If any of you care, our news and opinion coverage about JJ Abrams getting the Star Wars: Episode 7 directing gig proved that we (and the rest of the internet) are psychics.

Just moments ago, via internet machines and fingers on buttons, the world learned via press release and Facebook posting that the frozen head of Walt Disney had nodded in the affirmative and George Lucas had stopped counting his money long enough to give his blessing for JJ Abrams to be the guy whose work he will someday digitize out of existence*.

Here’s the plaid-clad all father of the Ewok race:

“I’ve consistently been impressed with J.J. as a filmmaker and storyteller.  He’s an ideal choice to direct the new Star Wars film and the legacy couldn’t be in better hands.” – George Lucas

Not to be outdone in the bland statement department, Abrams had this to say about getting the job of a lifetime until 10 years from now when Disney reboots the whole damn thing:

“To be a part of the next chapter of the Star Wars saga, to collaborate with Kathy Kennedy and this remarkable group of people, is an absolute honor,” J.J. Abrams said. “I may be even more grateful to George Lucas now than I was as a kid.”

So, in closing: you already knew this and this was the most pointless thing I’ve ever written, which means this will forever stand as a truffle within a vast wasteland of shit.

Source: Mistakenly sent emails that were supposed to go to only respectable journalists

*=Fuck you, I know Lucas sold any and all rights to modify future Star Wars movies, it was a joke! By the way, if you’re wondering why there were no lens flare jokes in this post, this is why…


Category: Film

Tags: , , ,


  • IronDouche

    Oh ffs. JJ is not capable of delivering good stories. This is known. Intriguing set ups, yes. But that’s about it. He’s a “what if?” merchant without the capacity to take stories forward. All cock, no balls. Now we can all look forward to ep9 when we’ll find out they were all dead from the start and the galaxy far far away was just some fucked up holding room. Or mebe he’ll have Froba Fett time travel and shoot Anakin in the face thus rebooting the lot. Recast the series with every Doctor Who as a Jedi. Shoot it in a tired found footage/ crash zooming/ lens flaring homage to Gremlins 2 the new batch.