People may complain about reboots and remakes, but there is a far more dangerous phenomenon plaguing the world of movies today. I have seen it… and it is not good. Movie studios have been trying to translate fkn board games and knock-off toys into film! Anyone who’s seen Battleship knows that even special effects can’t always save a movie from turning into a giant, steaming pile of shit. Well, it looks like Hasbro has three more turds cooking – Hungry Hungry Hippos, Action Man and Monopoly.
Apparently, the overwhelming box office success of Battleship prompted them to see what other copyrights they could turn into cash. Oh wait… Battleship was a flop? Well hell, I have no idea why they’re making these then. But making them they are and they plan to have all three of these hemorrhoid-inducing projects to a theater near you in a couple of years.
A general plot synopsis is as follows, courtesy of yours truly:
Hungry Hungry Hippos will be about some fat hippos with levers on their backs that are unable to eat without help and so enslave children to do the work for them. They eventually become morbidly obese and die of heart failure.
Action Man will be a bargain-bin rip-off of G.I. Joe and will feature tons of action, crappy special effects and some men. Lots of men. It’s actually going to be a gay porn.
Monopoly revolves around an historically accurate look at corporate America and how they devour their competition in order to obtain profits. It will be seven hours long and the characters will spend much of the film in jail. It is also a gay porn, but with fancier sets and less action.
Okay, so those may not be proper synopses, but they’re probably better than what will be assaulting our senses come two years from now.
I guess if you put enough thought into anything you can end up making a movie out of it, though I have to wonder if that’s the best motivation. With any luck, Hasbro’s potential abortions will get killed in pre-production and the world will be spared from the punishment that God will no doubt bring down upon us for creating such atrocities.
Thanks to /film for the warning.