With the apocalypse scheduled for tomorrow thanks to a few lazy Mayan calendar makers, we thought it best to write a letter to the one being who can surely save our planet — the Doctor. Trouble is, we don’t have his mailing address (he moves… a bit) so we’re putting this out there in the hopes that it gets to him by way of the Archangel network or perhaps Reddit or Twitter.
It’s Christmas time, and once again the earth is in peril. The earth, not just England.
As our most dedicated and able protector, we are asking you — and whatever chippy you presently have by your side — to intercede so that we don’t have to put our impractical and fanciful delusions of post-apocalyptic grandeur to the test. Doctor, most of us can’t start a fire without a how to app and our combat skills have been forged in the fake fires of Skyrim. We are not built to fend off zombies or live without electricity.
We need your help and I don’t think I have to remind you that without the earth, your ready supply of Jelly Babies, pocket celery, and fish fingers and custard will dry up. Also, what would you do without us? How would you occupy your time without our constant need to be rescued by Sontaran’s, Cybermen, Dalek’s, and weird cubes?
Besides, Doctor, you know you can’t travel alone. What will you do when there are no more companions to wow and woo? Shape shifting android? They don’t last long. Alien? The last one you had humped everyone’s leg.
Face it Doctor, we are the needy ying to your helpy yang, so go wrap a rift lasso around Nibiru the Ghost Planet and tow it out of our way, go back in time and give the Mayans a calendar made out of psychic paper, or use your sonic screwdriver on something so that the North and South pole don’t reverse.
Rescue us Doctor, find it in your hearts to keep us safe. We’re dimwitted apes who should aspire to be men and women who never would, but we still have an undefinable charm that keeps you coming back. Doctor, for all the monsters that we make, we’ve also counted Rose, Sarah Jane, and Amelia and Rory among us, so Doctor please don’t Pompeii us.
The People of Earth
PS: Please forward this to Batman… just in case.