Ask the Bastards #13: Because Yes, We Are Still Talking About Star Wars Episode VII

- 11-11-12Featured Posted by Matthew Jackson

Welcome to another ridiculously ridiculous (oh yeah we went there) installment of Ask the Bastards, the weekly feature where you the readers get to ask us, the staff of Nerd Bastards, anything you want about the world of geekdom. This week, we’re talking Star Wars, because at this point it seems like there won’t be a point in the next three years when we’re not talking about Star Wars, but we also make time for some questions about our geeky guilty pleasures, and we try to name the best video game of all time.

Got a question for Ask the Bastards? Be sure to Like Us On Facebook or Follow Us On Twitter. We put out the call for questions every week, so wait for your shot. And if you’d like to see what we’ve answered so far, you can peruse the archives here.

Who would you choose to direct the new Star Wars trilogy? And are you afraid under the Disney banner that future of the franchise will be more kiddy based? – Matthew S.

A lot of people are talking about Brad Bird as the leading candidate for the director’s chair and I’ve got to say that it sounds like a good idea to me. If you look at his work on animated films – The Iron Giant, The Incredibles, Ratatouille - you can see a definite skill in combining big themes that appeal to adults and slick visuals that appeal to the youth. As to your second question, let me put it this way: do you think Disney could go any further with a watered down Star Wars than Lucas has already gone? – Adam A. Donaldson

Brad Bird would be a wonderful choice, as would Guillermo del Toro. Peter Jackson’s a big Star Wars fan, and I’d love to see the spin he’d put on it, but he’s a bit busy for that 2015 release date. Joss Whedon’s also an interesting choice, but he’s also a bit busy. I’ve also heard Christopher Nolan talk about his love for the franchise, though I doubt Disney would dare go that route. And hey, I’ll throw out a few (slightly) less conventional choices and say I’d like to see what John Lasseter, David Yates and Alfonso Cuaron would do. As for this whole “kiddy-based” fear, I suppose we do run the risk of seeing more Ewoks and Gungans in our future, but this is Star Wars we’re talking about. Grown-up nerds seem to forget very, very quickly that, with the exception of the people who were already grown in 1977, most of us came to this story as very young children. We bought the toys, we played the games, we watched the movies over and over as kids. And now I’m hearing worries that Star Wars is going to get all “over-commercialized,” as if it weren’t already one of the biggest movie merchandising brands of all time (they just launched Angry Birds Star Wars, guys), and that it’s going to be too “kiddy based” as if it weren’t already deliberately family-friendly entertainment (most of the time, anyway). So far, with the hiring of Michael Arndt, Disney’s headed in the right direction, so we’ll see.  – Matthew Jackson

Del Toro. He is an unparalleled visual story teller who doesn’t need to poke us in the eye with over-abundant CG or purposeless sentiment. Add to that his seeming enthusiasm for nerd-centric projects and it seems like he may be the anti-Lucas.   As for kiddishness concerns, I had my issues with the Avengers but I wouldn’t say it was too kiddish, so I think Disney will aim for a PG-13. -Jason Tabrys

Dean Parisot – Doesn’t anyone else think that Star Wars needs to get the “Galaxy Quest” treatment? Think about it, Hamill and the rest of the aging cast get sucked into an interstellar war when the Star Wars trilogy is mistaken for historical records. – Mark Poynter 

Are there and sci-fi / nerd / geek ‘guilty pleasures’ you have to share? Anything you might have even been a little ashamed to share with your fellow Bastards? – Leonard S.

If we’re talking movies, my top 5 guilty pleasures would be Masters of the Universe, Judge Dredd, Mortal Kombat, No Holds Barred and Over The Top. All 5 films are comedic masterpieces when under the influence of alcohol. Now, as far as shameful stories go. There was that one time when I gave myself a cum turban after pleasuring myself to Thundercats porn. Yeah, you heard that right. Long story short, I was looking at Cheetara fan fiction ( I did eventually move onto actual actual human porn), did some shameful things with my body and used a NB shirt as a clean up rag.  Afterwards, I got distracted with a phone call or something and went to get dressed and put on my abused NB shirt. As soon as I put my head through the body of the shirt, I had realized the horror of what I had done. I am not a smart man. – Luke Gallagher

I’m not a fan of “guilty pleasures.” I like what I like, be it Doctor Who or Duran Duran. You should too. - Matthew Jackson

Yeah, Stallone’s Judge Dredd is definitely a good one to list, I end up watching that every time I run across it on the weekend surfing channels. - Mark Poynter

Who is on the staff’s sex exception lists? – Jason K.

Christina Hendricks, Kat Dennings (they have the two hardest working bras in Hollywood) and girls dressed as Cheetara from Thundercats. – Luke Gallagher

Boba Fett – Matthew Jackson

Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jenna Fischer, Rosario Dawson, Christina Hendricks, and Anne Hathaway. -Jason Tabrys

I not only have an exception for Michael Fassbender, I have an addendum allowing for a three-way. – Sarah Moran

There’s a list? I just thought Luke was listing the names tattooed on his butt checks. Don’t ask how I know about that, I don’t like to think about it.  - Mark Poynter

Bastards. What in your opinion is the greatest video game of all time? Jason P.

I remember several lunch hours (and several quarters) being spent at the local pizza place near my high school on an X-Men arcade game that was so endlessly addictive. It was a cold, cold day when they finally wheeled that thing out in favor of some stupid bland pinball game. So it’s a tie between that and the original Mortal Kombat. I still celebrate “Mortal Monday.” – Adam A. Donaldson

Super Mario Bros. Not the most sophisticated, not the most dynamic, but the one that filled the most hours of my childhood, and the one that launched a thousand other cartridges. - Matthew Jackson

I consider great games to be ones with the highest replay value. The game I’ve replayed the most has got to be Mike Tyson’s Punch Out on NES.- Luke Gallager

Goldeneye. -Jason Tabrys

Stand up Robotron. It was one of those games that once you got started you found yourself twisting and turning like a maniac. As the game got faster and faster you’d find yourself flailing around like like a fish on the dock. – Mark Poynter

Do you believe in aliens? – Jensen D.

Yes. How else would you explain the sore asshole I wake up to every morning? My hoop is being probed by aliens, obviously. Joking aside, yes there is intelligent life out there. The universe is too big for us to be the only life forms. In our search for E.T., there is one thing that seems very narrow minded of us…. we’re looking for beings similar to us. We imagine aliens of intelligent life to have humanoid characteristics.  Look at Star Trek for example. Every alien the crew of Enterprise encounters walks, talks and has culture and lifestyles similar to ours. Point is, we’re limited to our own imagination. There’s shit out there is space we cannot begin fathom. I don’t think we would recognize intelligent life if we saw it. – Luke Gallagher

Do I believe that in this big, wide universe there maybe intelligent life on other planets? Of course. My favorite line in Contact is David Morse’s answer to that question, “If there isn’t [alien life out there], then that’s an awful waste of space.” But do I believe that aliens are coming down to Earth and shoving probes up the rear ends of humans, or that they even came here in ancient times and helped us build the pyramids and everything? Not bloody likely. – Adam A. Donaldson

I doubt that they’re anything like what we imagine them to be, but yes. – Matthew Jackson

Yes. Do I believe they’ve visited? No. -Jason Tabrys

Statistically the answer is yes. Whether of not two separate worlds would both have the capability and desire to meet at the same time in their growth and development is the question. Would we even recognize another life form if it came? For all we know they look like cars and trucks and live among us already . . . wait a minute. – Mark Poynter

How long until till we reach over-saturation with the whole zombie thing? – Jan M.

What time is it? Kidding aside, I am somewhat surprised that we haven’t reach over-saturation already. Two things are keeping zombie lore alive, first is the relative cheapness of the zombie films, which is a prime motivating factor in the desire to make these films for both big studios and indie filmmakers, and the second is The Walking Dead, cable’s most watched drama. The critical tipping point, in my opinion, will be World War Z. If it overcomes its considerable problems and becomes a critical and commercial success look for more zombies, but if it tanks, studios may start thinking twice about the trend.  – Adam A. Donaldson

Personally I think it might have happened when Pride and Prejudice and Zombies came out, but there are still good stories being told with these monsters (just as there are with vampires), so I’m honestly OK with it. Have fun until you find another obsession. We can’t stop the marketing machine once a craze gets going, so it’s best to just relax and ride out the storm. - Matthew Jackson

I think we’ve been at a point of zombie over saturation for some time now, the thing is, I don’t care. I can’t get enough zombies. I’m always thinking about them. Preparing… The point is, have a plan. Know your exits. Have a place to fall back. Frequently check your store houses. - Sarah Moran

Once we get a television show on the CW about hot teenage zombies and their angst, the Zombie craze will have reached critical mass and explode. I love Zombies, shambling, running, infection, rage, tool using, you name it and I will sit down and watch. It is a matter of pride that when a friend hangs out that I can pull out a zombie movie they’ve not seen. - Mark Poynter  

Star Wars ep. 7, Justice League, or Avengers 2? – Tim D.

Um…yes? I’m anticipating all of them for different reasons, some with dread and some with drool-flecked glee, so I really can’t pick just one. - Matthew Jackson

Star Wars. -Jason Tabrys

ERMMAHGERD, STER WERS ERPERSERD 7 – Luke Gallagher

In a perfect world I’d be sitting here typing, “OMG! JUSTICE LEAGUE! All those heroes… TOGETHER!” But, nobody is thinking that. We’ve seen The Avengers, the bar has been set incredibly high, and even I, as a staunch DC fangirl, have little confidence in the Justice League movie. Avengers 2 could top its predecessor, or it could falter like so many sequels have before. But, Star Wars Episode VII, well, we Star Wars fans have been burned, badly, before. Can Episode VII really be worse than those prequels? I can’t imagine it, especially with some of the names that are beginning to be linked to this project. A script from the writer of Toy Story 3 and Little Miss Sunshine!! We’re getting a script from a someone who can write quality, engaging dialogue, creates wonderfully diverse, developed characters, and loves Star Wars. Doesn’t that already solve so much of what was wrong with those prequels?

Sign a solid director, include as many of the original characters and their original actors if possible, – I mean, I’m kind of demanding the return of Hamill, Fisher, and Ford, but, I can accept Mr. Mayhew sitting this one out – and with those original actors giving the franchise to new adventurers I feel fans would get that smooth transition they’re seeking. Episode VII needs to be the Star Wars movie that pays homage to Episodes IV, V, and VI, but also sets the ground work for the future of this franchise. - Sarah Moran

Why choose? You can’t make me, I do what I want! Why put myself through that thought process when I know that I’ll be sitting in the theater on the Thursday night midnight showing for all three? If we were sitting at the bar with a beer and some appetizers then I would engage you in this discussion with the goal being to distract you long enough that I get to eat the majority of the hot wings and Jalapeno poppers.- Mark Poynter

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