the Disney animated films… yeah, it’s prolly a licensing nightmare. Then again, Disney/Square Enix did make a few video games together, so I dunno why there would be problems with an animated movie.
I agree with you. The video game has such an amazing story, a movie would be absolutely brilliant. I’d suggest leaving a bloody Mickey head in Micheal Eisner’s bed (God Father style) with a note “Kingdom Hearts movie, or else…” — Luke Gallagher
I have no answer. I just need to note that if you want to get anything done, you need to leave the bloody head and note in Robert Iger’s bed, because Michael Eisner left Disney years ago. – Matthew Jackson
Assfucks be lazy. — Chris D.
Been looking for a definitive definition for nerd, geek, and dork. What’s your take? – Tim
“Awesome” is a word. — Luke Gallagher.
The lines have become so blurred between those three words, I don’t think anybody knows what means what anymore. As far as I’m concerned, we’re all nergorks. — Chris D.
Is there any point in trying to define those things? If you define them, then you have to exclude people from the ranks, and that’s the kind of thing that got some of us here. Love what you love and be happy. – Matthew Jackson
A nerd is someone with a degree of expertise. A geek is someone who just carries the love. And a dork is a straight up poser. – Adam A. Donaldson
Who is your favorite Star Wars character/characters? – Fanci Sue
Han. Always stick with a classic. — Jason Tabrys
Vader, but only the 4,5,6 movie Vaders. — Mark Poynter
Dat alien in the cantina scene. You know the one. — Luke Gallagher
When I was four it was Luke, but in my old age it’s become Han. And Boba Fett, because he’s Boba Fett. – Matthew Jackson
Chewie, baby! – Adam A. Donaldson
Which is better and why? Star Wars or Star Trek? – Angela
Can’t we all just get along? I am Sci-Fi-Bi. Mark Poynter
I’m going to steal Mark’s answer because he’s clearly more clever than I am. Although Trek DID get one of my friends laid… — Chris D.
It’s like comparing apples and potatoes, both are nourishing and delicious, but are two entirely different foods that give you something different. – Adam A. Donaldson
That’s a very big question. One I could write a college dissertation on. But, for the sake of time, imma say Star Wars. I know Star Trek came first and it broke social boundaries and dared us to imagine greater, but Star Wars… that was the ticket to adventure. The level of detail and imagination that went into the saga is immeasurable. And the brand recognition is right up there with Jebus and the Beatles. Star Wars is textbook for anyone that calls themselves a nerd.- Luke Gallagher
If you’d like to experience more high-concept sci-fi with lots of political, cultural and moral implications built into the space goodness, it’s Trek. If you’d like to have good times with robots and lasers (and really, who doesn’t?), it’s Wars. But I love them both very much for very different reasons, and I never declare a preference. After all, Star Wars has a bounty hunter with a jet pack, but Star Trek has the time Kirk and Spock time traveled to save the whales. How do you pick a winner? – Matthew Jackson
Which films and games in the entire Predator franchise do you consider worthy of a personal Predator collection? – Sean
Well it wouldn’t be any of the games, ’cause in my mind they all sucked pretty evenly. As far as movies go, I would definitely go with Nimród Antal‘s Predators. I mean come on, Topher Grace playing the psychopathic asshole, a sword swinging yakuza, rival Predators and a ripped Adrien Brody ( I call no homo)…it was all good. — Nick Bungay
Predators is above average entertainment, especially for a movie in this franchise pockmarked by so many misfires. In my collection there’s the original Predator and Predators. (Although I do own Alien Vs Predator as well, but, you know, ironically.) – Adam A. Donaldson
What did you guys think of the new Total Recall? – Luis
Having watched both versions of the film I have to go with the remake. Rather than setting it on a planet none of us have been to, the remake grounds the film in an alternate reality, where at some point in time something similar -culture-wise- could happen. –Nick Bungay
The new Recall was perfectly satisfying, middle of the road summer entertainment; not terribly inspired (like all of Len Wiseman’s films), but not terrible. I will also take this opportunity though to point out that remakes are not necessarily bad. The John Huston-directed Maltese Falcon starring Humphrey Bogart was a remake of film made just 10 years after the original adaptation of the Dashiell Hammett novel. An Affair to Remember, one of the most romantic films of all time, was a remake. John Carpenter’s The Thing, 3:10 to Yuma, Scarface… all great films and all remakes. Now, are all remakes good? Of course not, but the mere fact of being a remake doesn’t necessarily make a movie bad, and I think we’re sometimes too quick to judge on that account. – Adam A. Donaldson
Naruto vs Goku. GO! – Jesse
Two Words: “Spirit Bomb” — Nick Bungay
I’ve actually never watched Naruto, but I fuckin’ loved the Dragon Ball series as a kid. Anybody who pissed me off immediately got kamehameha’d. — Chris D.